Farewell sweet one..

This morning before many of us awoke for the day, my little second cousin Anna departed this world to be with Jesus. I am saddened and at a loss for words for my cousin's as I could never imagine letting one of my little ones go. I know that Anna had been struggling and fighting for the past year, that she had endurance and grace for each moment as did her parents. I never met little Anna, I had just seen pictures and what a sweet child she was. I saw her little smiles in pictures and knew how they warmed her parent's hearts.
I have already called my cousins and expressed my sympathy's. I write now with tears in my eyes as I think of the blessing they were so richly blessed with for such a short time. I know that little Anna is with Jesus and has experienced the ultimate healing, she is no longer in pain or suffers for a breath, she is free. That is all for now.
Count your blessings, hold them close to you. You never know how much time you have here on this earth because there is so much more for us in heaven.

Christmas Thoughts

It's Christmas Eve and while I could let what bothered me ruin my day, I won't. I called my sister N and she let me vent, it felt good to let it out to someone who is understanding and in a way refreshes me and reminds me of all the blessings in my life.
I am sitting here at my computer, Bubbles is nursing away in my lap, Hubby and the older two are making cookies for Santa. Hubby and I have yet to wrap everything, we plan on doing it after the kids are in bed tonight.
I have much to reflect upon this past year. Goosie started school, I know that I was less ready for this then she was. I am not sure if Miniman is more independent or less. I think less, he always seems to be right under me. Bubbles was welcomed into our lives. We are blessed by her smiles each day and every night when she falls asleep in my arms I am struck with an awe inspiring love for each of my sweet babies and the love of my life. I am blessed beyond all measure and for that I am grateful.
There are so many who go through this life with so much less then what we have and I am grateful for all of it. My wonderful family, both here with me in the house and scattered about in the different nooks and cranny's of the world, I hold each of you in my heart and pray that your hopes for the new year all come to fruition. My friends all scattered and yet somewhat clumped, I think of you each daily and hope that you are well. It is Christmas Eve, there is so much to be thought about and even more to be thankful for. I miss those of you who I no longer see as much as I used to, for those that I do see I miss you when I don't see you.
There is something I learned a long time ago. When I was younger I used to live for those around me, what ever it took to make them happy is what I did. I wasn't always happy, but I thought I was doing the right thing by attempting to make others happy. I was wrong. I know now that when it comes to those who truly love me as I am, they have always encouraged me to do what makes me happy. Unless it was self destructive. I know now that what makes them happy is seeing that I am happy. Since having this revelation I know think of others happiness and let them know that it is ultimately what makes them happy that will make me happy for them. So many thoughts to think, so many blessings to count, and hopefully some wisdom to pass along to the next generation. I have so many wonderful things to live for and pray each day that I will live long enough to see my children living in the happy contentment that I enjoy now. Merry Christmas and may God richly bless you in the coming New Year. If you have not asked God to be your lord and savior, I challenge you to search within yourself and find that we all need a savior, we are so blessed that one was born to save us and is the reason for the season, and every breath we are blessed enough to take.

Facebook

I am trying to link my blog to my facebook, we will see how well this works!

More pictures of the kids..

Goosie wanted her hair curled too..

Goosie and Miniman all ready to go to the Christmas program!

Goosie all dressed up and ready to go!

My handsome Miniman, boy am I in trouble lator!

Pictures of the kids.. and me too!

Bubbles waiting Patiently for her food. One of the cutest babies Ever!

Miniman, with his ever present plug.. those blue eyes get me everytime!

Me before I colored my hair, Hubby didn't know I knew how to curl my hair!

Curly and after my coloring! I think I look good, all the grey is covered up too!

Oh the Memories..

In just a few days, on the 21st to be exact, will be the anniversary of the start of the happiest time in my life. Hubby proposed. He was creative in the way he asked too. I had told him that every year regardless I always get a book for Christmas. That year I got the book I treasure above all others. The one he proposed to me with. He cut out the middle of some pages and placed the ring box inside. The title of the book is "The Hundred Secret Senses", when I first opened the gift I thought I had received another book, upon opening the book, I read the inscription and saw the ring. I didn't know it was coming. But I am glad that it did. We decided to celebrate Christmas early that year because we were going to see my Aunt H and Uncle L for the holiday. That was 7 years ago, we were married February of 2003 and will be celebrating 6 years this coming year.
There were many nay sayer's when it came to the start of our fairy tale relationship, the biggest was perhaps the one that wanted to believe the most that relationships like ours were still possible, my sister S.
This past year S has been in her own fairy tale, I am to say the least ecstatic and excited for her as her tale unfolds with more love and happiness she had hoped for. I know that at times she is as overwhelmed by her gift but all the more grateful for it. The memories we make last a lifetime, least we forget a life time is never long enough to enjoy the ones we love and appreciate the most.

