Is it better, to have loved and lost, then never at all?

We just returned from an unexpected trip to NY last night. We found out last week that what was as close to a Mother-In-Law (N) that I have ever known died. She had esophageal cancer and it had unfortunately eaten through her esophagus and she died.
I know that this was and is the hardest on my Father-In-Law(G). In his single life time he has buried two women that he was able to find happiness with, but the happiness did not last the lifetime he was hoping. He cried the hardest at her wake and funeral. And my heart broke for him. They say it is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all. But when does it end? He was able to say goodbye, hold her one last time and start the process of letting go and moving on.

This is the hardest process for me to imagine. You live for a time with a loved one in your life and learn to depend on them to be there. When they are gone those moments are left wanting and uneasy. It is a callus person who mocks and finds humor in another's pain. It is also a greedy person who bids and divides a loved ones belongings, before they are peacefully laid to rest. To argue over who gets what and how much is uncouth and disgraceful, not to mention disrespectful and cruel.

I had the unfortunate meeting with some of those people and am ashamed to call them family.When a loved one dies, it is a time for reflection and mourning. Of remembering them all the good parts and bad, as a whole. Celebrate the good times, laugh at the long ago funny ones, and at times regret the words never spoken, the emotions not shared, and the finality of never getting the chance.
I am sad, sad that my youngest will never know her Nana except in stories. Sad that my older two had to learn about death so young. I regret not having more of a relationship with N. But I am eternally grateful to her, she reminded G that he could love again, that his life was not over, and that he can move on. I can only hope that her death did not negate the lessons he learned from her.
N you will be forever missed, I can only hope that we will see each other again on the other side.

Refreshing Realization

I spoke to an old friend today. It had been a few years since he and I last talked. Things have changed for both of us. The last time he and I met we were both at a cross road. He was trying to decide whether or not to stay in a relationship and I was on the brink of starting down a road not meant for me. We both gave each other advice. My advice to him was to take a few days off from each other, remove every trace of the other and live life as if it were already over. His advice to me was if I did what I was thinking he would loose all respect for me. He took my advice and I took his.

I am now happily married with children and he is a single parent to a son. I thought at first that it would be weird talking to him, but it turned out to be more like talking to a sibling. That was a relief to me. I has been worried about talking to anyone I had left in the home state. I didn't want there to be weird moments or pauses. It wasn't like that, and it was a refreshing realization.

Oh the thoughts there are to think

I talked to Hubby today about my rage. He agrees that I need to seek out help, He also wants to go with me and work on the issues he see's in himself. I know that if we are going to stop the spanking cycle we need help. So tomorrow I plan on getting started in finding us a Family Counselor. This should prove to be interesting. I know I am not a perfect mom and it isn't that I want to be perfect, I just want to be better. I want to treat my kids the way they deserve to be treated and I want to know how to handle situations that overwhelm me right now.



Things are going to get better. I also have caved and asked my Mom for the contact information for her friends that live up here. Maybe reaching out to someone whom I know already knows a little bit about me will make things a little easier. I will try to go into this without any preconceived ideas. Yes, I have tattoos and piercings, but they are not who I am they are just an expression of myself. I am not sure how I will come across to her, or even how I come across to anyone. I hope I come across as friendly. I have been told I come across as a perfect wife, but as stated in a previous post, I am not.

This I wrote just now... today.

I think I have a social problem. I have never been able to make friends and actually keep them. I didn't make too many in school and I think the ones in my friends space on MySpace just have me added as a friend to up their own friend count. Which doesn't bother me, most people on MySpace do that. Tell me one MySpacer that keeps up with all 10000 friends and I will show you someone with no life other then MySpace. Tom doesn't even keep up with everyone!
I am not sure what the social issue I have is, but I think it is one that a good amount of people have. My mom wants me to call her group of friends up here, she says they wont judge me and that they will be close friends. I honestly don't want to call them because I think they will report back to my mom. Hubby doesn't see that I have a social problem. He says that if I am friends with someone and they stop being my friend it is on them and not me. But how many times can you say that? I mean really when does it become my fault?

I have been thinking a lot lately about what someone told me years ago. I was probably 14 at the time and I was apologizing for everything, even the stuff I had no control over. Someone whom I looked up to at the time told me to stop apologizing because I am not a sorry person. I have come to realize that my apologizing was directly linked to trying to make up for my shortfalls, at least the ones I see. I have never had a high self image or good self esteem. Since getting married it has improved, but there are still moments that I don't feel like I make the grade so to speak.

