A Gentle Calling

     Back in January I started using the Amazon Music application on my phone; so that I could listen to music that I could be encouraged by as I went throughout my workday. For about 6 weeks without fail one song would come on and set the tone for my day. It did not seem to matter what time I started the music, the same song would come on. Quite simply I needed it to prepare me. I just had not realized it yet. You will find the song below and I hope Dear Readers that you will be blessed:

     I recently had the great pleasure of attending a women's conference. I can honestly say that I wondered why it took me so long to go to one. I can't remember the last time I attended a christian women's conference. At the end I was challenged, encouraged and humbled. It was a wonderful weekend. The Monday after the conference I was back at work and another song started being the first one. In all honesty I did not like the song. I didn't think that it really applied to me. It spoke of such an honest and simple intimacy I didn't know what to make of it. I would skip over it and wait for the next song to start or just switch music players. Boy, was I hard headed. It has taken me a bit but I heard the song again today. This time I didn't turn the dial (or app). I listened, and in my listening I struggled. There was imagery there I couldn't grasp. When I thought about the words to the chorus, all I could think about was Hubby. The security and acceptance I feel in his embrace. I was still uncomfortable with the song, but I listened. Earlier this evening I shared my feelings with an insightful woman. She challenged me to tell Heavenly Father about my confusion and to ask him for clarity. So on my way home, I did. Sure enough the song came on again:

Instead thinking of my wonderful Hubby. I had memories flood my minds eye. Of Goosie being so enthralled  with her Daddy that she didn't want to be without him. If he was reading a book, she was in his lap asking about the words. If he had a drink and she was given a sip of it; oh it was wonderful. Each of the children have craved time with both Hubby and I. These moments, that I can't always remember came pouring in. I could see Miniman dressing like his Daddy, wanting to have child size things of Daddy's. I saw Bubbles quieting and resting her blonde head on her Daddy's chest, just to listen to his heart and hear him breathe. That was so calming to her. During all of this I cried. I cried tears of thankfulness, tears of regret. There is so very much that I do not remember. When Goosie was just a tiny thing, I was envious of her. I grew out of that. So in the midst of my brokenness another song came on the radio and all I could do was worship. 

So there it is Dear Readers, This is where I am. While I can't be sure of anything, one thing I can count on is that I have a Good Good Father  and he loves me. I am called to a Deeper Relationship with him. His love is overwhelming and am in awe that He never gets tired of me, He doesn't loose interest in me and he will always be there. Truly Heavenly Father, who am I that you would love me so? Good night Dear Readers, be blessed. 

Love and Marriage

         Marriage has been on my heart lately. Not just because I am married.. more because there is so much that I don't understand but fully appreciate about it. Hubby and I have been together for 13 years. Most days it seems just like yesterday, other times it seems like I have known him all my life. 
There have been ups and there have been downs. Sometimes the ups out number the downs, other times the downs seem overwhelming. In the military I have seen many relationships. Some have been more grounded then others. While I have admired the relationships of others, I am ever grateful for mine. I wanted to write a little about that, and hope that you will bare with me,

          Hubby and I have a wonderful working relationship. Last year he and I celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary. My wonderful sister N sent us an anniversary card:

Love is not for sisses. Love is not all music and moonlight and romance.

Love, real love takes work. it takes patience and courage and commitment.

real love- the kind that makes two people make as promise as big as " I DO"-

isn't easy. but if anything in life is worth the effort, it's Real Love. 

and if anyone deserves that kind of LOVE it's the two of you.

I was brought to tears. My sisters have had an almost front row seat to my marriage. There is much and more they don't know. We have had our trials and difficult situations. Through it all Hubby and I have been openly honest with each other. Hubby is my best friend and we tell each other almost everything. Almost, because there are somethings we choose to keep private. 

     I had many insecurities in the beginning. There was so much baggage that I brought into this relationship with because of my past. I remember the anxiety and the fear I had. That I would not measure up to some imagined vision of what a wife really was.  I admired the wives portrayed in the 50's. These surly were women that had it all together. I held myself to that standard for sometime. Hubby would come home from work and I would have dinner waiting. In the beginning the house would be clean, and once he came home there was nothing he had to do but relax. Then the children came, and the housework took a back seat to being a parent. I regretted the digression from having a neat and orderly house, to one of chaos and clutter. Then Hubby would remind me that he likes the home we have, and doesn't miss the house we used to.

     

        I say all of this because so much of it ties into our marriage. Marriage is so much more than rainbows and butterflies. It is hard work that unless you have a great partner, it is tough to stay afloat. I can honestly say that Hubby loves me as Christ loves the Church. I know that he would do anything for me including laying down his life. Hubby has a chronic pain condition and it seeps into every part of our relationship. The simple overwhelming fact that he gets up everyday and makes an intentional effort to be a part of our families lives is amazing to me. Hubby doesn't give into the pain or the other baggage that threatens to take him away from us. He fights with every moment to be here, in the present. 

          This last year form 12 to 13 has been a difficult one. Years ago when Hubby had open spinal surgery I leaned on Heavenly Father just to breathe, I thought that I was close. But as life and little things do it got in the way and I drifted. Heavenly Father still watched and guided me, in all honesty I drifted away. Towards the end of the year things got rough. I could see how our relationship had deteriorated and that our children were suffering. Hubby went into the hospital as a last ditch effort to save his life and our marriage. Then I got a call. It was horrific. The nurse told me that Hubby almost died. I felt a black hole open up in my chest,  everything I had ever dreamed was getting sucked in and I was bereft. I have never felt so alone. I went to see an artist friend of mine S. I wanted a new tattoo. Something to remind me that this fight for Hubby's life is not over, that although I married Hubby, he does not belong to me, I asked my friend: " What do I do now?" S just looked at me and said " You go home and be the best Mom you can be for your kids, Don't worry about him, He is going to get the help he needs" . So I went home, On the way I called my brother in law D. I asked him to pray and I asked for his advise. D told me that I had to give all of Hubby to God. Every part of our marriage. All of the emotions and memories, all the hopes and dreams of the future and I would have to do so repeatedly. In angry bitter tears I thanked him and hung up. The drive home was difficult; I screamed, I cried, I begged. I prayed. I found peace; then came joy. It was still going to be hard, but I was confidant that  heavenly Father was going to see me through. When I got home I had the strength to do the best I could for the kids. 

         Hubby cam home about a week later. I have had the humble privilege of watching a change take over him. Our relationship changed, his walk with Heavenly Father changed, the way he parents the children beside me changed. There has been much change in the past 6 months. Recently when we celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary. We had a Marriage Encounter one weekend, that one weekend changed everything again. There is an intimacy now in our relationship that did not exist before. There is a security and celebration not only in our commitment to each other, but in the welcoming of Heavenly Father in our marriage. I am humbled and excited to see where this road will take us. I am also more determined than before that Heavenly Father has a plan for us and His plan is far better then anything we could ever conceive .  

           Many times I wake in the morning with a song of praise on my lips, thankfulness in my heart and an excitement to discover what will happen next. There are other times admittedly that I awaken to a much somber emotion. However, I have learned that no matter the mood in which I greet the day, Heavenly Father will change my heart, if I humbly ask him to. There are so many ways that I see Heavenly Father's love though out my day. I encourage you dear readers to look, listen and be still. At times it is in the midst of the chaos that you will find peace. Be blessed.

