A Hospital Visit

     Wednesday when the kids exited the bus, Goosie immediately came and told me that Miniman was very quiet on the bus ride home. This is unusual for him, as Miniman is a very animated six year old. After him, I don't know how I have the energy for everything else, as he is an intense little guy! So I watched him carefully, and noticed that he was walking rather slow. The four of us scrambled into the house. I continued to watch Miniman, so when he went to the couch to lay down; a Momma flag (when you know something isn't quite right with your child) came up. I sat in my chair and called Miniman over to me, watching the way he carried himself and looking for nuances in his gait. After checking the dilation in his eyes, the inside of his mouth, and his pulse. I had him squeeze my finger until the tip was purple once with his right and again with his left. I then asked the basic questions: Do you hurt anywhere? What does the pain feel like? Can you see my hand, what about my whole finger? His eyes reacted normally, and both his mouth and pulse were normal. Miniman told me that his head hurt and that he just wanted to lie down. I watched him again when he was walking and noticed that he was concentrating to take each step, and his usual gait was burdened.
     I am sure some of you are wondering why I would start in on an examination of him, just because he was feeling a "little off". I do it because of the headaches that run in my family that unfortunately Miniman inherited them. I am not the type of Momma to sit idly by and watch my child suffer. If there is a way I can assist in calming fear, abating pain, or just reassuring them that they are not alone; I will do it. After realizing what we were dealing with, I called Hubby and let him know what was happening. Hubby came home, I called the pediatrician and the on call nurse directed me to the hospital. You see, even though I knew what was going on, I wanted to make sure that was all that was going on. With that, Hubby came home so  Miniman and I  could set off to the ER.
     On the way there, Miniman threw up all over himself and the seat in the truck. Upon arriving at the hospital I parked, then cleaned both he and the truck up as best as I could. Miniman ended up in my hoodie with his jeans. Why would I take the time to do this? Well, aside from hoping the truck wouldn't smell to badly later, Miniman is a very clean and neat person. I knew that if I left him in the barf clothes he may not cooperate as much as they needed him to, as he would be uncomfortable. I knew that Miniman couldn't walk so I carried him to the ER. Upon entering, we went through the metal detector and were rushed to the front of the line. Miniman threw up once again in the children's waiting area, I was able to grab a trash can, but alas it got all over the two of us. Some of the other parents were looking at us with sympathy and one even offered a gob of baby wipes to help clean ourselves up. Miniman napped on my lap off and on through the process of waiting and going into a room to wait on the Dr. to visit. While in the ER I told the staff what I believed to be going on. I didn't have a copy of his records with me, so I gave them the information needed to get the records from his hospital visit up in Ohio.
      There was a good amount of texting to friends for prayers and assistance. One of my friends K picked up the girls for church that night. Her doing that allowed Hubby to bring Miniman and I clothes, and for him to check on Miniman himself. Miniman wasn't getting better, and as Hubby was leaving the nurses came into start an IV. Miniman was very brave and although he did not like the experience of getting the IV (he didn't like it the whole time it was in), he did appreciate the medication he was able to get with it. Later that evening Miniman was admitted. He got into a room around midnight, from then until around six in the morning he slept fitfully. As there is not much the medical community can do in these cases, they were waiting to see what his outcome would be.
     Thursday morning, they removed the IV. It was bothering Miniman more than helping him. The rest of the day was filled with naps, songs, and a few snacks. His appetite wasn't really there, which was his body's way  of saying that this wasn't over with yet. Usually after a migraine I am starving. Nonetheless, Miniman was able to sit up, walk around and eat a little so he got the okay to go home. Miniman walked out of the hospital, I only carried him briefly down the steps to the truck.
      Upon arriving home, Miniman wanted to change his clothes and go to bed. So we let him. He slept through the night last night and although there is some residual fine motor skill loss in his right hand, he is better. The  fine motor skills in his hand will come back and in a few days he will be my Miniman. Full of promise, energy and excitement. Until next time dear Readers, be Blessed!

The Rains In Life

When the rains in life come, choose to dance. When dancing you feel free and afterwards are exhausted. Dance in the rain. ~DBarker1422 (Twitter)

     When I look back on the last ten years of my relationship with Hubby. I can remember a lot of dancing. Not really with him, he doesn't dance. More with Heavenly Father as the storms in life have come up.  Some would say it would be easier sometimes to pretend the rain isn't falling. To put up an umbrella, stamp my feet and shout that " I am still dry, it's not raining!!". In the end, it would just rain more, I would have to go over a lesson a few times rather than paying attention and getting it on the first go. 

     At five months pregnant with Goosie, I had the triple test done. The results came back that my sweet baby had a high chance of being born with open Spina Bifida. I was 24 and heartbroken. I also did what I tend to do when I am overwhelmed, I call someone and ask them to pray with me. This time I called my brother-in-law D. After praying together on the phone (he in SC and I in WA). I felt a peace come over me. From that point on I knew that no matter what my "babylove" would be okay. I also had confidence that no matter how she came out, we would be able to be the parents she needed us to be. Shortly after the test results, we were given the option of another ultrasound and an amniocentesis. The amniocentesis is a medical procedure where a long needle is inserted through the abdomen, into the uterus and amniotic fluid is extracted for testing. There is a chance of preterm labor and we didn't see the point of taking a risk, no matter how small the Dr's said it would be. You can find more information here. So we declined the test and were referred to a counselor for genetic testing. We sat in a small office on an Army Base and were told our choices. What the insurance would pay for and what it wouldn't. When Hubby and I emerged I think both of us were all the more determined not to let any one in the medical community tell us what we could and couldn't do. We were going to trust in God and God alone. The pregnancy continued, almost text book. Then at forty weeks and one day my water broke and we headed to the hospital. I wasn't progressing the way the Dr felt I should, and ended up being induced. Goosie was born full term and perfect  She had a 9 on her first APGAR and a 10 on her second. Goosie was healthy and whole, God danced me through that storm.

     Goosie's first birthday, I will never forget. It was the start of a second storm. Hubby had been placed on a new medication that was supposed to help with his pain management. The Dr. didn't dose Hubby correctly, so that morning Hubby woke up with a plan, he had it rationalized/justified and he was just waiting. I tried to keep the day normal for Goosie. But after hours of convincing I took Hubby into the hospital, he was admitted and I could not see him for 48 hours. I remember placing Goosie in her car-seat, latching everything in place and climbing into the drivers seat. I felt an overwhelming depression try to take over me. After all, we had just moved. I had yet to make any friends, find a church home or even be introduced to the Command. I sat there in my car and prayed. I prayed that God would take hold of Hubby, I claimed his life.. and not just any life but abundant life. Even after knowing what Hubby had on his mind to do, I knew that wasn't what God had planned for him. So I prayed, I drove home and prayed. The time that Hubby spent in the hospital I curled up with our sweet Goosie and sang her to sleep each night. I prayed comfort over her, myself and Hubby. I also had a peace. Before I was finished driving out of the parking garage.. I was overwhelmed with rolls of peace flooding my soul. When Hubby was released things went back to our kind of normal, a little while later we discovered that our family was going to grow again.. abundant life. God danced me through that storm as well.
  
      We went years without big storms. Sure there were the everyday ones that seem so small and insignificant. I know that God walked me through those. The next big storm came when Miniman was 4. We were at a friends house sharing lunch and making the girls Easter dresses, when my friend came in and told me that something was wrong with Miniman. I went in to check on him and my worst fear was soon confirmed. Miniman was having a migraine. And not just any migraine but the kind I get. My friend kept the girls, I carried Miniman out to the truck and headed to the hospital, calling Hubby on the way so he could meet us there. I remember Miniman pleading from his car-seat for me to sing to him. He was scared and wanted to hear the song that has lulled him to sleep all his short life. So with my voice breaking and many starts and stops I sang Baby Mine. While singing I also prayed. I asked God to give me the migraine, to spare my son. I asked him to heal my sweet boy and make him whole. I also prayed that God would get the glory and that His will would be done above my own. My friend challenged me to give Miniman to God, to quit taking him back, to trust that God knew what he was doing concerning Miniman and that I didn't need to stand in the way of a blessing. I received a peace once again. I wrote about the experience here. At the hospital the Dr's ran many tests. There is no way to tell if someone is having a migraine or not. The only test that is out there is a DNA test and those are not cheap. Instead the Dr's have to rule everything else out. After almost a week Miniman was released. Things went back the way they had and Miniman has no residual effects. God danced me through another storm.