Happenings and Happenstance

The A.T.C. was a bust, Hubby ended up sick the entire weekend, so I had to go to the formal dinner/awards ceremony alone. The kids were in childcare, they seemed to enjoy themselves, but Bubbles wouldn't let me out of her sight since we have been home. Both Goosie and Miniman have the dreaded pink eye, Goosie's is coupled with an ear infection and Miniman has a Dr's appointment later today to see what all he had going on. Besides not letting me out of her sight, Bubbles is doing well, except she is teething. It is so hard to see your little one in pain and knowing that it is unavoidable. I give her Tylenol and Motrin as the Dr prescribed and generally just try to keep her content. Enough complaining, I will move on.
Today I am making cookies for Goosies first Christmas program at school. I am already so proud of her! She has been working so hard on the songs and has all the moves down too. I still can't believe she is four! Time goes by so quickly especially with little ones, that if you blink or turn away for even a moment you have missed something. Hubby has promised to make up the formal dinner to me later when he is feeling better. He was diagnosed with a viral upper respiratory infection and is slowly getting better. I try to encourage him as much as I can and take care of him as much as he will let me. Yes, we are all stocked up on chicken soup and if we run out, I know how to make more! The Christmas season is upon us and there are still so many things to do. It has become a tradition that we make Jesus a birthday cake every year and sing him Happy Birthday. We also read the story of Christ's birth, and tell each other the wonderful things we are thankful for that God did that year in our lives. The kids know about Santa and when they get older I will explain it more to them. Something else I plan on doing is each of my kids donating toys to someone less fortunate. I want to encourage them to not only receive at Christmas, but to also be givers. Well, I am all typed out for now. I hope all is well with you and yours, Merry Christmas and may the reason for the season be with you throughout the New Year!

Just some stuff

It is the start of a weekend. A short one anyway. Hubby will be working until at least 5pm today, so it is just me and the kids. Tomorrow we will be going to church and just relaxing. I am trying to get Bubbles ready for the ATC next weekend. The kids will be watched throughout the day and some of the night. I need to prepare her to be with out her nursies whenever she wants them. I also have to make a slight alteration on my dress for the formal and try out my hair with the curlers I bought yesterday before the big day. I also need to give myself a pedicure and make sure that I look as good as I want before the big day.
There is so much to do and I am just hoping that it will all get done. I want the house to be clean because someone will be staying here while we are gone. And I am stickler for my house being clean! So much to do. There is still all the things that need to be done on the other end. I am the family readiness group leader for the company and although it's not my job to make sure that everything runs smoothly for the ATC, I still want to do all I can to help.
Well, it looks like my time is up , the kids are awake from their nap and it's time to get things started again. By the way I started this post at one time and finished it at another..

Just me Venting again

Today has been a salt shaker. By that I mean that everything that was planned was put in a shaker and the shaking commenced with nothing coming out. I had a meeting today and it seems I am not reaching out as much as the commander wants me to when it comes to the family members. So that is something I need to work on. I have realized the importance of my cell phone, I was running late and was unable to call Hubby to let him know so consequently his day is all off schedule. Needless to say I will never leave home without said cell phone and will always have minutes on it.
On a different note I seem to get snapped at a lot. Sometimes it feels like I am precariously walking through a swamp of over protective momma gators. I know better then to take it personally. But come on I need a break too. Hubby has been on some serious meds for almost 5 years, he is now in the process of lowering the dosage of said meds with the help of his doctor. I know that he is going through some pretty tough stuff right now and that he snaps at things he would not usually snap at. So I try to let things slide off my back like water on a duck. He always apologizes and I know that he and I are alike in that we beat ourselves up mentally harder then anyone ever could. So I don't make a big deal out of any of it. I know it is just the meds and not the man I married. He is seeing a new Dr now and that should help monumentally, this one actually knows what they are doing.
Well, on some good notes, the kids are all doing well. Hubby and I are also doing great and things are looking up. I think and therefore I am positive, my frame of mind has everything to do with my circumstance and I can change my outlook just by changing my point of view. Enough for now I will type more later!

Seasonal Thoughts

The Thanksgiving weekend is coming to a close. At my house two trees are up, one is more traditional with no personal decorations. The second is already crowded with decorations of all shapes sizes and colors, it is our family tree. I buy a new ornament every year for each member of my big/little family. This year Goosie and Miniman were old enough to pick their own. Goosie picked out a ballerina Barbie and Miniman found a speed racer. Now if I could just keep them away from the tree!
Hubby and I were looking at all the great deals that were happening on Black Friday. I somehow convinced him to go to Wal-mart at 4am. He will never do that again and I wont either! We braved things today and they weren't too bad. But I think from now on I will do my shopping throughout the year, instead of in the few weeks leading up to Christmas.
I love this time of year. Especially after we put up the tree. The house just seems warmer and there is a lift in my spirit as each day comes to a close. Happy Holiday's, may you each find good cheer in the corners of your heart and warm wishes from those around you. As I hope you would throughout the year!

