This year I had the privilege to attend a Birth Mothers ceremony with my friend HB. It was held the day before Mothers Day. It has taken me a while to write about it simply because it was so emotional and meaningful I wanted to get it all right and my thoughts straight. So here it goes.
Picture yourself in a hotel conference size room, there are chairs in a horse shoe setting, many women and a few men milling about the room. There are few if any children present, it's the ones who aren't there whose absence is felt the most. There are women ranging in age from around their early to late 50's to their early to late teens. Each one is somber. There is a palpable sadness, yet it is bittersweet. My friend HB is there; she is wearing a corsage, holding a white candle and sits in the inner part of the horse shoe. There are tissues placed under about every other seat.. there is no one guessing why they will be needed. The master of ceremonies takes the stand and in a soothing voice tells us all why we are here, holding our candles, sitting behind our friends and loved ones. A child, in some cases more then one. You see each woman in the inner horse shoe is a mother. She is a mother that society has stripped of her title because of either a decision that she made or one that was forced upon her, but she is no less mother. She carried a child in her womb to term. Some were lucky enough to hold or see their newborn babies, others never had a stolen glimpse of the life they had suffered through so much to bring into this world. It is my intention with this blog to hopefully change the social ideal that even though these women and so many others no longer have their children with them, care for their daily needs, or any of the other things that we see common motherhood as, these women and so many others are a different kind of mother. There is more then one type you see.
Type one is the older birth mother who gave birth to a child when it was seen as the most dishonorable thing to do to your family. Many of them were shipped off to other cities; convents; relatives; any where they were not known. A simple false band was at times placed on their left ring finger and they were bereft of family, friends, love, support, understanding, proper medical treatment, the list could go on and on. They carried their children to term in places where they were called names, spit upon, and other types of abuse that if it were to happen now it would probably considered a federal offense if not a violation of personal rights. Some gave birth to their children, with out medication at times to teach them to suffer for their sin. Others hemorrhaged and died, in the birthing room, their true identities never recorded, families were notified, but some of them just disappeared. There were a few of this type of birth mother at the meeting. They held their heads strong and proud, still claiming the hope of the child(ren) they had never seen. The aching pain still so apparent on their faces, it was almost too much to bear. Yes, these women are mothers. Some of the strongest I will probably ever meet. They have not given up hope of meeting their children, even though birth records had been faked, adoptions were illegal in every sense of the word and any records that could still be on file have been sealed by the courts. To say that these women, some who were so physically scarred by the birth process that they were never able to have any other children, is more then a disservice.
The second type, are the birth mothers whose experience was not as traumatic, but none the less as painful. They are the birth mothers who willingly gave their child(ren) up for adoption, but due to social fears the adoptions were closed. These women have also never seen their children. You may have heard about some of theirs looking for them. Their children want to know why they were given up for adoption. Some were never told until literally on the deathbeds of their adoptive parents. Some of these children, have gone their entire lives feeling out of touch, place, and searching for where they fit in. They have question's no one can answer, because once again the records have been forged. These birth mothers have also been stripped of their title as a Mom. Due to society, and circumstance, laws and the general thought, because these women signed away their parental rights they are not mother's. I must tell you that you are poorly mistaken. Once again I saw these women stand with quiet determination, in the hope that they would see their children soon, while accepting that soon may not be until after they have passed on.
I now move to the third type of birth mother. This birth mother would not be possible without the sacrifices, determination, and resilience of the other two. This is the newest generation of birth mothers. These mothers are lucky to have open adoption as an option with their child(ren) and the adoptive family. It is this group that my friend HB is in. HB is one of the lucky birth mothers who receives updates on her child, pictures, phone calls and yes even visits. The adoptive parents made a commitment to her and the child they adopted that they would include her in their family and their lives. This I can only imagine is not an easy undertaking for either party. As they live in separate states visits are few and far between, but when they are able to visit.. it is bittersweet. There are some in this new generation that choose closed adoptions. I understand why that would be appealing to some, but I also understand the appeal and pull to the openness of adoption. To allow a child to grow up in a loving environment, with parents who can/will meet their needs in a way that the birth mother herself could or would not on her own. To then allow that child to know that they are loved by not only their adoptive parents, but also by the woman they will more then likely seek out in their life, even if it were not an open adoption. Gives that child the chance to be a well rounded, well loved individual. Who then, in my opinion, may have a better chance at living a fulfilling life then those who are raised in abusive homes.
There are many in our society who say that because these women are no longer the legal parent of their child, they are no longer a mother. I want to challenge that opinion. Are we not called upon as parents to set aside our own well being for the betterment of our children. Our happiness as parents should, in my opinion, come from the knowledge that our children are happy. Our children are our future, and while parenthood is not something to be entered into lightly, neither is making a hard decision. The birth mothers of today and yesteryear will always be mothers. They may not be actively raising their children; some by choice, other by force. But that never the less changes the fact that their bodies changed, hormones fluxed, and even mother nature herself would call them mothers, so why not us?
Birth Mothers Day is celebrated every year the day before mothers day. This was not said at the gathering but I would like to think that it is before Mother's Day because without the sacrifice of these and so many other women, their would be countless others who would otherwise not celebrate the day. Think about it, is there not someone in your life who has been touched by adoption; a friend,a family member? These women are not weak by any means. I must tell you that the quiet strength I saw that day changed me. A little over two years ago my sister N went through a failed adoption. There were some in my family, I sadly admit, who were bitter towards the birth mother and her family. Many of us were all ready and willing to accept this new little one into our great big family. When the call came, I can imagine my sisters sadness. But then I talked to her about it. She told me the most beautiful thing. That one little guy was so special he got two mommies, she is just his spiritual one whom he will probably never know of nor ever meet. But she will still be praying for him as he grows and matures to be the man he will one day become. How great the sacrifice to become a parent, how much more to live with the aching absence of not seeing your beautiful child, because (at least for the new generation) you love them so much you gave them more.
If you know a birth mother; thank her, love on her, encourage her. Hers is a pain she hides and at times almost too well. But it is still painful, for any mother to be without their child there is always an aching hole no matter how short or long the separation. Don't be mean or crass and say she is not a mother, there is no bond greater on this earth then that of mother and child. God created that bond, it takes a strength I can only imagine and a love I can barely fathom, to give your child something greater then yourself.
Just some food for thought dear readers, be blessed.