        

Gearing Up

 

      It's that time of year again. You know when the portable office supplies seem to appear on the shelves and disappear just as quickly. Parents and guardians are running around like the proverbial chicken with it's head cut off, just trying to but everything on the list. All the while praying that the teacher won't give them a new one on the first day of school. This year is a little different for my little big family and I. Hubby and I have chosen to start homeschooling Goosie and Miniman. I have conferred with my already homeschooling sister and a few friends and although I am prepared, I must admit that this year may be found a little more daunting then past years.
     There is fear. Fear that I will not be able to teach them, fear that some how homeschooling won't work out and they will go back to public school. Then I remember who their mom is. I remember that I helped ever so slightly in their creation, I was just the vessel after all. Yes, my little blessings were created with me in mind. They challenge me, question me and overwhelm me all so wonderfully. And now we are choosing to teach them. In reality I have been their longest teacher. I have taught them how to walk, talk, feed themselves, play, run, ride bicycles, and so very much more. I have been their teacher from the beginning, so teaching them school shouldn't be that much of a stretch. After all, I just have to remember what equipment I will be working with.
     While it is the same equipment I have had all along, now it will simply be used with a different purpose in mind. Sure there is a part of me that doesn't want to do this. It's that same part of me that thinks I will never be good enough. That other's could do what I am going to do much easier because they have gone to college for it, they have been trained. The truth of the matter is that I have gone to "college" for this and the last nine years of my life I have been training for this position. So the curriculum has been chosen, the majority of the year is mapped out. I have already planned a field trip to the history museum. All very exciting.
      Hubby has been on leave the past month and he will soon be going back to work. I have also started a new job, at a hotel in guest services. It will only be a few nights a week, which is manageable. My days are filling up and with them the nights as well. Housework will be on the side back burner as will other things. I must admit that I have been praying, a lot. Prayer is my best defense after all. I am thinking of getting up early in the morning and walking the neighborhood. It will be nice to have quiet time outside of the house. Then it will be home and time to get ready for school to start. Goosie and Miniman are both looking forward to the start of the school year. Right now I think I am experiencing the calm before the storm. I am confidant that the peace I feel now will carry me through the school year.
       The video posted above is a good reminder of who I am and what my mission is in this life. I am not some random person who just happened to be who and where I am at this point in time. I was born in this time for a reason. Although fear and doubt may at times plague me. I have the assurance of who my Heavenly Father is, knowing that as long as I lay myself down, He can accomplish His work in me. Yes, it means that I die every second of the day, but it also means that I live. I am a child of the One True King and there is nothing that I cannot accomplish with Him. Without him? Well that is different all together. Until next time Dear Readers, Be Blessed!

A Reminder

     I cleaned out the truck this morning. Miniman got sick all over the back seat, on the way to the hospital. Although I did wipe down said truck shortly there after, it still reeked! Thus the cleaning of it today. I have had a lot of time to think about things lately, and doing the Bible Reading Study  has me marinating on a lot of stuff. With it being the new year many people are busy making and breaking resolutions. After my daily reading one day I realized what my word of the year was. The concept is a simple one- choose one word to fully embrace in the new year. A word that will guide you, transform you, inspire you and challenge you for the coming year. My word this year is Helpmeet. As I was cleaning the truck today I realize how diverse that word really is. It is not just about my relationship with Hubby, it is part of the center of our family life. How? Well, God made me as Hubby's equal but opposite submissive other half. I understand if that is a lot to take in. Once I started wrapping my head around it, I knew that some would consider me crazy mad.
     It is not only our relationship that I am a helper with. I am charged to be his helper in every aspect of our lives. In many ways Hubby and I have stewardship of the blessings Heavenly Father has so richly bestowed upon us. One of which is our children, as children are a reward and blessing from the Lord. Everything we own, is a result of Him blessing us. There is nothing we have that is "ours". So Hubby and I are stewards of our three biggest blessings. Our children do not belong to us, how much more should we be careful in their care?!  So when Miniman was in the hospital this week, I was reminded. Reminded that Goosie, Miniman and Bitty-bit don't belong to me. They were each born with a purpose, it is up to Hubby and I to guide and nurture them in discovering who they are in Christ. There are things that parents go through and it is hard for them. It is even harder for the parent to be restrained on the sidelines as their child goes through things alone. I am intimately familiar with the migraines that run in my family. I am also familiar with how wonderful the Lord is at seeing me though. This is the comfort I can give to Hubby as his helpmeet; in turn this confidence can be seen by the children, thus allowing the rough waters to become a gentle rocking in Heavenly Father's arms as He carries them through.
     If I were to get caught up in the whirlwind that gives Hubby and I ownership of things. It would be harder to let go and let God have his way. Who am I to tell God, the creator of everything that He cannot use Miniman for his purpose and glory? It is our job as his parents to show Miniman in our walks that God has everything under control, and that God works everything out for the good of those who love Him. We are his first teachers, and if we fail to teach him (and his sisters) about the Lord.. we are not good stewards of our blessings. In no way am I saying that Hubby and I are an example to everyone else. Rather, we are still learning and this is one thing that has been brought to my attention that I need to work on. To put it the right way: this is one more part of my life,  that I need to fully give over to the Lord so that He can be honored and glorified in it. Well, there is much to do. I have yesterday's reading to write about along with today's. Until next time dear Readers.. Be Blessed

The Rains In Life

When the rains in life come, choose to dance. When dancing you feel free and afterwards are exhausted. Dance in the rain. ~DBarker1422 (Twitter)

     When I look back on the last ten years of my relationship with Hubby. I can remember a lot of dancing. Not really with him, he doesn't dance. More with Heavenly Father as the storms in life have come up.  Some would say it would be easier sometimes to pretend the rain isn't falling. To put up an umbrella, stamp my feet and shout that " I am still dry, it's not raining!!". In the end, it would just rain more, I would have to go over a lesson a few times rather than paying attention and getting it on the first go. 

     At five months pregnant with Goosie, I had the triple test done. The results came back that my sweet baby had a high chance of being born with open Spina Bifida. I was 24 and heartbroken. I also did what I tend to do when I am overwhelmed, I call someone and ask them to pray with me. This time I called my brother-in-law D. After praying together on the phone (he in SC and I in WA). I felt a peace come over me. From that point on I knew that no matter what my "babylove" would be okay. I also had confidence that no matter how she came out, we would be able to be the parents she needed us to be. Shortly after the test results, we were given the option of another ultrasound and an amniocentesis. The amniocentesis is a medical procedure where a long needle is inserted through the abdomen, into the uterus and amniotic fluid is extracted for testing. There is a chance of preterm labor and we didn't see the point of taking a risk, no matter how small the Dr's said it would be. You can find more information here. So we declined the test and were referred to a counselor for genetic testing. We sat in a small office on an Army Base and were told our choices. What the insurance would pay for and what it wouldn't. When Hubby and I emerged I think both of us were all the more determined not to let any one in the medical community tell us what we could and couldn't do. We were going to trust in God and God alone. The pregnancy continued, almost text book. Then at forty weeks and one day my water broke and we headed to the hospital. I wasn't progressing the way the Dr felt I should, and ended up being induced. Goosie was born full term and perfect  She had a 9 on her first APGAR and a 10 on her second. Goosie was healthy and whole, God danced me through that storm.