I know Hubby thinks I am a good mom, so do many friends and family. I just didn't see it sometimes. I see the yelling at the kids, and at times the over discipline. I feel so guilty after spanking my kids. I remember it hurt so bad growing up when my parents would spank me. And now I just want to shut myself away and cry if I even have to threaten it. Is there a non-physical way to break your kids of habit's you don't like? Someone please tell me. I struggle with "Bad Mom" syndrome almost every day and some days more then others.

On a different more personal note. I want my bed back. I like having the kids with us sometimes but there are other times I just want them out of the bed so I can jump my hubby whenever the mood strikes. I just want some intimacy back.... is that too much to ask? There are many times I get to feeling a little frisky, and there is no action because we have to get out of bed and hopefully not wake the kids at the same time. Oh well I guess things will work themselves out. Enough from me, I have to start helping get the kids to sleep. Hubby is watching the All-Star NASCAR race.... we will see what happens.

Stages of Motherhood

the 12 stages of motherhood ( sung to the tune of 12 days of Christmas)
In the 1st stage of motherhood I received a screaming baby
In the 2nd stage of motherhood I received 2 Pediatricians
In the 3rd stage of motherhood I received 3 hyper toddlers
In the 4th stage of motherhood I received 4 days of Preschool
In the 5th stage of motherhood I received 5 kindergarten play-dates
In the 6th stage of motherhood I received 6 days of homework
In the 7th stage of motherhood I received 7 7th graders
In the 8th stage of motherhood I received 8 hungry High School football players
In the 9th stage of motherhood I received 9 college visits
In the 10th stage of motherhood ten I received 10 late night parties
In the 11th stage of motherhood I received 11 days to plan a wedding
In the 12th stage of motherhood I received 12 years and forever to enjoy my grand-kids

I wanted to write, but the dishes are calling

So Goosie had a Dr's appt. today and my suspicions were confirmed. She has a cold. I was told not to give her any cold medication so I am just giving her a small dose of benedryl to help with the congestion/runny nose and all that jazz. I also learned something new today. Apparently babies under one year of age, if they have a fever anywhere close to 100.3 you are to bring them in, I thought it was a blanket 103 for any child under the age of 12, but I was wrong. I am thankful that I learned this while Flutterby is healthy and not running a fever. We are still doing well here at the house. Hubby will be coming home from work in the next hour or so...that in it's self is a treat! For now all the kids are sleeping and I am not watching CSI, b/c Hubby wanted to watch what was going on with the NASCAR all star race this weekend. They have had stuff going on all week for it! So if anyone can tell me what happened or direct me to a website where I can catch up online I would appreciate it.
I think the hardest thing is going to be keeping Goosie away from Flutterby. Goosie wants to hold her all the time and she just wont be able to for a little while. I know it will seemingly break her heart. The kids are all once again down for a nap. Since things went so well at the Dr's office I let them have a treat at McDonald's. Yes, going out even for McD's is a treat for my kids I watch their diets that much. We made mini pizza's last night for dinner. Goosie and Miniman covered theirs in so much cheese I had to take some off before putting them in the oven or I would have to have cleaned my oven afterward.
I am slowly getting the house done. Room by room day by day. I hope that before our next move I will have all the boxes unpacked, sorted and put away. I also hope to have better bins to organize things in, so the Easter stuff doesn't end up with Christmas and Halloween doesn't end up with Birthday stuff. That would be very nice...oh and I would like to get rid of the need of a storage unit too. But that will come in time. I don't think, at least I hope, we will be moving for sometime. Things are looking good here and because of Hubby's boss being a butt, Hubby has job security.
We also received package from my sister today! Thank you for all the wonderful stuff! Goosie decided she wanted the pig, so Flutterby received the parrot and MiniMan is already possessive of Ali the gator!
Well I have some more cleaning to do and hey if Hubby gets home before the kids wake up...maybe we can have some couple time. That would be nice. Just to snuggle without any kids and watch a movie would be a very good thing. I will write more later. The dishes are calling to me.

Pack rat rehab?

I am awake and a new day has started. I know Hubby kissed us all goodbye before heading off to the daily grind, some mornings I just cant remember. I need all the sleep I can get at night. Because when the kids go down for their nap, it is me time and I want to get the most of it.

