A Gentle Calling

     Back in January I started using the Amazon Music application on my phone; so that I could listen to music that I could be encouraged by as I went throughout my workday. For about 6 weeks without fail one song would come on and set the tone for my day. It did not seem to matter what time I started the music, the same song would come on. Quite simply I needed it to prepare me. I just had not realized it yet. You will find the song below and I hope Dear Readers that you will be blessed:

     I recently had the great pleasure of attending a women's conference. I can honestly say that I wondered why it took me so long to go to one. I can't remember the last time I attended a christian women's conference. At the end I was challenged, encouraged and humbled. It was a wonderful weekend. The Monday after the conference I was back at work and another song started being the first one. In all honesty I did not like the song. I didn't think that it really applied to me. It spoke of such an honest and simple intimacy I didn't know what to make of it. I would skip over it and wait for the next song to start or just switch music players. Boy, was I hard headed. It has taken me a bit but I heard the song again today. This time I didn't turn the dial (or app). I listened, and in my listening I struggled. There was imagery there I couldn't grasp. When I thought about the words to the chorus, all I could think about was Hubby. The security and acceptance I feel in his embrace. I was still uncomfortable with the song, but I listened. Earlier this evening I shared my feelings with an insightful woman. She challenged me to tell Heavenly Father about my confusion and to ask him for clarity. So on my way home, I did. Sure enough the song came on again:

Instead thinking of my wonderful Hubby. I had memories flood my minds eye. Of Goosie being so enthralled  with her Daddy that she didn't want to be without him. If he was reading a book, she was in his lap asking about the words. If he had a drink and she was given a sip of it; oh it was wonderful. Each of the children have craved time with both Hubby and I. These moments, that I can't always remember came pouring in. I could see Miniman dressing like his Daddy, wanting to have child size things of Daddy's. I saw Bubbles quieting and resting her blonde head on her Daddy's chest, just to listen to his heart and hear him breathe. That was so calming to her. During all of this I cried. I cried tears of thankfulness, tears of regret. There is so very much that I do not remember. When Goosie was just a tiny thing, I was envious of her. I grew out of that. So in the midst of my brokenness another song came on the radio and all I could do was worship. 

So there it is Dear Readers, This is where I am. While I can't be sure of anything, one thing I can count on is that I have a Good Good Father  and he loves me. I am called to a Deeper Relationship with him. His love is overwhelming and am in awe that He never gets tired of me, He doesn't loose interest in me and he will always be there. Truly Heavenly Father, who am I that you would love me so? Good night Dear Readers, be blessed. 

Five Reflections

     It is Sunday night and I am late in both of my posts. I have decided to start with this one and will post the Bible Reading next (maybe tomorrow). Oh, how short but wide life is. Days can escape from your memory with the business of life. So bear with me Dear Reader and I pray that in the end you will be encouraged and hopefully challenged.

     One: I have my own office at work. I am responsible for so much now. I guess those that have the authority at work have seen something in my ethic or diligence that they wanted to reward with more responsibility. I am grateful, humbled and a bit overwhelmed.  There is much work to do and I will do my best. One of my coworkers asked me how I felt about the new position; since it means that I will be held accountable for much and more in the office, including a new manager to report to. My response was simply :" I don't work for J, for T or for C. I don't even work for the county (although they send me a check); I work for the Lord. In the end it is Him I will answer to and not anyone else. So they can put me in whatever job they want. I will not change any part of how I work. Because it is not for them, it is not for a paycheck (although those are nice), I work for the Lord. Colossians 3:17 states: "And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father though him." ESV Crossway 2011 edition. In that alone I find assurance and job security.

     Two: I have been challenged to be still. I recently had the privilege of hearing a story. It is not my story, but I was blessed by it and hope that I remember enough of it to share with you.

Growing up my dad who was a private man, would sit in his recliner in the living room, reading a book or the newspaper.

As I would finish my chores on the way up to my room I would hear him tapping on the side of his chair.

His tapping would call to me though out my childhood and when I was younger I eagerly answered. Dad would sit and talk to me, at times just listen. As if all the things in my day and on my mind were the most important things to him. 

As I got older in my teenage years I found excuses to not respond to the quiet tapping. 

Although I did not respond, Dad was consistent. There was never a time I passed by him sitting in that chair that I did not hear his quiet call. 

Time passed and I got married and moved away. 

Then I received a call from Mom, Dad was sick and they were sure he would not last very long. 

My husband and I drove up to see them. We stayed a while talking and catching up on things. Then as we were about to leave, I heard Dad tapping. 

I looked at my husband and said: " I need to be here a little longer"

I turned and climbed up on the bed with Dad and just sat there with him. We held each other and spoke softly. After sometime, my husband and I left. 

Very early the next day Mom called. Dad passed. My heart was heavy, but I was thankful that I answered his quiet call one last time. 