     Goosie's first birthday, I will never forget. It was the start of a second storm. Hubby had been placed on a new medication that was supposed to help with his pain management. The Dr. didn't dose Hubby correctly, so that morning Hubby woke up with a plan, he had it rationalized/justified and he was just waiting. I tried to keep the day normal for Goosie. But after hours of convincing I took Hubby into the hospital, he was admitted and I could not see him for 48 hours. I remember placing Goosie in her car-seat, latching everything in place and climbing into the drivers seat. I felt an overwhelming depression try to take over me. After all, we had just moved. I had yet to make any friends, find a church home or even be introduced to the Command. I sat there in my car and prayed. I prayed that God would take hold of Hubby, I claimed his life.. and not just any life but abundant life. Even after knowing what Hubby had on his mind to do, I knew that wasn't what God had planned for him. So I prayed, I drove home and prayed. The time that Hubby spent in the hospital I curled up with our sweet Goosie and sang her to sleep each night. I prayed comfort over her, myself and Hubby. I also had a peace. Before I was finished driving out of the parking garage.. I was overwhelmed with rolls of peace flooding my soul. When Hubby was released things went back to our kind of normal, a little while later we discovered that our family was going to grow again.. abundant life. God danced me through that storm as well.
  
      We went years without big storms. Sure there were the everyday ones that seem so small and insignificant. I know that God walked me through those. The next big storm came when Miniman was 4. We were at a friends house sharing lunch and making the girls Easter dresses, when my friend came in and told me that something was wrong with Miniman. I went in to check on him and my worst fear was soon confirmed. Miniman was having a migraine. And not just any migraine but the kind I get. My friend kept the girls, I carried Miniman out to the truck and headed to the hospital, calling Hubby on the way so he could meet us there. I remember Miniman pleading from his car-seat for me to sing to him. He was scared and wanted to hear the song that has lulled him to sleep all his short life. So with my voice breaking and many starts and stops I sang Baby Mine. While singing I also prayed. I asked God to give me the migraine, to spare my son. I asked him to heal my sweet boy and make him whole. I also prayed that God would get the glory and that His will would be done above my own. My friend challenged me to give Miniman to God, to quit taking him back, to trust that God knew what he was doing concerning Miniman and that I didn't need to stand in the way of a blessing. I received a peace once again. I wrote about the experience here. At the hospital the Dr's ran many tests. There is no way to tell if someone is having a migraine or not. The only test that is out there is a DNA test and those are not cheap. Instead the Dr's have to rule everything else out. After almost a week Miniman was released. Things went back the way they had and Miniman has no residual effects. God danced me through another storm.

     Hubby has chronic pain, he has been living with it since 2001. The Dr he was seeing told him about an option that was now available. It would require him getting off of the narcotic's he had been on for nine years and an open spinal surgery. You can find my original posts here and here. I was reading through the book of Esther and learned that she also had a storm to walk through. Esther fasted and prayed diligently before she went before the king. So I took notes, I prayed and fasted about Hubby's surgery. I knew that there were three ways in which the surgery would result. 1. He would come out better then he went in. 2. He would be paralyzed from the waist down or 3. I would no longer see him on this side of heaven. Two of the three were daunting. I couldn't imagine my life with out Hubby, let alone raising our three little ones alone. So I prayed, but not for my will to be done, but that God's will. I also thanked God for Hubby, the life that we had, our children.. for everything. I remember kissing Hubby goodbye not knowing if it would be the last time, but having peace. Hours later, Hubby was out of surgery and after a bit of in hospital recovery I was able to take him home. He was wheeled out to the truck and when I saw him stand.. my heart overflowed with joy! Heavenly Father led and I danced through yet another storm. 

      The point of this post is to brag of course. To brag on Heavenly Father, knowing that his ways are not our ways and when the rains and storms of life come. I have a resting place, and so do you if you will accept it. It is a privilege to be a child of the Almighty. Knowing that no matter what this life throws at us there is nothing we could ever go through that He has not seen us through. I am blessed beyond all measure, it is my hope that after reading about some of the storms he has lead, carried and danced me through, you would be encouraged in the midst of your own. I know that the rain and storms will still come, because I am not yet home. So until next time Dear Readers.. Be Blessed!

Count Your Blessings

     Once a week I have a standing lunch date with each of the children. I look forward to the individual time with them. When all three of them are home during the summer I have to be more intentional in special time, but with each school year I am afforded the opportunity to relish them for at least 30 minutes a week. It is never enough time. All the same however I am one of very few parents whom the school is on a first name basis with for a good reason. They see me at least once a week at the preschool and twice a week at the elementary school. They are all familiar with my face, my children and my family. This is a good thing.  I would rather this be the reason the school knows my family so well rather than the alternative.
     As the holidays are quickly approaching, so is the realization that orders will be coming soon. This will be our last big move. Hubby will retire in a year and the kids will no longer switch schools, states or districts unless We decide. I have been letting the schools and teachers know that we will not be here for the entire school year since the start of this school year. I have made no commitments to the schools or teachers, only doing the things I can when I can, to assist however I can. I let them all know last school year that they would have me and my family for as long as the Army allows and then we will move on.
      Before we moved from Ohio, the elementary school Goosie went to greatly looked forward to Miniman attending their school. When I called over the summer and let the principal know that we had moved and sent along the records release papers, she voiced her disappointment. The sadness in her voice was palpable. But there was nothing I could do. Again I heard the sadness and disappointment today. Apparently Bitty-bit has been a source of exuberance for the office staff at the elementary school. They get to keep an eye on her and a few other bus riders from the preschool until the buses are loaded and ready to go home from the elementary school. Brainstorming was already happening and a kindergarten teacher being narrowed down for her, until I broke the news once again today. Yes, Hubby would be coming down with orders soon and no, I don't think we will be here for Christmas holiday's.
     Apparently I am not the only one who sees Bitty-bit's strong personality. Upon meeting her some would think that she is the oldest, but she is the opposite. Bitty-bit has a strong will, but she also has compassion. I have seen her take charge and lead in her preschool class, but I have also seen her willing to step out and conquer whatever may lay ahead. So long as it doesn't involve cleaning her room. Each of the children have strong determination. Goosie allows herself to get overwhelmed at times and makes mountains out of mole hills. But the moment you tell her she can't do something, she will work like crazy to prove you wrong (like me). Miniman wants to get things done the right way according to him, sometimes it takes him a little longer. But his work is always complete and neat. Bitty-bit well, you can sum her up with one phrase: if there is a will there is a way. And she will find both!
       The one thing that I have heard many times is that our children are well adjusted. No matter where we move, what house we live in or any thing else. The children thrive. I thank the Lord for that. With out Him I could not be the parent they need me to be. I remember praying over each of them while they were being knit together.~ Lord, make them strong. Make them whole. Make them yours. Mold me into the parent they need me to be and not the one society tells me I have to be. Give them a heart that seeks after you and assist me in guiding them. ~ Are our children perfect  No, but they are ours. God fashioned them in such a way to challenge us so that we would draw closer to him, and so that we could show them how to do the same. For that reason alone I count them as as blessing from the Lord.  Until next time dear readers, Be Blessed!
   