     Hubby has chronic pain, he has been living with it since 2001. The Dr he was seeing told him about an option that was now available. It would require him getting off of the narcotic's he had been on for nine years and an open spinal surgery. You can find my original posts here and here. I was reading through the book of Esther and learned that she also had a storm to walk through. Esther fasted and prayed diligently before she went before the king. So I took notes, I prayed and fasted about Hubby's surgery. I knew that there were three ways in which the surgery would result. 1. He would come out better then he went in. 2. He would be paralyzed from the waist down or 3. I would no longer see him on this side of heaven. Two of the three were daunting. I couldn't imagine my life with out Hubby, let alone raising our three little ones alone. So I prayed, but not for my will to be done, but that God's will. I also thanked God for Hubby, the life that we had, our children.. for everything. I remember kissing Hubby goodbye not knowing if it would be the last time, but having peace. Hours later, Hubby was out of surgery and after a bit of in hospital recovery I was able to take him home. He was wheeled out to the truck and when I saw him stand.. my heart overflowed with joy! Heavenly Father led and I danced through yet another storm. 

      The point of this post is to brag of course. To brag on Heavenly Father, knowing that his ways are not our ways and when the rains and storms of life come. I have a resting place, and so do you if you will accept it. It is a privilege to be a child of the Almighty. Knowing that no matter what this life throws at us there is nothing we could ever go through that He has not seen us through. I am blessed beyond all measure, it is my hope that after reading about some of the storms he has lead, carried and danced me through, you would be encouraged in the midst of your own. I know that the rain and storms will still come, because I am not yet home. So until next time Dear Readers.. Be Blessed!

Just a regular Friday please..

     Yesterday morning I awoke with thoughts of heaven. I leaned over Bitty-bit to reach Hubby and said: " I am so thankful we are both saved. When we get to heaven we will have new bodies; they will not know pain, suffering, sickness or disfigurement. We will be made whole, wonderful and we will still be together then." We kissed and then commenced to our morning routine of waking the children and getting them ready for the day ahead. Breakfast was served, children dressed and we were all off and ready for the day. Hubby only had two appointments and I expected him home at a decent time. I was off to a field trip with Bitty-bit  to discover the wonders of the pumpkin patch, honey bee's and a four year old's laughter.
     I don't usually go on school field trips with the children. I insist that Hubby does, so that they have special time together. I hoard the children to myself at times (being a stay at home Momma affords me that) while he goes off to work and miss' the many wonderment's of childhood that I see daily. Bitty-bit and I rode the bus together and then sweated it out under the warm southern sun. I had forgotten that it doesn't get cold in the south as soon as it does in the north. After scampering through the corn maze. She and I looked at the honey bee's busy with their task, pet the goats, made funny faces at the lowing calf and finally picked the perfect two pumpkins. We all then loaded back into the school buses sleepy and hot. The windows were down, adults chatted over the din of wind and some children fell heavy in laps while others were still filled with exuberant energy. Bitty-Bit and I said good bye at the school, she wanted to ride the bus home and I found my way back to the two puppy boys itching for attention.
     I had thought that the most exciting part of my day was over. The children clambered off the bus and after   devouring snacks homework was started, then completed. Goosie was working on her extra credit work, Miniman wanted to sculpt and paint clay as well, Bitty-Bit was content to paint as many pictures as her paint and brush would allow. Hubby called to say he wouldn't make it home in time for me to go to the PTA meeting that night and was going to ask one of the guys from the office if they could come help for a minute. I started dinner as help arrived. Shortly there after..I just wanted a regular Thursday night.
       Hubby walked into the kitchen and looked strange. His usual pristine uniform was cut, bloodied and dirty. He had a bloody nose and there were cuts on his hands. As I took in his appearance I asked: " Honey, What happened?" He responded with " I don't know" Then I watched as his knees buckled. I ran forward to catch his head. I didn't want it to fall on the floor knowing there is only concrete under the linoleum. He was out.  I called 911, with the phone ringing in my ear I checked his pulse and breathing. The sparse training I had for emergencies was no where to be found. When the operator came on the line I did my best to tell her what happened. I am certain she could only make out frantic woman with someone in urgent need of help on the other end. I couldn't remember my phone number but I did remember to tell her that he was unresponsive, but breathing. I tried to tell her what my impossibly frozen brain didn't want to comprehend. That there was something terribly wrong with my husband and there was nothing I could do to fix the situation or make it better on my own. I don't remember my exact words, but when she gave me direction I did as I was told. The guy from the office helped me turn him onto his back and shortly there after he came to. That's when the call ended. Hubby was lucid enough to start giving me directions for his emergency care. As quickly as I could I loosed his belt and boots. I checked for his keys, phones and wallet. The only two things I didn't find were his GOC(government owned cell phone) and his wallet. This I made a mental note of but pressed on. Goosie stepped in and grabbed two pillows to prop up Hubby's feet and when the medic's arrived I was leaning over Hubby asking him what he remembered.
      As the paramedic's clambered into what now seems a too narrow hall way. I was asked to step away as they took over. One distracted me with questions as two others deftly worked over Hubby. When the police officer came I was outside, the children had been sent upstairs and Hubby was still splayed on the floor in the kitchen. I was looking for his wallet and GOC. I answered questions again to the best of my ability but it was all just a blur.When I went in again to check on Hubby I was asked to leave they said as kindly as possible "Mam, you don't need to see this." I turned away thankful the children were upstairs. They had already seen their Daddy fall and Mommy close to lose it. The last thing they needed to see was anything I didn't need to see either. I tried calling those I know locally, but my mind was honestly blank. I could only think of calling my sister I. Of  all my sisters her schedule is at times the most flexible I called and told her I needed her. I am sure the rest was incoherent (as she later told me). The next call I made was to my Mom. Yes, I know she is in California but when I need my Momma, I need my Momma. While I was on the phone with my Mom my friend R called.  I had posted a cry for help on Facebook, she was on her way. No questions asked no explanation warranted. She knew I needed her and she came. When I finally got through to someone local they came over to help with the children. Hubby had left for the hospital some time before ( I ached to go with him and was angry that I couldn't, but my babies..). By the time J and her hubby got to the house two ours later, my sister I and niece M were pulling in.
     J and her hubby drove me to the hospital. I took what I needed for an over night stay. I had no clue what condition Hubby was in nor what lay ahead of us. I did take a moment to pray. My Mom and sister I had prayed with me as well that night, but peace didn't envelop me until after I bowed my head to pray, thanking God for my wonderful Hubby the life we share, the joys and the sorrows. Afterwards I knew everything was going to be okay. Even if it wasn't an outcome that my head didn't want to grasp, in my heart I knew we would all be okay. The words I woke up with that morning came back to my ear and I was thankful for them once again. When we arrived at the hospital I rushed to be at his side. Once I was there, he was talking politics. That man of mine, I love him so severely.
      R and her family arrived in time to give us a ride home. In my frantic grab and go thoughts I didn't think of clothing. Hubby arrived home last night in paper scrubs. But he arrived home. We all got the full story after the older children were tucked into bed. Bitty-bit is always the first to fall asleep, that night was no exception. Hubby's evening wen't something like this:
     He was on his way to the office to switch out vehicles before heading home. As he was driving down the road he saw someone walking that fit the physical description of being eligible to join the military. So he stopped, asked the guy if he would like a ride and would listen to Hubby talk to him about his options in the military. Let me stop here and say that Hubby has actually recruited a few people this way. At some point the guy asked Hubby if he could make a call. The guy did so and sent a text. A short while later the guy asked Hubby to stop stating that he was okay to walk further. Hubby exited the vehicle to bid the guy farewell and let him know that the military didn't look like a viable option.  About this time something hit Hubby on the back of the head. What ever it was broke and knocked Hubby down. When he got up Hubby only saw the one guy. Hubby got back into the vehicle and started beating on the guy. As the guy was pilfering through the vehicle looking for valuables and money. As Hubby was pounding the guy, apparently the guy was cutting Hubby with something. When the guy relented Hubby took off the guy fell out as the vehicle sped off. Hubby came home.
      I was shaken last night. Even after Hubby was home sleeping soundly as he could in our bed I still woke up often in the night thankful that he was still there beside me. Did the guy make off with some stuff? Yes, but anything on earth pales in comparison to those we love who we share our lives with. Whether as friends or lovers, acquaintances or someone we just happen to meet in passing. Everyone we meet has an impact on us. I know the guy my Hubby met yesterday will make me ever thankful for just a regular Thursday..or even a Friday for that matter. As long as I can share it with those I care about for as long as we can. That is one of the true treasures of life. Until next time dear readers, Be Blessed.
   