Miniman woke up first this morning and somehow got stuck out side of the bedroom. Yes all 5 of us sleep in the same bed, and somehow Miniman decided to shut himself out of the room this morning. I could have slept longer, at least until 8:30a. Sometimes I am lucky and am able to, today was not one of those days. Wow, I am back to when 8:00 in the morning is sleeping in!Today is here and all it's possibility and promises have yet to be thrown out the window.

I have plans to get the house in order. Hubby and I are both tired of our house being a large lost and found. Seriously you could bring something to our house and if you don't keep your eye on it, it will disappear. It is like the dryer you swear eats your socks, but just one from each pair.I got the toy room done, the kitchen started and I am afraid of what the spare room will bring....that is a black hole! Sure when you come to my house it looks really clean and nice, but if you were to take a closer look....oh the things you will see and find. I think Hubby and I are both a bit of pack rats. And we need to go to rehab!

On a different note. Everything else is going well. The kids like the new routine and we are slowly venturing out to make friends. I wish sometimes that I had the luxury of still living where I grew up and went to school. But then there are other times when I am thankful that I get to start over again each time we move. I can be a different person everywhere I live, or just pretend to be if I wanted to. I have discovered that some think I am the perfect wife and mom, let me dispel this lie right away. I am not perfect in anyway except that I am perfect in my imperfections. That's right the best part of being imperfect it to be comfortable in those imperfections.

Someone once told me (in high school) that I was controlled chaos. I would like to think that I still am. And I love every minute of it. Sure I get tired of it sometimes, but mostly it is fun. Almost like standing in the eye of a hurricane and being still and peaceful while everything around you gets tossed like a good ceaser salad.

Well, I have breakfast to put together.... and so the day starts.. and always with the kids thinking that Daddy is so much better and funner then Mommy, because they see Mommy all the time, but seeing Daddy is a treat. Yes, that is what married with children is like when the hubby works 80+ hour work weeks.

Traveling

The summer will be here soon, along with the promises of visiting family. There are two trips we are trying to work out. One to NY and one to SC. We are planning on attending the Family reunion in NY on the 28th of June. Hubby is pretty sure he can get that Friday and Monday off. He isn't so sure he can get time off in July, so it is looking like we will be coming down for the weekend of the 4th to SC. I will know more lator this week, and will write an update then.

As far as the rest of life goes, things are well. There are times when both Hubby and I feel overwhelmed with three kids. They do after all out number us. I was able to take the kids to the mall this past weekend, and the four of us did okay! Miniman stayed in his stroller, Goosie held onto the side of the stroller, and Flutterby fell asleep in her sling. We also have a routine at home that is working out well. In the morning if there are places to go or errands to run, we go. Then it is home for lunch and a nap( so if you call the house between 1p and 3p I wont answer b/c I try to sleep too). After nap time if the weather is nice the kids go outside to play with other kids in the neighborhood until it is time for dinner around 5 or 5:30p. Then it is bath time and settling down time for the kids. Hubby has been getting home from work around 7:30/ 8:00 and that puts the kids down to bed around 8:30/9:00p. It really sucks that he is still working such late hours, but we have adapted as well as we can and are just praying that things will change soon. It is hard for all of us to only have one day a week where the whole family is together. So if someone wants to have a play-date on Sunday.... I don't go and decline. Family time is so rare and we need all we can get!

Please pray that things will change soon. I want so badly for Hubby to have the hours I am used to him having. Three kids on my own with out a break is tiring, and even on Sunday the only break we both get is when we drop the kids off to Sunday school so we can enjoy the service with Flutterby.
Well, that is enough from me today. I have to get things started. I am trying to organize my house and get things situated. I am tired of having to look for everything and nothing is easy to find. With all the moving we have done we have a good amount of clutter and mess. Here is hoping I can get it all straight-ed out!