Changes

Hubby was listening to a play list the other day and on it was the song Landslide. It got me thinking; I have had a number of good intentions, but good intentions don't get you far. Only purposefully doing something will get you anywhere. To make up your mind to be intentional about changing your situation or surroundings is the only way they will every change. So, there are some changes I have been leery of making that are past due in their time.  I have been leery honestly not because of fear, more due to just putting off till tomorrow what I should do today. Something I have felt conviction over lately is my personal time with Heavenly Father. I honestly don't take time. I think my day is full and there is too much on my plate, I rationalize telling myself that He see's all that I have going on, he understands.
But when I really sit back and think about it, I am cheating him of the one thing he asks of me. I am ashamed. So now I have a plan. Last summer I bought a book, my intention was to read it and pray daily for Hubby. Pray over every aspect of his person. I failed. I only reached chapter 12. I also had wanted to read my Bible daily as it is a wonderful way to grow, be renewed and refreshed. I didn't get far with that either. You see I fell into the trap that I think many good intentioned people fall into. I have a great idea, I even start it. But at some point, I stop. Claiming that life just got too busy or something else. Never really owning up to it. So this is me, owning up to my short comings. Those good intentions that only got so far. I don't want to be a woman of good intentions I want to be a woman of character, of worth.
So this is me making a public statement of commitment to read a chapter of Proverbs every day, there are 31 chapters so I should be able to read through the book every month. I also want to go through that book and pray for a different aspect of Hubby everyday over the course of a month, there are 30 prayers. I want to make a change, I want to be the change in my little family. I am not saying that we are at the brink of badness, but there is always room for improvement. And I want to show my children that intentions don't make the person, but follow through and dedication does. Lead by example. I haven't been the best leader, there is room for change and improvement. I pray that God would direct my path so that my family can draw closer to him. Until next time dear readers, be blessed.

Beautiful Rainbow.. what a merciful gift!

In Sunday School this morning a query was poised:  " Where there is sin, is/can God still be there?"

To me the answer was a no brainer! Of course he is there, he is everywhere.. at all times! How is he there? His grace.. it is everywhere in any situation no matter what. The fact that there are some who do not have a relationship with Him.. is not his choice, but theirs. God's grace is sufficient! A little bit after the discussion had moved ahead to other subjects I recalled something I had learned months ago. It is in Revelation chapter 4. The part where the throne of God is being described. I have to stop you here and let you know how visual of a person I am. When I hear or read something I can sometimes see it in my head. This is how it was with the description of the throne. The part I got really excited about.. (and I hope you do too) is the emerald rainbow that encircles the throne. A long time ago (probably when I was Goosie's age) I learned that the rainbow is a sign of God's promise to never flood the earth again because of sin. When I then read years later that a rainbow encircled the throne I got goose bumps. When I read that passage I see a picture of a magnificent throne, and a rainbow encircles it's base (where the bottom of the legs are). Now other scripture passages tell us that God never leaves the throne.. the seat is never empty, it moves to different places, but he never gets off of it. So in my head I have this picture of God sitting on the throne and while he is moving around from place to place looking down on all creation, he is looking through the rainbow. In other words he sees all of us, sinner and saved through the same promise of grace ( How exciting is that! Do you have bumps now??) . My thought process went a step further to those of us adopted into the family of God. Having been "washed in the blood" ; God looks at his adopted children not only through a rainbow, but also through the blood of Christ. While the rainbow promise will give you grace.. the blood promise wipes away your sins (all of them). 
I shared this with a few people after class today and let them know if they wanted they could share it also.. what good news, what an AWESOME God!!
I partly want to put on rainbow tinted glasses so I could see those around me the way God does.. how different we would all live our lives?! I am once again left to barely grasp the infinite ocean of his love for us. In all other world religions.. you must do something to win favor, but when you have a relationship with Christ.. you have the comfort of the knowledge that there is nothing you can or could do. All that is required is that you accept his love and grace. It is humbling, yes, but it is also fulfilling. Until next time dear readers.. Be Blessed!

Nehemiah

Last night I started a new Bible study. This one is on the book of Nehemiah. We only got through the first chapter as the class is going verse by verse and discussing every aspect of it. I don't recall going to a study like this one before and I must say that I am thrilled! I really enjoy not just getting to know the Bible, but the meat behind the verses. When Bible study was over.. I was challenged. I enjoy being challenged as it encourages growth. This challenge was not for inward growth, but for outward. Outward in the sense that I need to grow more towards others. There is a big wide world out there.. many of those in it are suffering, am I praying for them? Am I doing and showing them all I can to bring glory to God? Have I asked God to give me a heart for all the hurting people, or have I become like so many others.. numb and callous to the suffering of those who surround me?
In the first few verses something happens that I didn't quite understand.. and I don't really remember anyone explaining it to me this way either. Nehemiah asked for and heard some news.. this was not new news.. it was old news.. like as old as the hills news. But he was so distraught over it that he mourned for weeks if not months (around 3 or 4). Was he being overly dramatic?? If you knowing that there is a world of hurting people all around you and never really doing anything about it, were suddenly overcome by the Holy Spirit and you felt the pain of those around you, would you not cry out in anguish and pain?? It would almost be like not being able to feel anything to being able to feel everything. I honestly think that would be a lot to take in at once. Nehemiah was given a heart for those around him.. as followers of Christ are we not to have the same heart set?
"If there is one thing as a Christ follower that you can do for those around you.. it is to become a person of prayer" pastor Z said this last night and I must say that I both agree with him and am challenged by his words. Are you? I know that my prayer life is not what it used to be.. and it is no where near what it should be. But I also know that God is gracious and loving.. all I have to do is ask him to forgive me for my short comings and do better. But that is the key.. to DO BETTER. Prayer isn't a magic lamp that will get you what ever you want, there is some work involved. Something that I do remember hearing years ago is that God will never ask you to do it all.. he will at least meet you half way. There may be some patience involved on your part, but good things come to those who wait. And lets face it if it is worth waiting for.. it is always more then good. Well.. I need to get some things started for the day.. until next time dear readers.. Be Blessed!

Spiritual Thoughts (vol.1)

I have been digging a little deeper lately. There are things I have been reading and taking notes on that are good food for thought. During my weekly Tuesday morning women's Bible study, the leader asked us to look up Rabbi Jonathan Cahn. I did and was given much food for thought. Check out this link and be sure to follow the series (there are 5 excerpts in all). It is interesting to me, how history repeats it's self. I know I know that there are some who would disagree with me on religious basis.. but I would ask you to just listen with an open mind. After all a mind is like a parachute.. it is best used when it is open. Open mindedness aside, reason things out for yourself. Ask yourself.. is this possible?

The answer to me, is yes. I will be the first to tell you that I know enough about the Bible to know that I don't know enough, and that is the truth.There are many things I am still learning. I was talking to my pastor friend Z yesterday. He said something quite profound it was this: " I am always surprised by God and how he works, and yet I shouldn't be". What I took from that is this: God is full of surprises.. we will never have him figured out, and in case we do become complacent.. no fear there is a surprise in the works! Last year I felt challenged to look into other world beliefs and religions, even the different denominations within Christianity. I am sure I just scratched the surface, if I really wanted to dive in and seek things out (differences, similarities, foundational beliefs) I am most certain I would need to spend more then just a few months or weeks on each world view and religion. I fully admit that I looked into those that I had the most contact with over the past few years and concentrated on those. I still say that I only scratched the surface. Upon looking into each one I became more firm in my belief. Which for me goes to prove that you don't really know what you believe, or stand for until someone is standing in front of you with an opposing opinion. This year I feel challenged to defend what I believe. I thought some of my readers may find my journey interesting, so I will share with you some things I find here. Let me take a moment to say that not everyone will agree with what I believe, there are probably going to be some that are offended. Trust me when I tell you that I am not meaning to offend I am just trying to share a journey with you. You may feel challenged by what I share.. and that my friend is a good thing. If you are not challenged you are not growing.
So there it is dear readers. I will label these entries "Spiritual Thoughts" so they are easy to locate or ignore.. that choice is yours. I can only share what I find, the rest is up to you.