True Beauty

     Hubby had an injection today. He gets them once a month, and they put him out of commission for two days.  They do help. His back is not seizing the way it was before the injection treatment started, and when his back starts to seize it doesn't last as long nor is it as intense. So he tells me. While at the pain management clinic I decided to watch people. It is a fascination of mine. To observe people going about their day. Their actions and reactions to things, the way they carry themselves or even how patient they are. Most of those I watched were elderly.
     A little lady held my interest for sometime. She wore clothes that were a bit large as if in her added years time had done what physical exertion had not. The overly large cardigan hung to her knees, pants were hitched to an uncomfortable level and belted in a way that made the waist bunch up. Her shirt was tucked neatly and her hair coiffed to perfection. I held no doubts that in her youth she kept regular hair appointments at the salon, and still did so now. Glasses were also large and for a petite woman she was dressed in what seemed like someone else's wardrobe. I would have loved to invite her to tea and scones, to listen to the wisdom all the gray on top of her elegant head proclaimed. I did not see any one with her and can only conclude that she either drove their, took a bus or her waitstaff was somewhere unseen. I hope that whomever is attached to this elderly woman understands what a treasure she is.
      There is a beauty in aging. Popular belief is that beauty is in youth. Flawless skin, long hair, and a healthy fit body. As I have grown and changed so has my idea of beauty. Sometimes I have to remind my head what true beauty really is. It is not the body figure I had in high school or even the one I had when I first met and married Hubby. True beauty is  when you are comfortable with who you are on the inside and the outside. I am not sure I would want the body I had before children back. How beautiful is it that my body helped create three people, kept them safe and nurtured them until they were ready to enter into this big bad beautiful creation of the world. I have stretch marks and what I call my "extra mommy".. all of which I have come to find the beauty in. So when I saw that little old lady today I couldn't help but think of how beautiful she was. She had aged, all of us do. If you really want to be morbid about it the moment you were born you started to die. That is how your body was created, and what a beautiful creation it is.
      Hubby was the youngest patient there today. Others looked well into there 60's if not 70's. Chronic pain has a way of aging the young. Illness has an annoying way of stealing childhoods and entrapping those we love in a spiral of despair if we their loved ones aren't diligent. I know this has been long and more then a bit rambling. There is just so much that bounces around in my head. If you have ready this far thank you. And until next time Dear Readers, Be Blessed!

Headaches and Happen-stance

     This past week has been a full one. I got one of my headaches again on Tuesday, it continued into Wednesday and I asked Hubby to take me to the ER that afternoon. I got a shot in the backside, but that was about all they could do for me. Thursday I had a slight episode and I am sitting in my office today (Saturday) wondering just how much better I am. I think I could sleep more.. in Hubby's opinion that is the only thing that helps.
      Bubbles wasn't feeling well last night so I took her into the Dr.'s office this morning. Thank goodness Pediatricians now have office hours on Saturday! Bubbles has a virus that mimics the flu, but not really. So we are both on R&R! We will see who takes their's more seriously! Other than that she is doing well. Hubby has been having issues with his back again. At times it is hard for him to breathe. So I want to find whatever information I can on his condition and be his advocate.. I want him better as much as he does. Miniman and Goosie are doing well. After six months(give or take a few) Goosie finally has a tooth coming in! So exciting! Bubbles had a wonderful Birthday as we were down at my sister C's house over the long weekend, plus another small gathering on Wednesday. Bubbles is the proud new owner of a bicycle, and she aches to ride it everyday. It is almost as if I am torturing her by not letting her ride her bike from sun up to sun down.
      Goosie is getting bigger and I am noticing some of the things that scream puberty. So now when I am out on a looking escapade I am finding things that will assist me to help her with this transition. One thing I am not ready for is her cycle. Yes I know that is a few years off still, but if I can help her learn her body as it changes and let her know what it coming she will be better prepared. One thing I am also considering is the cost.. when Bubbles is old enough there will be three females cycling in a month. That can get expensive, so I am looking into alternatives. I want to try them out on me (and get comfortable), before I introduce them to the girls. I have heard of many alternatives to the disposable sanitary liners and am currently looking into making some of my own. Of course they will have a separate wash from the rest of the laundry, but over all if I know how to sew, and can make them when I need them, it is cost effective enough to give it a go. When I was growing up I used to wonder if my parents bought stock in *Alway's, then they could have made up some of the money they spent with nine females cycling. Now I am wondering why Mom didn't just make things for us and teach us how to use them. I found this website that has instructions and a pattern. I hope to make just everyday liners at first, then move on to the bigger stuff later.
     Let me say that I know there is a stigma that goes with non-disposable sanitary supplies. I am not a hippie, tree hugger or anything else like that. It's not gross if you handle it properly and use common sense. Wash your hands and all that jazz. I am just a Mom of two girls looking into the future costs of raising my family. Like it or not, things are getting more and more costly, and to cut out say $20 or so dollars a month per person can be well worth it. Not just for our finances, but also for our environment. I always wondered why it wasn't considered medical waste or a bio-hazard.. it simply was put in the same garbage as the left over Chinese food from two weeks ago you found in the fridge. I mean really. Other cultures and society basis have incorporated the female cycle into parts of everyday life. What do you think women in  2nd and 3rd world countries do. they use reusable cloths that are not as nice as the ones I plan on making. It is a natural process that has been around since the beginning of time. So why make it "dirty", it's not. It is simply a woman's body telling her that she is not going to be a mother soon, or a gauge to know when something is going on.
     Miniman is getting bigger and it looks like he will procure a new bicycle on his birthday. Wow, they grow up so fast. I am not ready. The school year is almost over and in the fall all three of my sweet babies will be in school.. all day. What am I going to do with myself?? I am planning on getting a job at the school so I have the same hours the kids do, or at least a job in the district. I have marketable skills and am willing to learn new ones as well as work hard. I enjoy the fact that the kids are all getting bigger and the family is growing up. I still can't help but miss the baby/ toddler days, I guess I will have to borrow someone's baby for a few hours to get a baby-fix. Not too much else is happening. My volunteer work is starting to snow ball, but that is a post for another time. Until next time Dear Readers.. be blessed!

Chronic Pain

    Chronic Pain is something that doesn't just affect the person who has been diagnosed with it. It affects everyone around that person and most severely those who love them the most. As a adult it is a little easier to understand that there is something that has taken over your loved ones body, mind and emotions. Something that threatens to tear both them and you apart. The harder part is separating the disease from the person.This is where it gets a little tricky.. you have to know their heart.
     Hubby was diagnosed with Chronic Pain before we met. He has been living with it since 2000 and I have been experiencing it second hand since 2002. There have been crazy amounts of medications just to deal with the pain. Don't get me started on the side effects. Almost two years ago Hubby told me that he wanted to change for himself and for our family. He didn't feel that he was the husband, father or solider that he wanted to be. So he slowly weaned off the medications with his doctors help. Then came the spinal surgery and afterwards the three days in rehab to finally be drug free. His doctor waited until after the surgery for the last detox. I understand why, it was the hardest.
    It is hard to see someone you love slowly be changed by medication that is supposed to be helping. Throw three kids in the mix through out all of that and you have my little family. It was hard for him to go through and hard for me to watch, standing on the sidelines knowing that I could do nothing to help. I tried very hard to keep the kids lives normal. I didn't want what Hubby was going through to effect them negatively. Neither did Hubby. He kept the worst of it from them, and from me. I prayed in thanksgiving that they were all going to be too young to remember. There was a light at the end of the tunnel and we were all ready for it.
    Recently Hubby has been having problems with his back. At times he is in so much pain that it hurts to breathe. I ache for him. I would give anything to take his pain and place it upon myself. Even for just a few hours so that he would find some relief. My life revolves around Hubby and our children. I would do anything for them and spare nothing to see that they are well cared for. So this new challenge we have ahead of us seems once again daunting. Once again I will call to the one who carries me through. I will pray diligently, love with out boundaries, tend to Hubby and our children with all that I have. At the end of each day I am sure I will be once again spent. So I ask my Heavenly Father to pour into me as I sleep so when I awake I can pour into my family once more. I am confidant that Hubby will do a stand up job at work and will continue to do all he has done in the past. Chronic Pain may be his diagnosis, but it is not his life. It is just one more thing to overcome. And if Hubby is anything he is well versed in the art of conquering.
     I am proud of Hubby. Not just because he is a fighter.. I a proud of him for his heart. I had nothing to do with it's shaping, but I am privileged to experience it everyday. He pours his heart into his family and his work. He is a good man who lives the values he learned in basic training. His heart overcomes all that is thrown at it, still finding strength to love and be loved in return. Are there bad day's? Yes, but bad day's are only a reminder to think of all the good ones.
     Until next time dear readers, Be Blessed!