Traditions and Transitions...

It's the day before Thanksgiving. I am not on the road trying to get somewhere, there isn't a turkey in the fridge defrosting and I just pulled a home made chocolate cake out of the oven. Every year since I was little I remember today being a busy day, when I was a child there was so much to make and my Mom was in the kitchen for most of the day before and the day of Thanksgiving. Lets face it she was feeding 10 people. When I was a love sick teenager (who didn't really understand what love was) I spent much of the Thanksgiving week with a boyfriends family and little with my own. All of my parents children have grown and the last of us will have our first in April. There are still a few of us who live in the area of origin, or where most of us grew up. Others of us have moved along with our husbands or careers to different states (at times a new one every year). For those of us who have moved away when we are able we go back to that place of origin. My sister I is awesome. Every year she welcomes any and all of us into her home where we make a huge mess (we also help clean it) and enjoy ourselves around the people who love and accept us.
Last year I was able to go home after 6 years away. My sisters, brother-in-laws, nephews, nieces and yes even my Dad were able to meet the first two of my children for the first time. They were also able to see me pregnant. Considering that almost no one had seen very much of Hubby or I since I showed up on my parents door step, announcing I was getting married to a man no one had met before (aside from my sister V and my Mom, of course Mom only met him for all of 3 minutes, but that is a story for another time). I miss them all terribly this year. I know for my sister V this time of year has always been the hardest. But she is a trooper, once again she will paint a smile on her beautiful face and put all of her stresses just out of reach so that she can enjoy the chaos of family. My sister C will be making batches of her wonderful macaroni and cheese while chasing around her little girl A. My sister G and her family wont be there as they live in North Dakota. My sister N and her hubby wont be there as they are expecting their first addition and are in money saving mode. My sister I will once again be a gracious host and as patient as she can muster while her house is taken over (it's a new house). My sister L will be there with her family and will once again bring those around her to tears from laughter. My oldest sister S will also be there as she will have survived the drive from Florida, she is bringing a new addition to the family who really isn't that new, but all the more appreciated. And I will be here in my big/little house on the hill with my three little ones and Hubby wishing I were there or at least a little closer to family. I will make the phone calls to talk to everyone tomorrow and will try not to cry. There are many traditions in place and even more transitions to make when you come from a large family.
I will be making Pot Roast, Potatoes, Peas, and rolls and finish dinner off with chocolate cake with cream cheese frosting. All the while giving thanks for one more year of life, one more family member who is healthy and whole, and one more year with my hero Hubby. I am blessed, that is one tradition I can get used to...but not complacent. Happy Thanksgiving!

Random things over the past week

This weekend would be much like last, but Hubby has to work. There is no telling when he will be home. Sometimes he is home at a reasonable time and other times it is after the kids have gone to sleep. I don't like it when he works so late that he doesn't get to see the kids awake. It is hard on him too. He does so much and I hate that the time he has with us is so short. But we are getting through, things are improving.
Hubby has been slowly cutting back on his med's, with his Dr's help of course. The withdrawals are hell, it hasn't been easy on him, and that means it hasn't been easy on us either. He looked at me last weekend and told me that if I left him, he wouldn't hold it against me. It hurt so much to hear that. I love Hubby with all my heart and cannot imagine my life without him. I am sure there would be strength down in me somewhere to go on without him, but I don't want to find it.
I have been praying desperately for him and asking others to pray also. Hubby and I both have started reading our Bible's more and listening to positive music. After all garbage in, garbage out. Positive in, positive out. Things have improved dramatically after these simple changes. I think the kids feel the change too.
Speaking of the kids, they are getting so big so fast. I looked at Bubbles the other day and told her to slow down. I don't really want her to be but I think she is our last. I would like Miniman to have a brother, but I guess he will have to wait until his sisters get married. Hubby told me that if I wanted another baby we could have one in four years. There are so many things I want to do when all the kids are in school. I want to go back to school. I want to have surgery to decrease my breast size, and I want to go back to work. So we are done, Bubbles is the last beautiful baby I will give birth too. We still want to adopt or become foster parents in a few years, but mostly we are done. Miniman is slowly potty training. If I could just get him comfortable on the toilet I think it would be much easier to get him trained. Goosie was super easy to potty train, it only took her a few days. but every child is different. Bubbles is different. Hubby thinks that Bubbles doesn't like him. He even has a theory that after 7pm Bubbles is my baby and wants nothing to do with him or anyone else. So far his theory is correct, but last night Bubbles decided that she wanted Hubby. But last night she went crawling fir him, and almost fell off the couch doing it. They played until Hubby thought it was time for her to go to sleep , then Bubbles wanted nothing to do with him and everything to do with me, gp figure. Goosie has adjusted well to her new school. She has already made friends and we had a play date yesterday that went really well. There is another play date scheduled for the first week in December. Goosie is really looking forward to it and I am looking forward to developing more of a friendship with V.'s mom A.
On a different note I both started and finished Bubbles quilt. Now everyone in my big little family has a quilt except me the quilt maker. I really just cant decide what I want in my quilt. I am sure I will figure it out one day. Well, I think my thoughts have filled up enough of this blog for now. I will write again later!