Appology

First let me apologize to my friends. I have not been a good one. The past few months I have been drawing into myself. I haven't been calling, writing, emailing, or otherwise. It isn't because I don't care. It is more because I am dealing with some things that I don't want to burden any of you with. I wrote a blog earlier about how I was close to two women and how one of them hurt me deeply and thus caused the seeming loss of both. I am still reeling from this. I fully admit that in the past I have just moved. The Army has seen fit to send us elsewhere and we have gone. Leaving friends behind and I would have to make new ones. I am deeply sorry my dear friends. It would almost be easier if Hubby were to get orders and we leave so I would not deal with the pain I still feel. It is not easy to write and I am sure it is not easy for any of you to read, but there it is. I don't think I have ever been good at relationships. Friendships are something I need to work on. I trust too much too soon and get hurt badly. I know that I am just not sure how to replace that behavior with a healthier one. I want friendships that last, that when a few days go by it's nothing and we can just pick back up where we left off. But this doesn't happen without work.
I admit that since starting to work I have become very self absorbed.. I have thought about what goes on here in the house on the hill and that is about it. I stopped thinking of you all and depending on you for what I know I should be. Friendship. My friends you are the best. You have been there for me in the past year when I needed you the most. I am so sorry I have hermited myself away from you and all the wonderful benefits of our friendship. I wanted to as it were lick my wounds in the quiet darkness. I am struggling. I want to believe that I have forgiven this person, but all the pain I feel begs to differ.I, like so many other people don't like pain. I think I can handle a good bit. I was hurt deeply and when I am honest with myself I know that I am still reeling. Not necessarily from the intital act, but certainly from the fall out. There is much turmoil I feel inside myself. I know that some of you love me so strongly that you may lash out and that is not anything that I would desire. I also admit that I have been struggling with attending the same church.. but I will not give on that one, as my big little family benefits far more then I could suffer. Pain is temporary and makes us stronger. I know that there are things I need to deal with, and I resolve to deal with them.. a third party present of course.  I know that things have been jumbled, maybe a bit garbled. My emotions and thoughts are all over the place, I just want a place to stand and rest. 2010 was turmoil for me, I was tested and at times wasn't sure I would make it. So once again I will share a prayer with you dear readers.. please agree in prayer with me.
Dear Lord, come and fill all the empty spaces and hurting places in my heart. I know that you are the God that heals, you have never let me down and I put all my trust in you. I come to you humbly and ask that you fill me, fill me so that I am not broken. If it is your will for this all to be used for some greater good let it be so. Give me the strength I need to get through this.. I can't do it alone. Thank you for your loving kindness that upholds me so wonderfully. I give my all to you and ask that your will above all others be done. Amen.
Thank you dear readers.. until next time; be blessed.

A Song I Heard.. A Reminder For Us All

I found another one.. yes my dear readers, another tear jerking heart wrenching song that is a simple reminder of God's great and wonderful love for us. Oh that I had the talent to sing it for you, alas I fear I would be too overcome by emotion to even finish the first verse of this song.
I was driving home today after dropping Miniman off at at preschool, Bubbles was nodding off in her car seat behind me and this song comes on the radio. It immediately struck a cord and I have to stop myself from going out to get the CD it is on. It is another one of those songs that make you think. Not just a little bit, for me it makes me think deeply about how much I am giving to him.  I know that each of us have our own thought images of God.. I think I should share with you mine.
God is to me like a scientist peering down on us through his microscope. To me He is so big that I can only think of him in this way. We here on earth are like a single cell organism. We each have our own parts to play within the cell otherwise the cell it's self would not work. However we are guided by the nucleus in this case it would be the Holy Spirit. You see God can use anyone and anything to bring about His will and purpose, His hand is in everything and holds everything at the same time. As not only a biologist He is also a Physician, Mathematician and so very much more. Think of a medical or scientific  term and guess what He has already been there, and done that. There is nothing He hasn't done or will do. When you have a problem or are going through a difficult time he waits with anticipation for you to call on him and when you do, his heart rejoices. Think of it this way: If you are a parent and have a child who is struggling with homework and you know that you can help them understand it, you wait until they ask you for help. If you force yourself on the situation they might reject not only the subject but also your help. To me God is similar. He will never force himself on anyone and waits patiently for us to realize that we need help. As soon as we ask, even before the words are removed from our lips he is there. How great is he, how wonderful and mighty!! Oh, dear readers I hope you are excited.. I get excited just thinking about how wonderful God is, feel so humbly that my wonderful creator thinks so much of me that he looks down on me with love. Oh, how he loves each of us!! I know that this entry is just scraping the surface of many conversations.. I would love to share some with you. Just think of how wonderful and gracious Our Heavenly Father is!! Well, I must be off to pick up children. Be blessed dear readers and remember you are never alone.. he is always with you!!

Letter of Resignation??

Dear house~ I have given up on keeping you clean. Every time I try to clean you one of my mess makers do their job. The laundry gets piled to precarious heights whether it is clean or dirty so that said mess makers can play in them. Toys~ I really wish you would keep out from under my feet, as you either hurt said feet or throw my back out. Dishes~ since my electronic washer broke and I have since had to switch to manual cleaning, you may or may not be in bigger stacks depending on the day. Bathrooms~ previous occupants caused one of you to reek in the worst way, only ripping you out would help.With the other two.. lets just say I wish you were self-cleaning. Kitchen~ I wish you were a little more cook friendly. An island would be nice, just saying. Floors~ oh that you were not all laminate.. I sweep, sweep, sweep to no avail. The dust bunnies only scamper away taunting me with their eyeless faces. I resign.. no more for me. I want to be done. Not just for today, for a long time.  Sincerely, This Housewife 

I like many other housewives, I am sure, grow tired of cleaning. It never seems like it stays done, wait.. if I clean it all before I go to bed then it will stay clean over night. Just how exactly do you do it all?? I am baffled. Between my part-time job, the kids, Hubby working all the time and the various activities we have involved ourselves in. I really do wish the house would clean it's self.  There is a line in a song from Le Miserables it translates something like this : "At the end of the day your another day older, and that's all you can say for the life of the poor. It's a struggle it's a war and there is nothing that any one's giving one more day standing about what is it for". Well if I could take some artistic license ( which I will) I would say the housewife song would start something like this ( in the same tune and key of course): " At the end of the day your another day older, and that's all you can say for the life of a Mom, it's a struggle it's a war and there is nothing that any one's giving, one more day holding it all together what is it for?" . Some of you may or may not find the humor in my little spunky tune.  With carpel tunnel setting into both my hands, tendinitis joining along for the ride and the all around sense that my body though not looking it's age is slowly falling apart. My eyes have been going for years and now my hair is starting to come out in gobs as I rinse it in the shower. I think I am starting to feel my age. My temperament has also changed a bit. Where I could be patient for a while.. now I am finding myself saying that " I just can't do it today".
I must admit that I started reading a book called The Way Of The Master it is quite good and I agree with the author on many points already and I am only at the start of the sixth chapter. I am also doing a few Bible studies. Momology, Revelations and my daily readings are keeping me involved. There is at times a feeling of being overwhelmed. The kids are going more then a little crazy, the house is a wreck ( no matter how many times I go after them cleaning it up) and I grow weary. In the movie Robots the father figure is putting himself back together with ductape because he can't find replacement parts. I am not saying that ductape is holding me together. But I am saying that it is something stronger then I am on my own. I gave some advice to a soon to be mom the other day it was this: " You will have good day's and bad, there will be times you question your sanity and God would entrust you with someone you feel so ill equipped to care for. But take heart, he knew what he was doing and there is no better Momma for your child then you." I have to remind myself of that sometimes. Someday's it is multiple times during that day. My kids make me insanely happy. At times it is only the latter part but over all happy. The house can wait. The phone can ring, the laundry will maybe one day care for it's self. I want to enjoy them now. It is a limited time offer this childhood, take advantage of it while you can! Until next time dear readers.. be Blessed.