A Mothers version on 1 Cor 13

1 Corinthians 13, A Mother's Version
If I read bedtime stories till the cow jumps over the moon and sing "Ten Little Monkeys" until I want to call the doctor -- but if I don't have love,I'm as annoying as a ringing phone!
I can chase a naked toddler through the house while cooking dinner and listening to voice mail. I can fix the best cookies and Kool-Aid in the neighborhood, and I can tell a sick child's temperature with one touch of my finger, but if I don't have love, I am nothing.
Love is patient while watching and praying by the front window when it's 30 minutes past curfew.
Love is kind when my teen says, "I hate you!"
It does not envy the neighbors' swimming pool or their brand-new minivan,but trusts the Lord to provide every need.
Love does not brag when other parents share their disappointments and insecurities, and love rejoices when other families succeed.
It doesn't boast, even when I've multitasked all day long and my husband can't do more than one thing at a time.
Love is not rude when my spouse innocently asks, "What have you done today?"
It does not immediately seek after glory when we see talent in my children,but encourages them to get training and make wise choices.
Love is not easily angered, even when my 15-year-old acts like the world revolves around him/her.
It does not ever say "I told you so" even when I am right! (Smile.) Love rejoices in TRUTH.
Love does not give up hope!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It always protects our children's spirit, even while doling out discipline.
It always trusts God to protect our children when we cannot.
It always perseveres, through blue nail polish, burps and other bodily functions,rolled eyes and crossed arms, messy rooms and sleep-overs.
Love never fails.
But where there are memories of thousands of diaper changes and painful labor(s), they will fade away.
Where there is talking back, it will (eventually) cease. (Please, Lord?)
Where there is a teenager who thinks he knows everything, there will one day be an adult who knows I did my best.
For we know we fail our children, and we pray they don't end up in therapy, but when we get to heaven, our imperfect parenting will disappear.(Thank you, God!)
When we were children, we needed a parent to love and protect us.
Now that we're parents ourselves, we have a heavenly Father who adores, shelters us and holds us when we need to cry.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.
But the greatest of these is love

Mothers Day Thoughts

Tomorrow is Mothers Day, today is my Mom's birthday. My niece has her two year birthday this week also. There is so much that happens in May and then summer is right after. I can hardly wait for the summer. We are planning a trip down to SC to see family (it will only be for a few day's) and another trip to NY (again only a few day's). There are three birthdays in my little family over the summer, mine and my two oldest's. But what I am looking forward the most too is the summer rains.
There is nothing like them, especially in the south.I remember the warm summer rains that would soak everything in sight growing up. My sister V and I would run around in it. We would ride our bicycles through the puddles and our socks would be limp with water. Our hair dangled like wet seaweed and we would have to take our wet clothes off in the kitchen so we didn't get the carpet wet. It was so much fun! I want the same for my kids one day. I just don't know if the rain is warm here in Ohio. Then there is the smell of childhood. Every mom knows the smell, and also knows it is unique to each child. Oh, to get the smell of childhood back, even just the innocence of childhood. I look at my children and see the wonderment and innocence in their faces. And part of me envies them for it. If I had only stayed a child a little longer and wasn't in such a rush to grow up. But I did grow up, at times I think too soon. I am here now and have three children of my own.
I have heard many times that Goosie is the spitting image of me. I just want so much for her. I don;t want her to be in a rush to grow up, and I also don't want to make her feel like she has to grow up too soon. I want her to have all the things I wanted but never had. Dancing lessons, Art lessons, and anything else that tickles her fancy. I also want her to fall in love with her Daddy. I want her to see him as the greatest man ever (aside of course from her Heavenly Father). I want her to feel comfortable climbing up on his lap no matter what her age and know that she is safe there and that he will love and protect her no matter what.
MiniMan looks just like his daddy. Every time I see him I wonder what Hubby was like growing up, and if MiniMan is the spitting image of his daddy! I also want a lot for him. I want him to grow up to be the man that all the women want to be around, because he respects them and that other men want to be around because he is honorable and just. I want him to have all the opportunities that can be offered to him and all the good things in life, this one and the next.
Flutterby is my last. And at times I think I want the most for her. I want her to know that she was planned. By us and by God. That she is not any less important then her sister or brother. I also want all the things for her that I want for Goosie.
Each of my babies are a blessing to me. I want to do right by them in everything. I love them so very much. Sure they can be trying at times and there are other times when I feel like I can't take much more. I want so much for a break, knowing that I wont get one for a while. But then after they take so much out of me, when they snuggle up to me at night and I hear them say how much they love me, I am filled up so much I can go through it all again. What would I do without them? Sure there I could be a career woman, there is nothing wrong with that, but I always dreamed of being a mother, and taking care of my family and home. To me there is no greater calling. I just pray for the patience and understanding to do it all. There are also times when I know that I ask too much of myself and I judge myself too harshly. I am after all my harshest critic. I hear often that I am a good mom, and that my kids are lucky, but I also think that I don't do enough for them. Only time will tell. I want so much to hear from my children when they are grown with little ones of their own that I am a good mom and they want to be as good a parent as Hubby and I are, in truth I want them to be better parents then we are.
Well, that is enough from this peanut factory. Thanks for reading this far!