Youth is Fleeting

My father in law G was here this weekend. Really just Friday evening through this morning. Since our first two were born on the west coast he really wasn't able to connect with them in their babyhood. Now at 4 and 2 they are a ball of energy rolling around the house and getting into things. They are called monkeys more because of their ability to get into precarious situations and other things that are off limits.

G. has lived through two companions deaths. And he is willing to get out there and try again. But not yet, he still thinks it is too soon. If I wondered before where Hubby's loving and devoted heart came from I need look no further then the man who raised him. As G was here he didn't want to let Bubbles go. He was always willing to hold her, coo with her, play with her and my heart rejoiced with his as she smiled and laughed in his arms. How fleeting is our youth.

On the way home from church this morning Goosie and I got into the same discussion that we seem to get into every week at least once a day. She wants to marry her Daddy. I have tried to reason with her and I have tried helping her understand that it just isn't possible to marry Daddy. Of course she wont hear any of it. So today I married them. I had them stand in the living room and asked them the following:

Daddy, do you promise to love your daughter with all your heart, to do the best you can to provide for her and when making decisions have her best interest at heart?
He responded "Yes"
Goosie, do you promise to love Daddy with all your heart, to do your best to listen to him and be a good girl?
Goosie responded "Yes"
I now pronounce you Father and Daughter, you may kiss your little girl.

It was enough to make Goosie happy and Hubby I think was relieved that the whole fight over him was over. It wouldn't surprise me if I need to "marry" him to Bubbles too. Who knows Miniman may be so in love with me that he may want to "marry" me one day. At least I am glad my brain is still quick enough to think up these things.

We celebrated Thanksgiving this past Saturday. I made Turkey, dressing, peas, rolls, and gravy. For dessert we had a chocolate cake with cream cheese frosting. After dinner and before we cut into the cake we went around the table and said what we were all thankful for. Even with just three adults in the room the thankful's brought tears to our eyes. How wonderful this life is. That I have a healthy family, a Hubby that loves me and so much in emotional funds there would never be a heart big enough to contain it. My cup runneth over, I am blessed beyond all measure and the one I am grateful to the most is my Heavenly Father. So this Thanksgiving, remember the one who made it all possible and thank him no only on the third Thursday in November, but every moment you are blessed enough to draw a breath. Happy Thanksgiving!

Saturday Night Ramblings and an admission

It is another Saturday night. This weekend my father in law G. is visiting. I enjoy having him here, I also think it adds stress to Hubby. Things haven't been going all that well for him at work and it looks as if this weekend isn't going to give him much relief. Stressing over money. If it isn't one thing it is another. We always seem to have more month then money. I cherish the time I have at home with the kids but I still sometimes feel invaluable as a person because I don't have an income right now. Things are tough. Hubby tries almost too hard sometimes to make it look like there are no problems. But there are. The kids are all still sleeping in our bed. While this annoys me at times I cannot ask Hubby to make them sleep in their own beds. I know how much he enjoys holding them while they sleep. I know what he feels when they are peaceful in his arms and I also know how little time he does get with them. So they will stay in our bed until they are ready to leave. I am not sure how long that will take.
On a different note. I realize how blond I truly am. I was at Wally World the other day when the woman behind me in line commented to me on the kids. She told me how adorable they are and continued to say that I was one busy woman and that my Hubby must be pretty fertile too. I replied to her as I usually do when someone says that I am busy with " yeah, but it sure is fun". Up until today I didn't think of it again, but I was reading something and it hit me.. all this time people (strangers) have been commenting on the intimate activities between Hubby and I, where as I have been thinking they were commenting on how busy kids can keep you. Wow, have I laughed at myself today! I am thinking of trying my hand at being a comic... surly I am not the only one to find the hilarity in this situation. I know that I was born a blond but I didn't think the roots went that deep!
Something else that I was thinking of today. Hubby confronted me the other day about how I have my sisters and friends to complain to when I am having a rough go of things. I am not putting down the support I receive, however I am reminded that having three children is something that Hubby and I have chosen and that I shouldn't complain too much about it. Hubby was thinking that I have immeasurable support and a listening ear whenever I am in need of one. This theoretically is the case, but I also think about other peoples feelings and I try not to complain about the same things all the time. I don't think I am as successful at that as I want to be, but I will still try. I admit there are many times during my day/week that I feel utterly and completely alone. There are times I don't see a life raft or any thing to support me as I feel I am drowning. It is during these times that I release it all. There isn't really anything else I can do. Sure I can get worked up about just about anything, but what good does that do? So I let things go. I have this ability to forget things I don't want to remember. I can lie to myself until it is the truth (at least in my head). I have been able to do this for quite sometime and there are things I have blocked out so thoroughly I don't think they are ever coming back. This is honestly how I get through my day. If something happens and it doesn't go the way it should, I put it out of my mind with one breath and as soon as it is gone I don't take it back in. It is quite therapeutic. I am not sure how I would get through everything if I didn't. Maybe one day my mind will play catch up with me, but for now I can sleep through the night and lets face it I need all the sleep I can get. Well, speaking of sleep I had better go and get some, good night all!