Goosie

This morning was very exciting. Hubby was nervous, Goose has been talking for a week and literally counting down the days.. and this morning she was baptised. Like the lame mushy Momma I can be.. I forgot to press record. So long story short.. no video post. But I will try my hardest to describe the event all all that lead up to it.
About two weeks ago we were on our way to church, Hubby and I were discussing our daily reading passage which covered when John the Baptist baptised Jesus. From the back of the big black truck we hear Goosie's voice say " Mommy, Daddy I want to get baptised". Quizzical looks passed between Hubby and I, then Hubby said that he thought it would be a good idea for her to talk to the Children's Ministry leader Mr. B . So while at the church the next day after dropping of Miniman to his preschool I went to the church office and asked to speak to Mr B; upon meeting with Mr B I shared with him Goosie's request and set up a time for Goosie to come and answer some questions to see if she understood what baptism meant. The meeting would be in a few days.  Goosie was excited and couldn't wait for the meeting with Mr B. So on the appointed day I ushered Goosie into a conferance room, and proceeded just to listen. Goosie is very bright indeed and after it was all over Mr B said that he was confidant that Goosie knows what she is asking for and that now we just needed to set up a time/day when to do it. After service the next Sunday, Hubby surprised me. We were sharing with Pastor Z what all was happening when Z looked at Hubby and asked if Hubby would like to baptise Goosie. As many of you know.. I cried.
The date was set for today, during the second service at our local church. Goosie bubbled with excitement and understandably had many questions the night before. I explained to her that when you are baptised you are re-born into God's family. That before you accept Christ as your Savior and are baptised you are not a part of God's family. But that since you can't go back into Mommy's belly, Jesus told us a way to show everyone that we are being re-born into the family of God and that he is adopting us as his child. Goosie understands birth and adoption because we had covered these subjects before. Hubby and I also presented Goosie with a new Bible. An Adventure Bible, she is already reading it and enjoys telling us what it says. I digress.. back to this morning. The sanctuary is quite full and there are only a few seats if you ask people to scoot in a little closer (lol). I am at the front, camera charged and in hand. The choir has finished their last selection and the lights are dimming. Hubby steps into the baptismal pool, which has been lit up, with Goosie in his arms. He then says something like this: Today I am gong to baptise my daughter Goosie. Goosie means a lot to us and after accepting Christ in her heart she now wants to be baptised. Hubby then turns to Goosie (who now upon seeing all the congregation is shy) and asks her to repeat after him; her declaration of faith. I can't remember all of it and Goosie was hard to hear as at first we in the congregate could see her lips move and then not much of anything as she was repeating everything into Hubby's arm pit. Hubby then tells Goosie to hold her nose, and as he starts to dunk her.. the congregate chuckles a little as her arms are flailing just a bit. Goosie comes up out of the water, there is a big grin on her face..Hubby is teary eyed as am I. Hubby then carries her out of the baptismal pool as the congregate is still applauding.
Goosie still can't stop talking about it, and Hubby mentioned on the way home that he couldn't understand why other's in the congregate were tearing up. So I tried to explain it all to him. There are many things that people see in a church. One of the more powerfully charged emotional ones is when a Father carries his role with dignity and pride, then takes a further step towards spiritually leading his family, by public affirmation of  his children's faith and supporting them in their decision.
There has been much that has been happening to my big little family as we live in the house on the hill. I would have to start a whole other entry. This is just a peek at all the good things that have been happening. Some would say it is about time for us and others would say (with warning) don't put that armor away just yet. While the blessings flow there will be a time of trial still to come. Thank you Lord that you see my big little family, and that you carry us through so much. Well dear readers, as I wipe yet more tears streaming from my eyes.. I will close this entry and wish you all Blessings.

Wake Me Up Inside..

I have heard this song many times on the radio, in video's paying tribute to our men and women in the armed forces, and in movies. When I heard it on the radio I thought.. hmm cool song. When I heard it in the different tribute video's I cried, thinking of all our military members who are giving so much so others can have more. When I heard it in movie's I thought.. interesting take on it. This morning I heard it again. And by the end of it I was broken.  There we were sitting in our usual places, the song leaders for the youth service had graced us with their presence and as a whole, I don't think anyone was left wanting. In the youth service it is more of a jam session then the contemporary/traditional songs we adults usually sing. I have thoroughly enjoyed it in the past when the youth leaders are up. All of this aside; I once again felt humbled, challenged and encouraged all before my Bible was opened.
You see the song leader was speaking to us as a congregation but I knew that I had just shown up at a divine appointment. He spoke about how easy it is for us as a culture to put on a happy face, try to let every one think that everything is A-OK in our little corner of existence. When the truth of the matter is that we all struggle; we all have pain; we all need someone to not only encourage us, but to be an encouragement to. Some of the words to the song were changed, and therefore the meaning as a whole was changed. Instead of the song above asking some one to give them a wake-up call,it changed to us not only as sinners saved by grace but also to those who have yet to accept that grace asking our Abba Father to wake us up. Not only to to people we should be, but to the relationship we should have with him. There are so many things each of us deal with on a daily minutely basis that we allow ourselves to become sleepy and dull. Wafting through our day to day activities just trying to get by without really processing any of it. Because it is too much to handle at the time, stress levels are at a high, or sanity is making it's mad escape.
What if we slowed things down? What if we really looked at people, beyond the surface and saw the load they were weighted under? Would we as believer's in Christ actually be Christ like? Would we be able to look beyond the sin and see the need? It is a challenge, one that I admit I fall short of. When I do fall short I am so thankful that His grace is sufficient, He is jealous for me and loves me so greatly I cannot begin to fathom it.
So here is the thought I leave you with dear readers. If you let the mask fall and allowed God to work through your needs, would not your testimony be all the more beautiful? He is there waiting for you to allow Him into all the secret places. God is the kindest gentleman and will never force himself on anyone, but if you will open your heart to him. Even those places that are buried so deep you can barely remember them.. I can promise better yet I can guarantee that His feel better kisses are the absolute best. There is no hurt he can't heal, there is no trial he can't help you through. His love is all encompassing, there is no relationship you could have that He could not fulfill. Do I love Him? Severely. Could I ever love Him as much as He loves me? Never.. because he loved me before I was even a twinkle in my parents eye. Before I was even born, He took my sin's that he knew I would commit on Himself, and died a sacrificial death of offering so that the relational gap that was created when sin entered the world would be mended. So that I and anyone else who chooses to accept Jesus Christ as their savior could have a relationship with our creator.  Be Blessed dear readers, be blessed.

Make your life a joyful one...

God loves the lullaby in a mothers tear's in the dead of night, 

better than a hallelujah sometimes.