Test Results

    As of late I have not been feeling very well. So I made a trip to my regular Dr. who then sent me off for testing. None of the testing hurt or was awful. I did get my test results back this morning. They were normal. Except my bones, specifically in my lower back.
    Apparently your bones get as strong as they will ever get when you are in your 20's and by the age of 30 they are at their complete strongest. After the age of 30 you start loosing bone mass. This is my problem.  I am loosing bone mass. Not enough for it to be called osteoporosis, just enough for the Dr. to take notice. She sent me home telling me that I needed to start a calcium and vitamin D supplement along with weight bearing exercises.
  On the way home I did what I think all women do. I called my sister (or a friend if your are sister-less).  I asked if she knew of any family history of low bone density. She said no, then we caught up on day to day things. I am so thankful for my sisters. So when I got home I did what anyone with a computer and a search engine would do and I looked it up. Here is One and here is the Other. I also plan to get out my medical books and do research on my own. It is better to be informed about one's health then absentminded about it.
    I knew my bones were important.. I just didn't realize how fast they could change. I have had increasing lower back problems since I was pregnant with Goosie. I thought that it got worse afterwards because the  anesthesiologist stuck me 12 times for the epidural. Twenty-two months later with Miniman in a different hospital another 6 times and finally with Bubbles another 22 months later only 3 times. So my poor back has been put through the ringer. It probably doesn't  help that almost all of my hobbies are sedentary I don't have to move around very much.
    So I will drink more milk and get a tan.. I will also make walking much more of a priority. I want to be healthy for myself. Until next time dear readers.. be blessed.

Weight Loss..

98 lbs
This is my Senior Picture from 1998

150 lbs give or take
This is me about 10 years and three kids later

135 lbs and loving my spanx
When my youngest was just over a year old I had a breast reduction (this was taken days after)

115 lbs and still in my shaper
This is how I looked a year ago. Not too dissimilar from my senior picture.. 

Weight loss is a continuous journey.  I have since grown out of the jeans in the picture above. I know that I will never look like my senior picture again. I really don't want to ever look like that again. I want to look better. I want to have a strong healthy body that I am confident about. I used to think that I wanted to be a "trophy wife". You know the ones that are great looking (not all the negative stuff that goes along with the stereo type). Now I have decided that while I still want to be the one Hubby swoons over, I want to do it the right way. Not by abusing my body the way I have in the past: not eating, not sleeping, and other abuse of my body. I want to do it the right way. Eating right, working out and taking care of myself. For me it is no longer about getting into the shape I was before love and marriage. It is getting in shape for my future. I still have some "extra mommy" I think I always will. My stretch marks may fade, but after carrying three children to term and nursing them for at least a year each, I am proud of the body I have. I want to take care of it and show my girls that it doesn't matter when you start, as long as you do start to take care of yourself.

Currently I am 122lbs., according to the Dr. my BMI is too high and at my current weight I am slightly overweight. Ideally the Dr wants me to be anywhere from 110-115 lbs., so I have 7-10 lbs to loose.i don't want to wear a body shaper any more.. I want to be my own body shaper. It hasn't been easy and it is something I will have to work at. One of the things I told myself I was going to do after my surgery was to get healthy and fit so I can run a marathon. I used to enjoy running and look forward to it again. It is just going to take some work and effort to get there. So wish me luck!

Miniman's Hospitial Visit



Miniman sitting on his hospital bed Friday April 22nd


This past week has been eventful. Earlier in the month I had decided to make the girls Easter dresses this year. Alas, the dresses are still not complete. But my family is whole and home.. I could not ask for more! Here is a run down of what has happened.

On Wednesday Miniman, Bubbles and I were at my friend N's house for the 2nd day of working on the dresses. It was about lunch time and N prepared macaroni and cheese with sliced apples for the meal. She and I had gone into another room to chat and firgure out what to do next with the dresses. N went in to check on the kids a little while later and noticed that Miniman's food was on the floor. She asked him what was wrong, he told her.. but she couldn't understand. So she called me in. I got down to Miniman's level and asked him what was wrong. He told me " My hand doesn't work". I asked him to show me, but he was unwilling; he also told me that his head hurt.
At this point the Momma in me was scared, while the rational side of me knew exactly what was happening. I still wanted confirmation. I called my Mom. She answered, and when I told her what was going on she confirmed it.. about this time Miniman came into the room, and ran into a chair as his balance and walking were now being affected. I called the pediatrician and asked if I should take my son to the ER, they said yes. Then there were two more calls to make. One to the school where Goosie attends to let them know that N would be picking her up and the second to Hubby. N also agreed to take care of Bubbles and Goosie until Hubby and I could get things figured out. I left N's house with tears in my eyes, willing this not to happen to my son. I knew the struggle.. I had been battling it myself. It was a struggle with my own body.. all because of a gene mutation.
Miniman and I arrived at Children's hospital and were quickly taken back. It took a little bit for an initial visit with a Dr. but once they realized the potential of things it could be, we were fast tracked. Hubby met us in the ER. About that time they were ready to draw blood and put in an I.V. lead. Miniman was scared. I held him firmly in my arms and told him that it is okay to be scared, he can be scared and still be brave. Cause being brave is when your scared and you do it anyway. I also told him that Mommy and Daddy would never ask him to do anything that was going to hurt him or make him feel worse.. we may ask him to do something that will be a little painful and uncomfortable, but we love him very much and will do our best to help him anyway we can. With this information Miniman started the first round of tests.
The blood/urine tests all came back normal, but that wasn't unusual. Then it was off for a CT scan. Hubby went in with him and I waited impatiently outside. Then it was back to the ER room, and a hurry up and wait for the Dr.. I was called out a little while later to talk to a Pediatric Neurologist on the phone. He asked me questions about Miniman's episode, and if there was a family history of migraines. I answered all of his questions, which raised more questions for him then gave answers. He told me that there was no test for migraines, instead we have to rule everything else out. So Miniman was admitted. Hubby went to get the girls and take them home. Miniman and I went up to his new room on the seventh floor, and I ordered him something to eat as soon as I could knowing that he was a very hungry little guy. His night nurse informed me that he should eat well because he had an EEG in the next morning and they wanted him awake at 5am. It was a stress test and they wanted to be sure he was stressed. Miniman had his favorite breakfast for dinner, then he and I setteled in for the night. Thankfully it didn't take him long to fall asleep, so I stayed up and made a few more phone calls. I wanted to see if any of my cousin's had experienced anything like what Miniman was at this young of an age. The Dr was concerned because most migraines don't start until around the age of 6, so Miniman was a few years early.
The next morning came early, Miniman was worried about the test, so I broke it down in a way I hoped he would understand. I told him that we would go to another room in the hospital and they would put noodles all over his head. Then after all the noodles were on he would need to take a nap so they could get a picture of his brain. He went along with things pretty well after that, the tech even mentioned that he was the best behaved 4 yr old that she had ever had to run a test on. I was proud of him. He went to sleep with a little coxing, I had to climb up on the bed and snuggle him a bit, but eventually he fell asleep and the test started. Afterwards, I had to bribe him awake with the promise of pancakes, bacon, yogurt and chocolate milk. When we got back up to the room it was too late for breakfast and still a little early for lunch. Brunch was ordered and waited patiently for ( as patiently as a hungry 4 yr old can). The test results came back a little while later and everything was normal, except a hiccup in his heartbeat. So he was going to also be seen by a Cardiologist. Then around dinner time it was discovered that a Cardiologist was not needed after all. This came as a relief. The nurse also told me that we would be staying another night and that Miniman would be having an MRI in the morning only one big test that day. I also spoke to a Genealogist and they promised to talk to me again the next day. I called Hubby and let him know what was going on.. he informed me that I didn't have a choice in the matter that he would be staying the night that night with Miniman in the hospital and we would trade off in the morning before the MRI.
During that night Miniman had an I.V. line put into his lead around 1am. Hubby didn't sleep much after that as he was making sure Miniman didn't pull the I.V. out. Other than that the night was uneventful. As it was Friday and school was out N once again agreed to take the girls, so I dropped them off and headed out once again to Children's. Not 5 minutes after arriving Miniman was whisked away for the MRI. He was being put under deep sedation. I was worried, but then I got a peace. Miniman didn't like what was going on, the medicine they gave him to sedate him burned a little going in. So once again I sang him the song I had sung countless times before to get him calmed down and to sleep. " Baby Mine" ~ yes from the Dumbo movie; but all the same, it is one of his favorites and I have discovered the more difficult the situation, the more he wants to hear it and the harder it is for me to sing. He did wonderfully under sedation, and came out groggy and wobbly. Miniman and I met Hubby back at the room, shortly there after the Genealogist came back in and had a few of his colleagues with him. Not to examine Miniman, but to talk to me. The tests came back a little later and something was once again wonky. So another CT scan with die this time was ordered, along with a promise that Miniman would be discharged that evening.
All the results came back normal, and with the exception of one last visit from the Neurologist we were set to go. The Neurologist came in around the late afternoon, early evening and told me that he and his colleges were certain it was the type of migraine that runs in my Mom's side of the family. Miniman is scheduled to return on Monday for genetic testing. With that he was released. Miniman and I made it home around 8pm Friday.
Since this was only Miniman's first major episode and second migraine (the first was back in January; he was only sensitive to light and sound at that time, so I had hoped that it wouldn't get any worse). Miniman at this time is not on medication and because the episodes happened so far apart, there wouldn't be a need for any as of yet. The one precaution I do plan on taking with Miniman is to get him a medical alert bracelet. No the migraines are not life threatening per say, but they can be quiet scary and special attention needs to be paid if he does have an episode and I am not around.