Just me venting

It is Sunday. Nothing new is happening. Hubby had a migraine and is sleeping it off upstairs and I am once again alone with the kids downstairs. I have been struggling lately, well really just getting annoyed with it. Hubby sleeps better on the couch then in our bed. He mostly sleeps with Goosie and I have the other two in our bed upstairs. When he does come to bed he is on one side and I am on the other. There are at least two kids between us. Where has my hubby gone? When do I get to feel his arms around me? When do I get to snuggle in my favorite spot? I can't remember the last time I fell asleep in his arms. I can barely remember what it is like to only have the two of us in bed. I want to change things, but I don't think he does.
I knew before our family started to grow that the intimacy was going to suffer, but it seems like to only time he touches me is when we are being physically intimate. This is not the direction I expected our relationship to take. I love my kids, but I love my marriage to and I feel that one is taking away from the other. I am out of ideas on how to change things.
Well, this is all I can blog for now. I didn't really get a break yesterday and it looks like I am not going to get one today either. Just one question when can I be selfish? When can I just have time to myself? When can I recover from being sick and not worry about the kids or the house or anything else? I may never know.

Saturday Night In

I am having another Saturday night in. I think the last time I had a Saturday night out was before I had Goosie, and she is four! I have spent the majority of the day cleaning the house. Hubby's dad is coming for a visit next weekend and I never feel like I am ready for company. I don't think I will ever let the company know that! I actually enjoy company. It is a nice little break from the single parent routine I feel I get stuck in.
Please don't misread me. I am not a single parent and Hubby helps out a lot. It is just that he works 80 hour work weeks and we rarely see him more then an hour or two a day before the kids go to bed if we are lucky. Tonight he is at a function at work and I don't expect him home until after midnight. I am sure there are other women out there who wouldn't be okay with the hours Hubby puts in. In recruiting the divorce rate is higher then in any other place in the military. So yes Hubby wont get deployed overseas but he gets deployed every morning and is released in the evening. But that doesn't mean he can ignore the government cell phone he has to have on him 24/7. That's right Uncle Sam may not be using my Hubby on the front lines any more, but Hubby is still at his beckon call.
The kids have adjusted to it. But then they don't know Daddy any other way. Hubby was married before me. And luckily for me the relationship didn't work out and I am now married to the grand prize. Speaking of the kids. I realized that I am not fallowing through in my discipline and am changing. Goosie and Miniman don't like it very much, Bubbles still has no clue. All in all I think it is for the best. You cant expect to have good kids if you don't have expectations for them to live up to.
So it is once again the evening. The kids and I have eaten dinner, pj's will be brought out and put on. I might treat the kids to a special night. I was going to invite some new friends over, but they all already had plans. We will see, I know my imagination still works, at least I hope it does! We don't really have plans for the long weekend. Hubby is speaking at a school on Tuesday, Miniman, Bubbles and I are going to watch him. Goosie will be in preschool and I am sure will be disappointed that she wont see Daddy all dressed up in his dress blues.... Well that is enough from this blogger for the night. I have duties to attend and Bubbles who has just woken up from a late nap is wanting her rice cereal. So good night all I will try to write again sometime soon.

Election Thoughts

It is the morning after. We have a newly elected president and while I am disappointed that the man I voted for is not in office, I am proud of our country. While in high school I heard someone say that voting didn't matter because it was already decided who was going to be in office before the votes were even cast let alone counted. I decided then that I would vote every chance I got, and I get a chance every 4 years. I took my three kids with me to the polls yesterday. They were well behaved and I am glad for that.

My Hubby is in the military and while he also voted for McCain, he has already resolved himself. As we were going to bed last night he looked at me and said :" I am in the military, I fight to give people the right to vote. The people have spoken and it is my duty as a solider to protect their rights and freedoms, uphold the majorities decision and serve my country." I am so proud of him and I am proud that Hubby is the man my children look up to on a daily basis, and will continue to look up to for the rest of their lives.