God loves the drunkards cry, the soldiers plea not to let him die,

 better than a hallelujah sometimes.*

(*)We pour out our miseries God just hears a melody

beautiful mess we are, the honest cries of breaking hearts

are better than a hallelujah

The woman holding on for life, the dieing man giving up the fight
are better than a hallelujah sometimes.
Tears of shame for what's been done, the silence when the words
won't come are better than a hallelujah sometimes*


Better than a church bell ringing, better than a choir singing out, singing out*

Amy Grant sings this song and I must admit that the first time I heard it I was driving. I had to pull over, I was so overcome with emotion. I can connect with almost all of the lines in the song. You could say she was singing my testimony. So I will share it with you.. line by wonderful line.

God loves the lullaby in a mother's tears in the dead of night.~  I have suffered from postpartum depression and remember holding my children many times (even now) asking God to help me.

God loves the drunkards cry, the soldiers plea not to let him die~ There was a time I was looking for love in all the wrong places. While I don't think I got entirely drunk, I did my share of drinking. ~ I have been praying for Hubby since almost the day he joined the ARMY. I didn't know him, I just knew I wanted to pray for him. Since Hubby and I have been together he and I have both come to a better relationship with the Lord.

The woman holding on for life, the dieing man giving up the fight~ At the age of 12 I suffered a severe migraine headache. The right side of my brain swelled to 1/2 it's normal size, my left lung collapsed. The doctors gave me less then a 10% chance of living through the night. The best outcome they had for me was a vegitiative state with no chance at a normal life. ~ Just recently my Gampa passed away. I am now one of the many walking around with no surviving grandparents. 

Tears of shame for what's been done, the silence when the words won't come~ There have been things over the years I have been ashamed of. Weather it was my actions, words or any other number of things. But it was the conviction within me that caused me shame. ~ And yes, believe it or not there are times when the words can't be found. When I am left feeling so blessed or so broken that words would not begin to describe any of it. The only thing in those moments that escapes me is " Lord." 

Better than a church bell ringing, better than a choir singing out~ While I have never so much as even played the bells in church, I do appreciate their solemn joyful sound. ~ I do enjoy singing if it's in the choir or by myself. I enjoy singing and lifting my voice to my Heavenly Father, sometimes it doesn't sound that wonderful to anyone else I am sure, but he said to make a joyful noise.. it doesn't have to be in key.

So there it is. My overwhelming emotion with this beautiful terrible song. Beautiful because it can speak to so many people in so many different ways, terrible because it can cut you to the quick in the simplest and nicest of ways all the while giving you the answer to relieve you of your suffering. If you didn't catch it, read the chorus again. 

We pour out our miseries, God just hears a melody. Beautiful mess we are, honest cries of breaking hearts. Are better than a hallelujah.

You see God wants us to turn to him for everything. He doesn't want to be our last resort, he wants to be our first call. He wants to respond to us in our most desperate times, and he will respond in such a way that we will not be left bereft of anything. There is nothing that God can't handle. If you think that there is, you have put him in a box and are the one limiting him. God will never limit you. He will never leave you, he will never have anything but the best for you. There will be times you will go through what seems like the midst of fire, but it will be worth it. God has a master plan for each of our lives, the only thing he asks of us is the hardest thing for us as human's to do.. let it go.  When you do let it go, it is better than a hallelujah, so make your life one of rejoicing.

School, Church, and Passing On

School is back in session for Goosie. She has been counting down the days for weeks! Miniman keeps asking when he will go, and Bubbles is having fun playing with all the toys in the house she can get her hands on. Hubby is off to work before Goosie is one the bus, and for the most part ( at least yesterday and today) my plans are to clean the house to an acceptable level so that it stays basically clean. Sure in the summer there is a basic level of clean, but it is lower then the level of clean during the school year. My friend HW and I were discussing this the other day. During the school year there is structure and a higher level of clean all around. The kids for the most part are so mentally exhausted by the time they get home it's not hard to settle down for the night. During the summer it's different. For the most part ( in her house and mine) there isn't any structure and the kids are all about fun and mayhem.  Isn't that what summer is supposed to be about?? Budgeting gets a little tighter in the summer and stress levels run a bit higher. But it's fun to have the kids home.. at least until you grow weary of it!
   Hubby and I are going to be staying here longer then we thought. There was an opportunity to go to PA with his job, but he has decided to retire at the twenty year mark, instead of the twenty four year mark.  So we will likely be here on the hill for another few years, or until the owners return, whichever comes first. I must admit that it will be nice not to move every eighteen to twenty two months! It gets tiring, to have to dig in to each new place and adjust the whole family is becoming more challenging. It will be nice to just stay a while. That being said we have decided to become members of our local church. We have been attending for two years and have plugged  in to the various ways to serve there. It is refreshing. Membership is a big deal to me. I don't really feel that there is an expressent need to be a member of a church so long as you are a member of the body of Christ. In the two years we have been attending there has never been any pressure to become a member. And that in it's self is refreshing. I must also admit that it has been a blessing to me to be encouraged by so many in the church. Everywhere we have lived there has been a place we as a family has felt accepted and loved. Out current church home is no different. It is a big step for us, and one I am happy to take along with Hubby.
The current drive-in season is quickly coming to a close. I will once again be looking for part time evening work. To get me out of the house and to help a little. It is nice to get out there and get to know others outside of the white picket fence. A new set of neighbors have moved in next door. Honestly two have, but we have more in common with one set then we do the others. I finally was able to meet them at the bus stop yesterday morning. As first impressions go, they give a nice one and I am looking forward to the friendship that will hopefully bloom.
Nine years ago yesterday my Gamma, went to a place of no suffering or pain. Sunday night Gampa joined her. I can't begin to imagine how my Mom, Aunts and Uncles are feeling right now. Gampa will be traveling back to Gamma's resting place and there will be buried next to her. I am now one of the many who have no surviving grandparents. I am thankful I was able to meet mine. Gamma taught me to watercolor paint, and when I feel the need to do more then just stand up for myself.. I have a feeling that is Gampa.  When those we love cross over I don't believe they are ever really gone. They are just a thought away, you can close your eyes and they are right there. My heavenly Father is like that in many ways. He is only one prayer away.. mostly he is closer.. only a thought.
Well dear reader's I have a mountain of housework to get done today and I hope you are all blessed, until next time.

Oh the things that have been runnung through my head..