There have been times since then, that I have looked back with regret on all those times Dad called me, yet I did not answer.

As a parent I believe I am called to work myself out of a job. To be a stepping stone for my children. I don't want them to be like me I want them to be better. When I heard the story above I was challenged. Do I quietly call my children to come so I can listen? When they do want to share with me, do I stop and give them all my attention so that they can see their value reflected in my treatment of them? Do my children know that I value them, I cherish them and how very very much they are loved? I have been challenged to be still, not just for myself, and for my children. But to be still before Heavenly Father. To sit at his feet and listen, to read his word and learn. If I am not still, then I am too busy, too distracted and overwhelmed. If I am still I will find peace, joy, hope, patience and I will be able to love others better. I challenge you as well, to be still.

     Three: Really, I am only on 3?? Haha! Well, My three blessings. How much and how fast they are growing. All three are excelling in school and I am so very excited to see where they will go in life. Goosie is really into manga and comics. So I picked her up a new Bible . She decided to take it to school with her and now I almost don't see her without it. I asked her why she liked it, to which she replied: " I don't loose my place and I really enjoy reading it." SCORE for mom!! Miniman has decided that he wants to be an Eagle Scout. I know that he can do it. He has such drive and determination. I am so proud of him! Bittybit, well she is my bittybit! Sometimes I can finish her sentences before she does. I am praying hard for her, she is more like me then I want to admit. But oh the joy she brings. 

     Four: This week is Spring Break for my College boyfriend (Hubby)! I am looking forward to a few lunch dates this week and am hopeful that he will be able to get ahead on his assignments as well as relax. Hubby's midterms were last week and the worst grade he received was a B+. What a change his life has taken. I am so honored and privileged to share this life with him. I am so excited to see where Heavenly Father is going to take him!

     Five:  Just some encouragement for you:

" For I am persuaded, that neither death nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39 KJV Reference Bible Zondervan 1964 edition.

Until next time Dear Readers : " May the Lord Bless you and keep you. May His face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace"  Numbers 6:24-26 ESV crossway 2011 edition.

5 Quick Takes

Five things. Five things I can take away from this week and learn from. Reflection, that is something I need to do more of. So much happens so fast that it is hard to keep up. I thought about writing down the overwhelming emotions when they happen, so that I could process them later. But that is a lot of work. So, instead I will start with five things. Five things that have happened this week.

     One:  Sometimes it is hard to stay awake past nine o'clock.I have to face it that those long nights are over..but the early mornings are not. I started a new position at work and with it came new hours. So it is now an eight to four-thirty day instead of the eight-thirty to five. That half hour in the morning is noticeable, let me tell you! Now its up and at it starting at 6 instead of 630! I have three kids to get off to school and then traffic to pray though before eight am!! After an almost eight hour day on the job, it is home for a quick dinner and then whatever plans we have for the night. I get tired.

Yep, that about sums it up.

     Two: Hubby. Last month Hubby started going back to college. He is a full time student and I am very proud of him. He is close to the end of the first semester and has a B+ average. I would say that is not bad for someone who hasn't been to school since before he was twenty. There are challenges when it comes to being a college student, One of which is the course work, the other for Hubby is the responsibilities at home. I am confident however that Hubby will do more than succeed, he will triumph!

     Three: Oh the three little ones that run around the house. There is so much life in them. Goosie is a talented singer and is learning to play the clarinet. Miniman is in Boy Scouts and is learning so much. He is quite the responsible young man! Bittybit is well, my Bittybit. She expresses herself quite well and can be over dramatic. Over all they keep Hubby and I going. 

     Four: There is oh so much to do and so little time to do it all. When I started working full time there are things that have slipped to the side. I want to keep up with the meal planning, exciting not planned outings and all the energy to keep the house looking like we don't live there. The honest truth is that we do live here, in this beautiful house. There are meals made in the kitchen, movies watched in the living room, instruments practiced in the piano room and children thriving in their rooms.  I would like to thing that if a house could tell a story about what it's occupants are like; ours would claim not to be a house, but a home.

     Five: Last year my brother-in-law D started a church plant. Since then it has been our church home. Hubby and I have grown a good bit while attending, and the children have as well. Each week I feel challenged and encouraged on the way home. Through out the week with the bible studies we attend and the various  relationships we have made with others; I feel like we are each in a place of belonging. I am blessed to be a part of this young and growing church. I do feel the call to do more, and one day when it is time I hope to do the things that have been laid on my heart to do. Until then I will keep trusting and waiting, looking at what I can learn from each experience and lean on Heavenly Father for it all.

    Well, that is it for me dear Readers. It is past my bed time, I hope you are all able to find peace and rest as you end the day. I pray that tomorrow you will be greeted with a reminder of how much you are loved. 