A few weeks ago I was talking to my sister I. . We were talking about the coming election and what it meant for the country, our hubbies and our faith. I remember telling her that this election will do one of two things for believers, it will either call us into further action and prayer for our country and remind us that Jesus said to love the sinner and hate the sin. There are many things I don't agree with Obama on, he is liberal and I am Conservative. But aside from that I believe he is a good person. Mostly because I believe there is some good in all of us, it just may not be apparent on the surface.
There are things that will happen in the next four years that will be hard for many conservatives to swallow. I am trying to think positively. For one thing the general belief is that when a Democrat is President our troops will not be deployed so much and that means an easier go at things at work for Hubby. The Democrats have the majority everywhere (the house, the senate, the courts, and now the White House). Maybe they can do something with the economy and the country that has yet to be accomplished, and we can be free of the slump we are currently in. If they can, I wont change my political views but I will pat them on the back and say "Good Job". I agree with both McCain and Obama when they say that change will come if we all work together. Even the Bible says that a house divided cannot stand. Our country needs healing and if Obama can help usher that in, so be it. My prayers are with him and our other nations leaders.

November 1st notes

It is Saturday morning and things have calmed down a bit in the new house. We are mostly settled. I am not wanting to take pictures of the house until it is complete. I hope we stay here until Hubby retires in 5 years. It is a nice area, the schools are the best in the state and it isn't far from family. Speaking of family I had a dream last night that one of my sisters asked me if we could do Thanksgiving at my house next year. I said yes, then the dream jumped to Thanksgiving next year and I am getting the house ready, roasting the turkey, making a bunch of food, my mom and sisters are all crowded in the kitchen, the little kids are all in the basement playroom, most of the men are stuffed into the living room to watch the game. I woke up with a good feeling of family and a little overwhelmed at the same time. Most everyone was staying at my house and it seemed the walls were going to burst with the amount of people.
I have a large family. I am one of 8 girl children my parents decided to bless the world with. Each of us has at least one child if not two (except me, I broke the pattern with 3) and the men who are strong enough to handle being in a family of so many women are about 6 or 7. 6 if you just count hubbies, 7 if you count could be hubbies and 8 if you count untested boyfriends.
Halloween was last night. I think the kids got their fill of what little candy we allowed them. I am sure that costumes will be worn throughout the year, as my kids enjoy playing dress up. My parents were here visiting from North Carolina. We are expecting Hubbies Dad from upstate New York around the 14th. I enjoy visitors, I feel even more in my element. But enough for now Bubbles the baby is waking up and calling for me. I hope all is well with you and yours!

Just me ranting

I am the mother of three wonderful children and everyday I am challenged by them. I hear often the phrase "boy, you have your hands full! ", and I wonder if maybe I had them too close together. I love my sweet babies, don't get me wrong. They take allot out of me and there are times I want to put my time and attention into something else. I enjoy reading, sewing and many other things, yet when I do have time without the kids or Hubby I am at a loss as to what to do with myself.
I am a wife first, a mom second, a sister and daughter third and my friends come next, then after all of the titles I change in and out of on a daily basis I then if I have enough time put on the title of ME. There is just one problem, I think Me is getting lost somewhere.
In the Me getting lost I am wondering how much everything else is suffering. I am I loving and appreciating hubby the way he needs to be? What about my kids, family and friends? There are other times I feel that I am forgotten. I am invisible and the things I do don't matter. Then I get a sort of wake up call from one of the kids and I am set straight again. How is this all supposed to be done? Can one person really do it all? What does a picture of a working family look like? I am almost certain it wouldn't look like my family. Hubby and I try, and that is really all we can do.
So this is me, reaching out the the vastness of the Internet asking if I am alone in all of this or if there is someone who actually understands. I guess I will find out.

All Moved In, But not quite...

We are moved in, well mostly. There is still a lot of unpacking to do and there are a few more loads that need to be brought to the new house. I went this early afternoon and packed up the rest of the house. It sure is not a little bit of work. I am surprised that I have been able to get so much done. My parents are coming to visit and Mom promised that she would help me go through the boxes in the basement. Dad is going to paint the dining room a color more attune to our tastes and as the owner left all the paint, it won't be hard to repaint it the pale pink it is now. A dining room in pink?
The kitchen I am not sure if it has more or less space then the last one. I will have to get everything situated and let you know. I have already done some gardening and there is a bit of landscaping I am thinking of doing in the spring. There is just this one bare spot that if it could just be covered up a bit I think the yard would come together.
Well, thank you all for reading this much I will post some pictures later tonight. I have to get dinner started and check the laundry.... I think it will take some time to get used to the washer and dryer being in the basement, I know when I get my own house I want the washer and dryer beside the bedrooms even if that means they are on the second floor. Walking up and down two flights of stairs with clean/dirty laundry is giving me a work out!