I must admit that this has been a challenge to me. On the way to the hospital the first time all I could think was not my son.. not him. I wouldn't want this for any of my children. If there were a way I could take it from them, I would. But I can't. After expressing these feelings to N she challenged me. " Are you going to stand in the way of God's will for your son? There is something that God is preparing Miniman for and you have to let him have his way. It is not easy to stand on the side lines and watch your child suffer, but know that God has a reason for it." ~I love you N!! 
Well, that is it, not much else has been happening. the girls took it in their stride while Miniman was in the hospital, but things are getting back to normal.If you are interested in the migraines I get follow this link. Miniman is spending time in the corner again for antagonizing his sisters.. but then, it is a welcome noise. Three beautiful wonderful children.. who am I Lord that you would bless me so richly.
Until next time dear readers.. be blessed!

Food, Health and Eating

I received a call from my sister I today. She was asking me for cooking tips to help lower cholesterol.  I gave her a few ideas and told her that I would compile a list of websites with cooking, shopping and other tips to lower cholesterol. So here it goes. Please remember that diet is not a bad four letter word. It simply describes what you consume on a daily basis. If you look at it this way your "diet" is much easier to change. My advise for any food is the less processed the better, the more you can make and eat at home the better off you will be and of course the fresher the better. Fresh food becomes a bit of a challenge in the winter and with food prices on the rise we all need to be careful. In the spring you can start your own garden and keep it up in the summer. Even in the more urban of area's there is a way to "plant a row"; some cities have a city garden. Where people who live in the city but would like to grow their own food, however they do not have the space.. some cities have made it possible to keep up a garden of your own. If you live in an urban area ask around and you may be surprised at what you are able to find. Also a portable garden is also a possibility. You can't necessarily grow root veggies, but you can get some rather nice vine veggies. All that being said. Here are some sites that may also help.
American Heart Association
Recipes
Livestrong

I will also put up a meal plan with recipes for the month of March. I hope you all will enjoy them while keeping an open mind. Some of them may sound interesting and a bit labor intensive, but in the end.. it will all be worth it. Until next time dear readers, Be Blessed!

Hard to write.. Hard to read.