I grew up in the Bible belt of the South and was around many of what some would call Radicals. I was raised in a Christian home, and even though I strayed during my teenage and early twenties.. I eventually returned to my Faith. I was however changed. I came to understand that for me there is no religion.
Let me be frank. I don't believe God created us for a religious experience, but rather a relational one. Even in the book of Genesis God came down and walked, talked and visited with Adam and Eve. It was after the fall that there was a separation of that relationship and God in his infinite wisdom made a way through his son Jesus for relationship to once again resume.
I have had the enjoyment of talking with some Atheists lately. I must say that it seems that their faith is stronger then others. To me for someone to believe that order can come from chaos with randomness thrown in the mix, takes a lot more belief in the unseen then my conviction of God (intelligent and all powerful) creating the world out of Divine purpose. I have argued the point of Christianity and have been told twice that I am a rational Christian.
This took me by surprise. I see myself as a rational person, I try very hard to look at a situation from every angle before making a decision or giving advise. It is hard for me to stand back and watch an injustice happen. It is also hard for me to stand aside while others are misinformed. I fully admit that I have been doing my own research on different religions. I want to understand what others believe, and come to some understanding of their convictions. The more I look into other faiths the more I am convicted in the truth of my own. I was given advise years ago and I still follow it today : " The mind is like a parachute, it is more useful when it is open", along with that I would add that if you are in a christian congregate, make sure the teaching lines up with the BIBLE. There is nothing wrong with research, it is up to each individual to build their relationship with the Creator. I believe that there will be a day of judgement, on that day each person will be held accountable for themselves. There are those who would say that they didn't know. I would argue that in today's information outlet.. how could they not?? It is up to the individual to build a relationship. It is not up to a pastor, song leader or any other Church officiant as to whether or not an individual seeks the Lord with all their hearts. It is up to the individual, the church officiants are there to lead and guide the flock. And yes, they will be held accountable for their teachings and how they lead those whom they were in trusted with. But it is up to the individual to build a relationship, God is a relational God and desires a relationship with his creation. If we who are made in his image fail to recognize God.. the rest of creation will.
I would also argue that if each of us is given a text book at the beginning of the year and at the end of the year we are tested on what we know... it is not the teachers fault if you didn't do your studies (think online college) the pass or fail lies solely on you. I try hard to take what I read in the Bible and live accordingly, I also admit that I am human and sin (miss the mark). God's grace is such that it covers my sin and makes me whole and blameless in his sight. There are many times I have heard that individuals are turned away from church by the very people who are inviting them. One of my favorite texts is Galatians 6:1 If any of you sees your brother who has fallen in sin, come along side him and help him out of it, but be on your guard least you also fall into sin. I paraphrased of course.. basically to me it says that when we see a sinner instead of judging them, we should help them and lead them to the truth of salvation, while being on guard so that we do not our selves fall into sin. Here is a challenge: have you looked down on someone because they were different then you, had a life experience you haven't, or choose a life style you don't agree with? God says to love the sinner but hate the sin. It is easier said then done at times.. especially when you let prejudice get in the way.
Yes there are many life styles that run ramped in the world today.. homosexuality is one of them. Does God love them, yes I believe he does. But he hates what they are doing. Does that mean that I should not have friends who choose that lifestyle? I would argue that I should have friends who have that lifestyle, not because I agree with it. But because how else can they see that God loves and accepts them no matter what if we as Christians don't first? Aren't we supposed to live his example?? I am in no way saying that we should leave our christian brothers and sisters behind. Rather we should come together with them in encouragement so that we are then empowered to go out into the world and show the lost the love and forgiveness of Christ.
I know that for some of you dear readers all of this is a little heavy for a Sunday night.. but all of this has honestly been marinating for some time and it was bound to come out sooner or later. There is more, but alas.. it is getting late and I need a good nights rest. Be blessed dear readers! I welcome any comments or thoughts you have!

Guard Your Heart (Poem written 1999)

A love lost is better then a lust gained. A broken heart can heal with time but a broken spirit can crumble a person, so Guard your Heart.

Hold yourself in high regard, If you belittle yourself others will too, so

Guard your Mind.

If a person truly respects you hands off should never be an issue, so

Guard your Body.

If you feel uncomfortable in a situation or you see something happening

that doesn't seem quite right, stand up for yourself

step up for others, Guard your Reputation.

If ever there is a doubtful question about someone, don't get too attached,

Guard your Emotions.

Some people are only out for themselves, don't be their doormat,

Guard Yourself.

If in the pits of your stomach you doubt, get out,

Guard your Spirit.

Walls can be rebuilt,

Cities left in ruins can be renewed.

The heart of a nation can be attacked,

it can crumble like bread and still not be swayed.

A Nation can guard it's heart.. why can't you?

Dancing in the Rain..

When the rain in life happens you can do one of two things: dance in it or get an umbrella. When you dance in it you realize that this too shall pass and that you are not walking but being carried. When you use an umbrella you deny the rain is even there. Earlier this week I posted this as a blurb on my facebook status. There has been much that has happened this week and I must say that dancing shoes were required but barefoot is more fun!!


Growing up in the south there were warm summer rains. My sisters C, V and I would don our bathing suits and go out running in it. We would also ride our bikes, climb trees and any other wet mischief we could achieve. Living in the north there are few if any of those warm summer rains. But when it does rain either figuratively or in reality, I am thankful I learned to enjoy the rain growing up.


This past week Hubby had back surgery. He did some crazy stuff before we ever met and had been living in constant pain for the past 10 years. On the pain scale it was between a 8 and 10. Since the surgery on Friday he has been at about a .5 on the pain scale. Needless to say we are very thankful!! This past week has also had it's hurdles. On Monday I lost control of the Big Black Truck and almost rolled it on my way home from a Dr's appointment. Bubbles was with me. I know that God was watching over us. Nothing happened!! Control was regained, no other vehicles on the road were hit, there were no scratches on the truck and other then being shaken.. I was okay. On Wednesday the kids were playing outside while I was cleaning the garage and Bubbles decided to try out Miniman's push motor-cycle. She lost control down the driveway and now has a huge scab on her head right below her hair line on the right side. I am convinced, she would have needed a skin graft if I had taken her to the ER. But I made sure the wound was clean, I put ointment on it and a bandage for the first little bit and then took it off later so the wound could breathe. Also on Wednesday we found out that our insurance didn't have all the paperwork and not only that but there was a chance they wouldn't cover the first operation. So there was a little bit there when Hubby told me to cancel everything that had been lined up.. the babysitters, meals others planned to bring over, etc. and tell everyone just not to bother. I could see how discouraged he was and after getting him and the kids squared away for dinner went upstairs and shut myself in my closet (yes literally). I once again gave the entire situation over to God and asked for his peace and also that he would be with Hubby. To calm his heart and spirit. Thursday Hubby went into work early and tried to get everything taken care of to the best of his ability.. the rest was up to the insurance company and God. I had contacted a few close friends in the area and my parents and asked them to pray again for the situation. Around 10 Thursday morning.. I felt something had changed. I called the insurance, they couldn't tell me anything except a decision had been reached. I then called Hubby, who called the insurance and got the rest. Even without the final paperwork, the procedure was approved!! I cried with relief and praised the Lord for his provision. Thursday night HB came over and spent the night so Hubby and I could get to the hospital at zero dark thirty.. okay it really wasn't that early, it was more like 7:00! Friday we left the house and arrived at the hospital.. throughout the week I had been listening to one of my favorite CD's (Third Day ~ Offerings). Hubby and I sang the entire way there. I tried to hide my tears a few times as I heard Hubby's clear baritone voice ring out with " Please take from me my life, when I don't have the strength, to give it away to you..". I was reminded once again that we do not live for ourselves, but for Christ who lives through us.

It is now almost a week post operation. Hubby is sore and wonders when it will stop feeling like someone stabbed him in the back. I still have to help him put on his socks and do other things as he cannot bend over or stretch. We are both hopeful that he will attend service this Sunday. Bubbles birthday was this past Sunday. She turned two. It hit me that none of the children will remember Daddy in pain. They are all so young that if they do remember it.. it will be a slight memory at most. Hubby is looking forward to playing softball next year, and so much more. He was active before I met him.. and who knows maybe on that trip we take to Hawaii he will teach me how to surf!!

If the past few weeks have taught me anything, it is that when it rains.. your cup will overflow. Who am I Lord that you would be so mindful of me and think of my little big family so intently, and bless us so richly. Thank you for sending your Son who made a way for the unworthy to become sons and daughters of God. It is the best family to be in!!

Oh and just another update.. I finished my Pharmacy Technician Course!! I only have to take the state exam when I find a job. And I passed with a B!!! For those of you who know my track record in school.. that is above my average!! Be blessed dear readers, until next time.. may the Lord hold you in the palm of his hand and in your weakness may you lean on his strength.