A Blurb of things happening

Moving day is upon us, only 2 more days to pack as much as I can by myself. Hubby helps when he can, but work has been keeping him extra busy. The kids are adjusting well to the idea of moving. Goosie is exited that we will go to the "big house" soon. I too am excited and can already see the house with our furniture and things arranged in my head. Everything is scheduled to be turned on/off and in place. In reality we could move in today but I still have a good bit of packing to do. Today's entry will be short. There is so much for me to do and so little time to do it all. I hope that you are all well and in some state of happiness. I will have to sign off for now as I need to pack lunches and get the kids ready to go to my bible study.

My Family (a picture blog)

This is Goosie, on her first day of Preschool. I am so proud of her! She is getting so very big. For those of you reading this that haven't seen her since she was 6 months old, I think you will agree that time passes too quickly. She amazes me everyday and I am blessed to have her in my life and still in awe that she is my daughter!
















This is Miniman! And yes, that is the sweater I knitted him. I had him put it on one morning and he didn't want to take it off the rest of the day. I knew when I met his Daddy that my life would be changed. When Miniman entered the picture m heart was once again stolen away by striking blue eyes and a captivating smile. I am blessed to be his mom!

Here she is. Bubbles. We have decided that she is our last.

At least we think she is. Everyday she brightens our lives with her smiles coos and laughter. She reminds me to stop and pay attention because childhood is over in the blink of an eye. What will the future hold for my sweet baby girl , only God knows and I put my trust in him.

This is Hubby. He doesn't smile much, but he is all mine. Hubby doesn't complete me, he compliments me and I him. I truly believe God brought us together. Yes, he is in the ARMY, he wears his uniform with pride. He is the most stoic, determined, thoughtful and caring person I know. I know that I am blessed to have him as my husband.

Here he is at

school with Goosie. He was able to go to school for her first three

days. He is a wonderful Father, I couldn't ask for better for our children!

My Only Prayer

I wrote this 11 years ago when I was 17.

Dear Heavenly Father,
Help me walk this road today. I know sometimes I will stumble and I will stray. Help me be the kind of person you want to use in every way. Help me show the strangers on the street and everyone I meet the love I found in you. And as I walk I pray that I will grow closer to you in every way. Help me be strong when I feel weak. Set me in the right direction though there are many I may seek. Everyday that I live in you, let others see your love, and let me be as a shadow. Help me know that everything will be okay as you work in me everyday. I pray that I will be an instrument for you to use and that one day I will walk with you on the streets of gold beside the crystal sea. Lord I know you will always be with me. This is my only prayer.
Amen.

The Stress

How do you get a four year old to listen? Pay attention to what they are doing and not antagonize their younger siblings? I am all out of ideas. I can send her to time out, take away toys and even ( on the rare occasion) spank her (not hard). It is still the darnedest thing. I can't get her to listen. She will break a toy playing with it the wrong way and I want to take all the toys away.
I think I am going to when we get to the new house. Only let them have so many toys out and put the rest on rotation. I did a massive toy clean out a few months ago, I guess I didn't clean out enough. So when we get to the new house I will just keep out the toys they play with the most, the rest can go into storage.
The other thing I am having problems with is my son. He has so much energy and will do just about anything for attention. I feel like I am not giving him enough. I know that when we move to the new house we will have a fenced in yard and he can go run and play his little heart out. I just can't wait to move.
We will have more space, an actual yard for the kids to play in and more privacy. I wont have to worry about neighborhood kids riding their bikes around the cars and finding new scratches and dents every time I look. Sure the rent is higher, but the schools are nicer and the room, have I mentioned how much room we will have? I am excited. I want to move in now! We will be in two weeks. It seems so close yet o far away. I hope we will have some help from some guys from Hubby's office.
I am ready to leave. I just want to get through it, so I don't have to deal with the stress of it all.

Venting

There are days when I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. Today I had an epiphany. It does. At least the little world that resides in my house. Hubby and my kids all look to me to run this little world. I take care of almost everything in it.

It is up to me to clean the dishes, do the laundry, sew anything that needs mending. I read the stories, dole out vitamins, and tuck our little ones into bed at night. I take care of the shopping, the bills and any guests that may grace us with their presence. I am the disciplinarian and master of awards. I make up games, cook and bake what I can from scratch and at times discover new recipes when the pantry is bare.
Throughout the day there are many masks, and job titles I mix and match depending on the circumstance. I toll away hours looking into schools and other programs that will hopefully enrich my families lives. When I see that it is between me or the kids, they always win out. This is most apparent in the relationship with Goosie and Hubby. At times when he lies awake at night, it is she he plucks from bed so he will have a snuggle partner on the couch. My heat aches at the thought an realization of this, but then I know that this is also about all the time they get with each other as he works so much.