Oh the things that happen when things get busy..! So much has already happened this week and we are just getting into the middle of the month! The meals are wonderful by the way! I recommend you trying some if you haven't yet. Today is the second snow day of the school year. The kids are excited of course and I am planning to make cookies with them later today. But on to all the catch-up. The last Sunday in November Hubby brought home a rescue dog. We named him Rufus and for the most part the kids were excited to have him. Rufus would listen.. to Hubby and I, but that was about it. This had me a bit stressed from the start. Let me stop now and say that I am not against rescuing animals. One of the best places to get a cat or dog is at a pound or shelter. Hubby and I had done it before we had children. It was a cat then, but that is another rabbit trail. Rufus was not a match for us. I had my doubts and hind sight being what it is, both Hubby and I feel guilty.
So no more suspense.. here is what happened. Goosie, Miniman and Bubbles were on the main floor of the house with Rufus and I had gone down to the basement to get a pizza from the freezer.  While I was down there I thought to change over the laundry and just before heading back up the stairs I heard it. Horrified screaming coming from the living room. The girls were terrified and Miniman was frantic to say the least. When I got to the scene Miniman was on the floor, Rufus was on top of him, Bubbles was at his hind-quarters and Goosie was across the room planted on one of the chairs.  I pulled Rufus off of Miniman and took him upstairs, and after shutting him in the bathroom went back down to tend to Miniman. I picked him up off the floor smelling saliva, urine and blood. I sat him down and gave him the once over. Admittedly I only saw the injury to his ear. So I cleaned that, called Hubby and told him that Rufus needed to go. I was in shock and can honestly say that I only wanted there to be one injury. But there was more. After cleaning Miniman's ear, he told me that his chest under his arm hurt. I asked him if we could lift his shirt. He helped me take it off. That's when I saw the worst of it. Miniman has scrape and bite marks on his left shoulder blade. When he lifted up his arm I could see into his little body. The bite had gone down to the muscle layer. I immediately made another call. My neighbor was home, and I asked if I could drop off the girls. I explained the situation as best as I could, and thankfully she agreed. Miniman didn't want to go the E.R.  with urine all over his pants and one could hardly blame him. I changed his pants and after dropping the girls off, drove to the nearest E.R., I didn't trust myself to go all the way to Children's hospital and was confidant that if the situation was too much we would be transported to the Children's hospital by ambulance.
After the initial once over, Miniman had to be x-rayed to make sure the bites had not breached the chest cavity and punctured the lung. Waiting for the x-rays to come back was horrid. Miniman was waiting to be medicated and I was trying to hold it together mentally. I tried singing to him a song I would sing to calm him down when he was a baby and not feeling his best. But that just served to choke me up more. So I prayed. " God, you gave me this beautiful boy. He is hurting and it is a pain I can't fix. Please give him comfort and peace through this. Make me the Mom he needs me to be right now instead of the frail one I am. I claim healing and wholeness and once again today I give my son to you. May you use him and this situation for your glory."  It was a silent prayer, and said quickly. Afterwards I felt and overwhelming peace invade me. Miniman calmed down also and for the rest of the E.R. stay he and I were emotionally better then we came in.  The x-rays came back and praise be to God, his lung wasn't punctured, although the bites were deep they didn't go beyond the layer of muscle in his little body.  Now it was time for the shots. Two of them, one in each little butt cheek. Miniman didn't want the shots, no one ever does. The nurses joked that his little butt was as tight as they had ever seen one.  Miniman wasn't lethargic by any means, He still didn't want to be there. Hubby made it to the hospital around this time, he left shortly after his arrival. Hubby did ask if I was okay to handle the situation on my own until he returned.  I let him go telling him with all confidence that I could handle it.
Miniman and I were left in the room again to wait. He was tired, the shock was starting to wear off, his shaking had stopped and his whimpering had quieted to a soft murmur. I assured him that he could rest. He said that he wanted to be cleaned up first. I didn't want things to take Miniman by surprise anymore that night so I talked him through it all. He told me that he was scared, that he didn't want to do it. I told him that being brave was being scared and doing it anyway. After talking him through every step Miniman would comply. It was after the second set of shots just before the clean-up started that Hubby returned. Miniman was velcroed into a papoose of sorts. He couldn't move his waist down and  I was holding his little hands gently above his head. He layed on his right side so that his damaged left could be looked after.  The nurse asked me to leave, telling me that many parents choose to because they couldn't handle the thought let alone the sight of their child being in such a state. I stood my ground. I told Miniman before we left the house that I would not leave his side, I would hold his hand through all of it and never leave him alone. So I moved to the other side of the bed. Hubby came through the privacy curtains, he assured me that things were taken care of at home and asked if I wanted to leave the room. I told him I wouldn't leave, I promised Miniman. I asked Hubby quietly to remind Miniman how strong and brave he was being. Hubby did, holding back emotions of his own. Thus the hardest part began.
The nurses hands were quick and nimble, I am sure I am not the only mom who wished the nurses hands were more gentle. The cleaning had to be complete or the risk of infection would be high. Dog bites are notorious for germs in so many bad ways. Miniman needed stitches, he didn't know what they were and I could see a bit of annoyance on the nurses face when I told Miniman that he was going to need them.  I let it pass, nothing was going to make me keep anything from my son. I told him that stitches are like band aids, they just stay on a little longer. I reminded him of the stitches that both Hubby and I had. Telling him that he would be the only guy in his class with stitches, and that the other kids would think he was brave and tough. He complied, although he complained after each of the nine stitches were placed and asked if it were the last one. We counted down each stitch with him. " Four more.. Two more.. last one buddy, you are so brave!"
After the stitches were complete, ointment was applied and Miniman became half mummy wrapped. Hubby left to pick up the girls and get them settled back at home. Miniman and I stayed in the room until he received his first dose of antibiotic. Miniman's eyes started drooping, his breathing had calmed to that of sleep and as I rocked him gently I sang him once again the song that had brought him so much comfort in his four and a half short-long years. Tears of relief fell quietly from my eyes and  although I could feel emotion tugging on my heart my voice stayed steady.  Miniman looked at me lazily and asked to go home. I assured him that we were going home soon. " No more shots?" he asked me.  " No more shots I assured him." He then layed his tired head on my chest and started to give in to exhaustion. After getting the release papers I bundled him up once again and headed out into the falling snow. I buckled him in and headed back to the house. Miniman was asleep by the time we made it to the house. Hubby had made it home with the girls and we started working on getting them settled for the night.
After getting the girls to bed, I called my mom. It was the third phone call I had made that night, and the first one that wasn't an emergency call.  There is something about calling Mom when your world gets turned on it's head. Although she is states away she still comforts me as if she is right there. After cleaning up, Hubby and I just held each other. Quietness enveloped the house and in the silence there was relief.
Miniman is doing better and better everyday. The day after was the hardest, but the following day he was ready for Preschool again. I took him and asked his teachers to keep an eye on him and watch for rough housing. They assured me that they would. Miniman has been diligent about taking his medication, and keeping things as clean as a four year old can. We are already thinking of getting another dog sometime in the future. We are thinking of starting out with a small one, allowing Miniman to pick it out of a litter. Moving up in size from there. I don't want him to have a fear or dislike of dogs or other animals. I want to foster the love of animals in his tender heart while things are still fresh. With much involvement on both mine and Hubby's part. Until Miniman is confidant on his own we won't leave him alone with a dog.  We will not foster fear however.. it is a fine line and we must find our way to toe it.
Well dear readers, I hope you and yours are doing well. Due to the graphic nature of dog bites I will not be posting any pictures, I am sure you understand. Miniman will have scars, but they will fade over time and unless he chooses to play a shirtless sport; no one will see them. Until next time dear readers.. I am thankful and I pray that you are also thankful for all of your blessings. Remember that even when bad things happen there are things to be thankful for. Be blessed!

Letter of Resignation??

Dear house~ I have given up on keeping you clean. Every time I try to clean you one of my mess makers do their job. The laundry gets piled to precarious heights whether it is clean or dirty so that said mess makers can play in them. Toys~ I really wish you would keep out from under my feet, as you either hurt said feet or throw my back out. Dishes~ since my electronic washer broke and I have since had to switch to manual cleaning, you may or may not be in bigger stacks depending on the day. Bathrooms~ previous occupants caused one of you to reek in the worst way, only ripping you out would help.With the other two.. lets just say I wish you were self-cleaning. Kitchen~ I wish you were a little more cook friendly. An island would be nice, just saying. Floors~ oh that you were not all laminate.. I sweep, sweep, sweep to no avail. The dust bunnies only scamper away taunting me with their eyeless faces. I resign.. no more for me. I want to be done. Not just for today, for a long time.  Sincerely, This Housewife 

I like many other housewives, I am sure, grow tired of cleaning. It never seems like it stays done, wait.. if I clean it all before I go to bed then it will stay clean over night. Just how exactly do you do it all?? I am baffled. Between my part-time job, the kids, Hubby working all the time and the various activities we have involved ourselves in. I really do wish the house would clean it's self.  There is a line in a song from Le Miserables it translates something like this : "At the end of the day your another day older, and that's all you can say for the life of the poor. It's a struggle it's a war and there is nothing that any one's giving one more day standing about what is it for". Well if I could take some artistic license ( which I will) I would say the housewife song would start something like this ( in the same tune and key of course): " At the end of the day your another day older, and that's all you can say for the life of a Mom, it's a struggle it's a war and there is nothing that any one's giving, one more day holding it all together what is it for?" . Some of you may or may not find the humor in my little spunky tune.  With carpel tunnel setting into both my hands, tendinitis joining along for the ride and the all around sense that my body though not looking it's age is slowly falling apart. My eyes have been going for years and now my hair is starting to come out in gobs as I rinse it in the shower. I think I am starting to feel my age. My temperament has also changed a bit. Where I could be patient for a while.. now I am finding myself saying that " I just can't do it today".
I must admit that I started reading a book called The Way Of The Master it is quite good and I agree with the author on many points already and I am only at the start of the sixth chapter. I am also doing a few Bible studies. Momology, Revelations and my daily readings are keeping me involved. There is at times a feeling of being overwhelmed. The kids are going more then a little crazy, the house is a wreck ( no matter how many times I go after them cleaning it up) and I grow weary. In the movie Robots the father figure is putting himself back together with ductape because he can't find replacement parts. I am not saying that ductape is holding me together. But I am saying that it is something stronger then I am on my own. I gave some advice to a soon to be mom the other day it was this: " You will have good day's and bad, there will be times you question your sanity and God would entrust you with someone you feel so ill equipped to care for. But take heart, he knew what he was doing and there is no better Momma for your child then you." I have to remind myself of that sometimes. Someday's it is multiple times during that day. My kids make me insanely happy. At times it is only the latter part but over all happy. The house can wait. The phone can ring, the laundry will maybe one day care for it's self. I want to enjoy them now. It is a limited time offer this childhood, take advantage of it while you can! Until next time dear readers.. be Blessed.

It's a Roller Coaster Ride.. so when do I coast??