Its 4 in the morning

It is almost 4 in the morning. I am up nursing an unhappy baby. It's the thrush, she is in pain each time she nurses and I am cringing with it each time she latches on. For you other Mom's out there, I hope you never get it, it is the worst experience ever! I would not wish this on anyone!We went to a MOPS meeting yesterday, The kids enjoyed play time with other kids while I enjoyed some me time with other moms. it is just too bad that the meeting was the last one, until after the summer.
On a different note, I became an Aunt again. My sister N adopted a baby boy, and he is adorable! I bet he is even more so in person! I am so happy and excited for her and her hubby, it is one of those Juno (go see the movie if you haven't) situations (but no divorce). I personally cant think of anyone more deserving to be parents then my sister and her hubby, It was like they were made to be parents.
Sure some parents are made when their kids are born, others were made before kids ever entered the picture. The latter is true for this couple.I almost envy their new addition!
Other then the thrush, things are well. hubby is working such crazy hours, I wish he got overtime! I knew that being an ARMY wife I would clock in some "single mom" hours, but this is getting ridiculous! I mean he is a recruiter after all.And while I have been advised to look at the situation as him getting deployed daily. I cant help wonder why the long hours... he never had them like this before.
Well, enough from me. I am the only one awake and it is looking like another 12 or 14 hour day for Hubby, so I am going to get some snuggle time in before he goes to work.

Stuff thats happening

Thoughts and happenings
I have been able to get all three kids down for a nap at the same time recently, and it has become a daily happening. I feel like I have accomplished so much! Some days when Goosie and MiniMan are really acting up, and I am able to get them to take a nap, I feel like I have just climbed Mt. Everest!
We are adjusting to our newest member. Flutterby gets held and loved on alot! Goosie wants to hold her all the time and MiniMan is happy just giving her kisses. Hubby of course gets her when he gets home and the older two let him sit down for a minute or two. Flutterby nurses like a pro and I am finding it a little difficult at times when Goosie and MiniMan are acting up and Flutterby wants to nurse. I wish I had more hands!
I have found a playgroup for the kids and so far so good, when I get the right directions! I drove around looking for the meet-up place for two hours yesterday. But I didn't give up, and even though the kids fell asleep in the van, and shortly after arriving everyone else left, I still got us there! We have another one today. I have directions and a phone number this time! I think Hubby is planning on getting me a GPS for either Mothers Day or my Birthday. If he doesn't then I wanna get one for myself so I can find stuff!
Well, I have to go for now. Flutterby has a Dr's appointment b/c we think she has thrush, and then it is lunch and a play-date. I will try to catch up with you all later! Thanks for reading this far!

I guess I should have thought about a break before I had kids

I guess I should have thought about a break before kids....
So we have added to our family and once again we need to figure out time. Time spent alone with each of the kids, each other and alone. Things in life get stressful and when you have kids it just seems to add to it. A break would be nice. Just some time of solitude would be nice too. Peace and quiet would be highly appreciated.
Don't get me wrong I love my kids. All three of them, and it isn't the youngest that makes the most noise (surprisingly). They are each just demanding in their own right. I was thinking about mortality today. That we aren't promised tomorrow. I know that Hubby had a huge scare in the hospital just before the birth of Flutterby. Then the message this morning at church... well it all got me thinking. I cherish my big little family. Each and every member of it. Sure they stress me out and my headaches, but with out just one of them my heart would ache and there would be a gaping hole where something would be missing. With out my husband I would only be 1/2 the parent that my kids need me to be. And I know that he feels the same about me. Without just one of my children, my family would be incomplete and I would be left wanting something more. What could/ would I do without them. I am at a loss.


I guess I should have thought about a break before we had kids.
I guess I should have spent more time doing what I wanted to before I gave my time away.
I guess I should have done more things that made me more of an adult.
I guess I should have relaxed more instead of stressing out over drama.
I guess I should have saved more money, because now it seems there is never enough.
I guess I should have done a lot of things, but they would never be enough.
Without my little family sure I could do more, but then I wouldn't have as many faces to fall in love with, come home to, wake up with, and so much more.
Kids they take so much and sometimes when you least expect it, they give so much more back.