Love and Marriage

         Marriage has been on my heart lately. Not just because I am married.. more because there is so much that I don't understand but fully appreciate about it. Hubby and I have been together for 13 years. Most days it seems just like yesterday, other times it seems like I have known him all my life. 
There have been ups and there have been downs. Sometimes the ups out number the downs, other times the downs seem overwhelming. In the military I have seen many relationships. Some have been more grounded then others. While I have admired the relationships of others, I am ever grateful for mine. I wanted to write a little about that, and hope that you will bare with me,

          Hubby and I have a wonderful working relationship. Last year he and I celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary. My wonderful sister N sent us an anniversary card:

Love is not for sisses. Love is not all music and moonlight and romance.

Love, real love takes work. it takes patience and courage and commitment.

real love- the kind that makes two people make as promise as big as " I DO"-

isn't easy. but if anything in life is worth the effort, it's Real Love. 

and if anyone deserves that kind of LOVE it's the two of you.

I was brought to tears. My sisters have had an almost front row seat to my marriage. There is much and more they don't know. We have had our trials and difficult situations. Through it all Hubby and I have been openly honest with each other. Hubby is my best friend and we tell each other almost everything. Almost, because there are somethings we choose to keep private. 

     I had many insecurities in the beginning. There was so much baggage that I brought into this relationship with because of my past. I remember the anxiety and the fear I had. That I would not measure up to some imagined vision of what a wife really was.  I admired the wives portrayed in the 50's. These surly were women that had it all together. I held myself to that standard for sometime. Hubby would come home from work and I would have dinner waiting. In the beginning the house would be clean, and once he came home there was nothing he had to do but relax. Then the children came, and the housework took a back seat to being a parent. I regretted the digression from having a neat and orderly house, to one of chaos and clutter. Then Hubby would remind me that he likes the home we have, and doesn't miss the house we used to.

     

        I say all of this because so much of it ties into our marriage. Marriage is so much more than rainbows and butterflies. It is hard work that unless you have a great partner, it is tough to stay afloat. I can honestly say that Hubby loves me as Christ loves the Church. I know that he would do anything for me including laying down his life. Hubby has a chronic pain condition and it seeps into every part of our relationship. The simple overwhelming fact that he gets up everyday and makes an intentional effort to be a part of our families lives is amazing to me. Hubby doesn't give into the pain or the other baggage that threatens to take him away from us. He fights with every moment to be here, in the present. 

          This last year form 12 to 13 has been a difficult one. Years ago when Hubby had open spinal surgery I leaned on Heavenly Father just to breathe, I thought that I was close. But as life and little things do it got in the way and I drifted. Heavenly Father still watched and guided me, in all honesty I drifted away. Towards the end of the year things got rough. I could see how our relationship had deteriorated and that our children were suffering. Hubby went into the hospital as a last ditch effort to save his life and our marriage. Then I got a call. It was horrific. The nurse told me that Hubby almost died. I felt a black hole open up in my chest,  everything I had ever dreamed was getting sucked in and I was bereft. I have never felt so alone. I went to see an artist friend of mine S. I wanted a new tattoo. Something to remind me that this fight for Hubby's life is not over, that although I married Hubby, he does not belong to me, I asked my friend: " What do I do now?" S just looked at me and said " You go home and be the best Mom you can be for your kids, Don't worry about him, He is going to get the help he needs" . So I went home, On the way I called my brother in law D. I asked him to pray and I asked for his advise. D told me that I had to give all of Hubby to God. Every part of our marriage. All of the emotions and memories, all the hopes and dreams of the future and I would have to do so repeatedly. In angry bitter tears I thanked him and hung up. The drive home was difficult; I screamed, I cried, I begged. I prayed. I found peace; then came joy. It was still going to be hard, but I was confidant that  heavenly Father was going to see me through. When I got home I had the strength to do the best I could for the kids. 

         Hubby cam home about a week later. I have had the humble privilege of watching a change take over him. Our relationship changed, his walk with Heavenly Father changed, the way he parents the children beside me changed. There has been much change in the past 6 months. Recently when we celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary. We had a Marriage Encounter one weekend, that one weekend changed everything again. There is an intimacy now in our relationship that did not exist before. There is a security and celebration not only in our commitment to each other, but in the welcoming of Heavenly Father in our marriage. I am humbled and excited to see where this road will take us. I am also more determined than before that Heavenly Father has a plan for us and His plan is far better then anything we could ever conceive .  

           Many times I wake in the morning with a song of praise on my lips, thankfulness in my heart and an excitement to discover what will happen next. There are other times admittedly that I awaken to a much somber emotion. However, I have learned that no matter the mood in which I greet the day, Heavenly Father will change my heart, if I humbly ask him to. There are so many ways that I see Heavenly Father's love though out my day. I encourage you dear readers to look, listen and be still. At times it is in the midst of the chaos that you will find peace. Be blessed.