About two weeks ago Hubby and I had a run in with poison ivy. He was itchy all over like you wouldn't believe. I thankfully only had it on my hands and arms. So last week when Hubby once again broke out in itchy bumps on his neck he thought it was poison ivy. Well, it wasn't. And after asking him to go to the Doctor a few times, he finally went.  At first he was told he had foliculitis which is basically a bacterial infection in the hair follicle. He was given antibiotics and sent on his way. Only a few miles down the road, his face became numb and paralyzed on the right side. He then went again to the ER ( a different one) and this time was diagnosed correctly. Hubby  has shingles, and Basil Palsy. Both are temporary, the palsy can last u to six months. The blessing is that this too shall pass. The last time I talked to him, he couldn't close his eyelid, and is not sure if he will just have to put a patch over his eye or if they are going to try to splint it shut. I can honestly tell you dear readers that when he first told me of the paralysis the first thing that popped into my head was a stroke. To then find that it is not a stroke.. I cannot begin to express my gratefulness. So prayer is what I am asking for.
 Over the Labor Day weekend we went south for a family reunion. All of my sister's were there along with their children. the only one missing was N's Mr. Man. He is still deployed in the sandbox, and he was very missed. I can honestly say that whenever I saw all the brother-in-laws standing around together.. I just expected to see him in the mix. N and he are a good pair.. they compliment each other well. It was fun, but also chaotic. With eight sisters, sixteen children, and six brother-in-laws all in one house.. it looked like some sort of convention! Mom and Dad were in the middle of all the chaos. Mom smiling, her skirt shaking; Dad taking pictures and promising us all that we would have a copy of the pictures soon. It was the home I grew up in, at least my definition of home. Home to me is where your heart finds comfort,
encouragement and rest. While I didn't find too much rest because there was too much to take in all at once, I did find comfort and encouragement.  So  while it was at my sister G's house, it was home.
The trip there and back was uneventful, and we arrived to both destinations safely. Now it is just getting things ready for later. Thanksgiving we will be welcoming both my parents, and one of my sisters along with her family( I think her family). There is much to do and I don't like to be caught with things not done when I have had  ample time to do them. So the basement is 3/4 of the way finished. There is just more to do and then it is the task of keeping it all up.. that can be the challenge! Well, dear readers; the dishes are calling my name and I really must attend them! Be blessed until next time!

Recovery

Hubby has been off the med's for about two weeks. We are still in recovery mode. Doctors say it can take up to six months for the process to be complete. But if we are going to be honest; when you are in recovery it is for a life time, not a few months. Things wont be easy; for Hubby or for us. Hubby has told me more then a few times that there have been moments when he wants to give up, if the medication were accessible, he would take it. It breaks my heart, but I know it also strengthens his reserve. One thing that could be a concern is isolation of the kids. They don't understand what Daddy is going through or why he is going through it. The most comfort I can offer is that their long term memory has not yet formed. Goosie's is still in the beginning stages, so there is still much that she can forget.
To those who think that after detox, there is not much left to go through. I must tell you that you are wrong, on all counts. When someone comes home from detox, it is only the beginning. There is still much work to do and a lot of emotions and other things to work through. Sure there is anxiety, jitters, and the general upset stomach. But there is much else that is not mentioned. There is the disquiet of the mind that wrestles with it's self to overcome the cravings it has been trained to seek out.
I cannot begin to tell you how proud I am of Hubby. It takes much for someone to admit they have a problem, seek out and accept help, and even still decide within themselves everyday, every moment, that they will not give in, give up or go back.
Other then that things have been going well. I have a part time evening job, at the local drive-in theater. Yes they are still around. It is fun and the hours I work don't interfere with the daily activities I have with the house and the kids. Summer is in full swing and I am still trying to catch up with all the things going on. Miniman got a bike for his birthday and was steadily riding it by the next day. Bubbles should have the nickname of scar head, as twice this summer already in the same spot her little forehead has busted open. Goosie wants to learn about bodies and how they work, I have caught her with my medical dictionary a few times, thankfully she had not gotten to any of the grotesque pictures. All is well in the Big little family house. Things are quiet at night, and busy during the day, but hey.. that is summer. Until next time dear readers.. be blessed!

Hubby's Surgery

Today was the first of two surgeries for Hubby. For most that have met us you know that Hubby has irreversible nerve damage in his left foot. This damage basically is constant unrelenting pain. Hubby has been in said pain since before he and I met. He did some crazy things while out for the weekend with the guys and shattered both bones in his big toe, also shoving the shards of bone into his foot because he waited to go see the Dr.! So yes, Hubby has been in quite a bit of pain for quite some time. The condition he has is known as RSD you can follow this link for more precise information: http://www.rsdhope.org/ .


The surgery Hubby had today was the second step in a process of becoming drug free. When he was first diagnosed with the condition he had many personal struggles and admits to abusing his prescription drugs. He stopped and at one point just gave up. On Goosie's first birthday I checked him into a psych ward, to save his life. After that he was wary of trying anything new and would just ask for a stronger dosage of the medication he was already taking. Hubby was on Oxyconton. Many of you know this is not a drug to mess around with, it is actually used in some rehab centers to help Methe addicts get off the Methe.


After a few years Hubby came to the decision that he wanted off the drugs. So Christmas 2008 he was detoxing from 160mg of Oxy a day. It wasn't easy. For him, or the rest of our big little family. But with God's grace we came through it. The surgery today was the first of two surgeries and only the second step in the process of getting off the narcotic medication. Today's surgery was a success, and we will find out the date of the second surgery before the week is out.


I was talking to a friend the other day about all of this and said something that struck me as so true.. Hubby's constant pain is my consistent reminder of God's eternal grace. Yes, God's grace is sufficient. Even if Hubby had not gone through with the surgery, or if the surgery had not been successful, I am confidant that God would still hold Hubby in the palm of his hand. Worry is the opposite of Faith, Faith alone can build on it's self and make you stronger by first showing you your weaknesses.


I hope I have answered some of your questions concerning Hubby's surgery, if not just let me know and I will try to point you in the right direction. Be blessed!!

You Are Priceless.. and so am I

Tomorrow morning I am giving a talk about postpartum depression. There are many women who have experienced depression at some point. There are also those who feel guilty about experiencing depression at what should be considered a very happy time in their lives.
I was 24 when my Goosie came into the world. Hubby and I had been married 18 months when we welcomed her into our hearts and home. She was so small and helpless. I had already planned on breastfeeding, and was looking forward to the experience. As happy as I was shortly after bringing her home I thought about running away. It went through my head many times that both she and Hubby would be better off without me and that I was only holding them back. I stayed and felt all the more depressed. There were times I felt as if I were just and utter with opposable thumbs. I mentioned it to my Dr and was told that I might be bi-polar. I wasn't given any medication. As time progressed my depression had highs and lows. Some of the lows were pretty low. There was a time I thought of jumping out of a 7th story window, other times it was to over dose on Hubby's medication. Then there were the other thoughts. The ones no one wants to admit having. Actually hurting my child. I still thank God I never did. During my first bout of Postpartum depression we moved and I had to start the process of making new friends, meeting a whole new set of people and on top of that Hubby wanted another child. Goosie was 6 months old when we started trying to conceive again. Miniman was born when Goosie was 22 months old. I was still Depressed but had gotten used to the cover up. Smiling because it was expected, tears many thought were of happiness, laughter to cover up the pain. I knew how to act..I had been acting for a long time. It is one thing that women are good at. The cover up can be so convincing that we even start to believe it.
There were I am sure many who found my friendship difficult as I was a needy friend. I wanted to feel accepted, like I was someone because I felt so worthless on the inside. There are still times I look at my now body and am disgusted. I don't like what I see. Even though most of it is just extra skin.. and I know that I should feel good about it because all that extra is from bringing three of the most important people into my life. It still feels ugly and makes me feel all the more undesirable. After three kids am I still suffering some form of depression? It's rhetorical, the answer is yes.
I am still depressed, I still put on the happy face many times a day. I don't think I am giving all that I could to Hubby or my children. I love them with all of my heart and cannot bare to think of life without them. I cringe to think of their lives without me. While on an admission kick I will admit that I have known about my depression for sometime and that I have not sought help in the matter. I am well aware of how detrimental this is to my entire little family. I am also planning on talking to my Dr about it, I have an appointment tomorrow. I have posted what I hope to be a helpful link to those of you reading who have experienced depression or know someone who is or has experienced it. Although I am studying to be a Pharmacy Technician I must tell you that modern medicine is only a temporary fix to a long term problem and unless you are willing to step up, take responsibility for your feelings and start doing something about them the depression may never go away. Please if you are experiencing depression talk to someone and get help. If not for your own sake for the sake of your families. You may be feeling that you aren't worth much, but to those who love you.. you are priceless. http://www.womenshealth.gov/faq/depression-pregnancy.cfm

Preschool, Kindergarten and Other Things

For two hours every Tuesday and Wednesday I get to have special time with Bubbles! She is growing so quickly and I feel so blessed to be her mom! She is almost running around the house and her vocabulary seems to be growing by the minute. My Mom has been able to create a special bond between herself and Bubbles. I am thankful for it and once again wonder why God would choose to bless me so abundantly! So here is a picture of Bubbles being her wonderful self!










Here is a picture of my Miniman, on his first day of Preschool! He was allowed to bring in a stuffed animal and he chose this little puppy! At the start of the summer he was not potty trained and now he is fully potty trained! I am so proud of him. Miniman is excited to have school to go to and I am thankful that his teacher is one that he was able to bond with over the course of last school year! He is getting so big and learning so much. Miniman is very interested in reading and writing. Already he asks me to help him write his name! Miniman also has his own room now and sleeps there by himself all night! I am so proud of him. At the same time it is hard for me to watch him grow up so quickly. I am thankful for him and the blessing he is to myself and Hubby.

Here is my sweet Goosie. She likes to ride the bus everyday! In the morning when she wakes up the first thing she asks is if she gets to ride the school bus that day. She spends so much time at school and then when she gets home she is able to tell me about her day and we try to plan a play date with a new friend once a week. She is such a bright little wonder. Again I am overwhelmed at being her Mom. She now shares a room with Bubbles and unlike Miniman the girls aren't sleeping through the night in their beds. But it is a work in progress. I am hopeful that by her 6th birthday she will no longer be retreating to my bed at 5am!

Hubby and I are doing well. I am almost a month out from the breast reduction surgery. I was a little shocked to realize that almost 5 pounds of excess skin and tissue was removed. My mom S has been here for almost a month to assist me during my recovery. S is invaluable, there is so much she steps in to do with out question. There have been many times over the last few weeks I have felt like I have been taking advantage of her. I am not used to just sitting around and doing some of the things I haven't been able to do in years! S has helped me not only with keeping the house clean, but organizing it as well, my basement will be a live able space and not just storage! Also her assistance in reinforcing me with the children has been an answer to prayer! There are so many things I wanted to accomplish with them and with her here to help me they have flourished! I must admit that Goosie wanted her to go home after only being here for a short time because the rules changed. But when I told Goosie that even after S leaves, the rules stay. Needless to say she is not happy with the thought and I am certain that she will test it, but I hope I will not fold. Well, enough for now I have some things to accomplish before Hubby gets home from work. Until next time dear readers, be blessed!

One week later..

I did do a lot of research before my procedure. I had started a trail of paperwork as soon as I understood that I was eligible and that my insurance would cover it. That was 2004, now five years later I am sitting here, feeling the pain of the surgery still. For those of you wondering what exactly happened I hunted down this animated video..
http://video.about.com/womenshealth/Breast-Reduction.htm It helped answer many of the questions hubby had and it should help anyone else too.


There are parts of me that are still numb and other parts where the nerves have already formed the necessary attachments. Still there are things that I am feeling that I honestly don't want to feel. I am one week post-op and feeling okay. I have my Doctors appointment tomorrow morning. I feel very positive about it as the swelling has gone down, the stitches are itchy, and the bruising is mostly a sickly yellow. Hubby said that I was bruised every where that was covered by my bra, and honestly that is a whole lotta bruising!Hubby keeps reminding me to take my medication. I honestly just don't like the way it makes me feel. Numb all over is not a good thing for me, the pain is manageable so I almost don't see the point. But then there are nights like last night where I couldn't get comfortable enough to go to sleep. Hubby brought up my medication and then told me that no one expects me to be brave and recover without medication, and that he is sure everyone will think I am crazy for not taking it when I need it.


The kids are slowly getting used to Mommy not being able to do many things. And I am also learning my own boundaries. Not being able to pick up the kids is hard, mostly because I am so used to it. Hubby has taken over the house! Everything stays clean and put away, and for those of you who don't know there are many levels of clean, and Hubby's level of clean is higher then my level of clean. I cannot think of anything that he has not done. He has taken over the cooking, cleaning, diaper changing, potty training and all of the other things I had going on. Right now he has both the girls at Goosie's kindergarten test. Miniman is here with me, and I must say he is doing well. My mom will be here tomorrow night and I know that Hubby can hardly wait for some reinforcements..!


This past Saturday I went to the Battalion Organizational, it looked like a good time. Hubby was originally just going to take the kids, but I needed a change of scenery. I went and basically watched him take care of the kids, and had some help from some of the others there. I wasn't able to do anything but stand or sit around. I know I know that is all I should have been doing anyway! Church yesterday was interesting. Hubby had to take the kids to all of their classes as I wasn't able to. I know I know I am complaining, but really I am used to doing all of it and now to only be able to brush teeth, and fix hair... it kinda sucks!


Well, I need to get myself ready for the day and as you can imagine that takes longer then usual now. Maybe I will catch up on all the class work I haven't been able to do because I have been so busy. Until next time dear readers... blessings to you!

3 Days After Surgery

I haven't posted in a while. First I was trying to get things as ready as possible for my upcoming surgery. Then there was all the things I didn't anticipate, now I am on day 3 post operation and things are settling into some what of a routine. I sleep most of the day because I am tired, and it makes it harder for the kids to climb on me. Hubby has be wonderful! He has been taking care of the kids and the house, I literally don't feel needed. Goosie and Miniman understand that I can't pick them up, Bubbles is less patient. I end up sitting on the floor when she decides that she wants me to hold her.
I have taken my first post op shower and like giving birth there is nothing better then getting cleaned up after a whole lotta mess. The girls are tender, the stitches a bit itchy, and oh yes the bruising is horrific! Really, it looks like I was in a bad movie and the girls were the stars (but that is kinda what happened).
Hubby took some pictures before the operation, and I am waiting to take the post operation pictures. Mostly because I can only wear button up shirts, and I only have a few of those.
The change is quite dramatic, 1/2 of each breast was taken off. When the Dr. did the markings I was a little shocked that each line represented a cut. The post operation bra is bulky, I had purchased a close front sports bra before the surgery and must admit that it feels better then the one the Dr.'s office supplied for me. I am trying to walk around the house, as Dr's orders are for me not to be dormant. I want so badly to do the things I used to on a regular basis, but cannot. It is so wonderful that Hubby is here to take care of everything, I don't know what I would do without him.
I put one of the bra's I used to wear most often on my chest and my new boobs didn't even touch the material! I know you all are wanting pictures and I will post some as soon as I get dressed (I have been wearing pj's since the operation). I can't wait to go bra shopping and get some of the ones I have been wanting to wear for as long as I can remember but couldn't because my breasts were too big. Then there are all of the clothes too.. I miss the ones I got rid of after having Goosie!
Other then that things have been going well. I was taking percocet for pain, but have down graded to Tylenol because I need to be aware of the pain. the percocet made my whole body numb and I thought I could do anything, by just taking the Tylenol I can realize my limits.

Weaning and Surgery Plans

Last night was the first night. Today is the aftermath. Bubbles has not nursed since Thursday early morning, and she is not happy! She slept with Hubby last night on the couch. He said that she woke up every hour wanting her nursies. I feel badly, but then I also must admit that I don't. She has had longer then the other two, and I must admit that she really likes them. It is just time. With the surgery pending and me leaving for a few days next weekend, I actually think I should have started a while ago. When we got back from SC I stopped nursing her during the day, now the night time is gone too. Hubby isn't getting as much sleep. I am ashamed to admit that I slept better last night then I have in the last year (not including the pregnancy).
It is a bit of a rough transition, weaning a little one. But it is a necessity. There are just somethings that don't need to continue past the first year.
Bubbles won't let me out of her sight and that is not really that surprising. What was a little surprising was that when Hubby left this morning, she threw a fit! All out! I had to blow in her face to get her to breathe again! I am reminded of the two other times we have done this. In the first year I hear countless times that the baby doesn't want Hubby. But as soon as we start the weaning process, baby doesn't want anything to do with me and everything to do with Hubby. What a shocker huh?
I am trying to get things done around the house as usual. I already have a game plan in place for the surgery. The Friday before I will go in for a markup, then I will be in surgery bright and early Monday morning. Hubby is going to take some time off, about a week and a half or two. A few days before he goes back to work my parents will come up to help for the remainder. The Doctor says I should only pick something up that weighs the same as a gallon of milk for 3 weeks. I am sure if I need more help my parents will stay on, if possible. There is so much to do! I am praying for a quick non complicated recovery. And yes, I will post modest before and after pictures. I am quite excited as I realized that I will be able to wear a dress this year that I haven't worn since before I was pregnant with Goosie. That is a great reward! The other good thought is that when Hubby and I plan on renewing our wedding vows I will be able to fit in to my dress again! That is a thought that makes me feel really good! Now to work on my belly, so I am off to exercise!