I know that there are many things I put on my own plate. I also know that I get highly irritated when I feel someone takes advantage of me. Yes, I like to do what I can when I can to help others. But when someone calls me late at night and asks for ride somewhere in the morning. Then in the morning after I get myself and three kids ready and we are more then 1/2 way to their house to pick them up only to get a text that I am no longer needed. After all the effort and work I have done to help someone and then 2 times in a row after I do everything I can to get there on time and then told to forget it. I get irritated.
Can common sense please be common, oh wait, I guess my brand of common sense isn't that common. I just want to start the day over again. I try so hard to be what those around me need. I try to help others when they ask for it. But I keep feeling like I am not getting anything in return. What happened to the boy who cried wolf? Did anyone but me learn from that? If you need help ask for it, but if you are just going to ask for it when you don't need it, stop wasting my time and don't ask for it!

Thanks for reading my vent, sometimes it just all builds up and I need a release.

Autumn Notes

It is starting. I had to go to the store this morning for a few things before breakfast. I thought I dressed the kids warmly enough. However there was a slight chill in the air as we walked towards the van. I heard Goosie tell me that she was cold. Miniman however was nonobjective to the weather and was just just happy we were going some where.
As I pulled out of the complex, I looked around and noticed that some of the trees were impatient to shed their green finery. A few somber trees have already started to change into richer more diabolical hues. Days seem to reach their peaks sooner only to die in the resplendent beauty of a near fall sunset.
I am looking forward to the fall. When the leaves are begging someone to rake them off of the slowly cooling ground. The grass takes on the hue of bark, and the trees make themselves sleepy in preparation of the coming winter. Coats and hats get thicker, scarves;gloves and other warm keepers are brought out of their hiding places to be used yet again for another season. Snow boots are stacked by the back door awaiting in anticipation the season after. When the snow will fall and Santa will make his way around the world giving gifts to good little boys and girls. Then the coming new year and all the wonderment it will bring.
That can all wait. For now I will concentrate on the coming school year.

School has started again. Noted by the onslaught of mobile office supplies, miniature backpacks, and for some expressionless uniforms. Teachers have returned to school weeks before the students. Summer is always short for the selfless who have decided their life's work is investing in others, few of whom are grateful for all their teachers do.
Goosie starts each day with the question of " do I start school today?". She is such a bright little thinker. I hope that she will enjoy school the way I did. I remember trying on everything in my closet for the first day of school. Then when I found just the right outfit, I would put it on, shortly there after I would fall asleep. On the days I had to miss school, I hated it. Looking back now, I know the one thing I would change. I would study more.
I know that I like many others saw school as a chance to interact with people I would usually not be able to. I want that for my kids. The interaction with others, but I also want them to study and get good grades. I think that is something all parents want for their kids.
I wonder which one of my little ones will inherit wordsmithing. It is a wonderful thing when you find you have the ability to express solely what others try so hard to even comprehend. It is magical and empowering. Maybe one day I will teach others to do what I do. Or I will simply spin a tale and hope for the world to find some use in the marring of the white pages by the print. For now I will blog and think of all the things there are to think. I will marinate on each thought and relish the simple beauty that is individual thinking.

Randomness (8/4/08)

There are days I feel that there is nothing I can do to make my children happy. I know that I am their mom and that should be enough. But at times at the end of the day when I have exhausted all the things my mind will spit out, I feel that I am left wanting. I am not good enough because I am not Daddy. Time with Daddy is little and precious. So the default is that Daddy is the grand prize and Mommy is the constellation prize. Today was one of those days. I took the kids to the park and they played on the playground and then in the wading pool. It turned out to be a late morning. The kids went down for a late nap, then it was business as usual. Getting the house cleaned up and making dinner.
Hubby was home late so it was taking care of things on my own. There are many things I do with out any help. With M here I had a little extra help.I have added a few more titles to my slowly growing list. I am now the FRG leader for the company. I also am an assistant teacher for my son's Sunday school class for the rest of this month. The woman's ministry has asked me to host coffee time, basically a coffee social for stay at home mom's. It should be interesting.

Goosie will start preschool next month and Miniman is potty training. Flutterbye is cooing and rolling over. She is growing so much and at times it is hard to believe that I wont have anymore babies. Flutterby is our last. I am cherishing every moment with her. She is such a joy. Miniman loves trains and putting things together. He really enjoys puzzles. Goosie is so excited about school I think it will break her heart when she realizes that she won't be riding the bus to school.

I am starting to wonder if becoming a stay at home mom makes you less smart. I actually feel like some days my brain is slipping away. It wouldn't surprise me if that statement were true.
I have come to realize that I am not much of a poet, I am a writer yes, I can write poetry and it is good. Something my mom told me years ago is that I have a way with words. Maybe I do. Someday I may find a use for it. But for now it hibernates. I am loosing weight. The jeans and things I bought only two weeks ago now no longer fit. I feel good about that. I just wish that my top half would fallow suit. We will see, only time will tell. I love my life, my big little family. My little family is big because many people will not have more then one or two children. It is little because I grew up in a family much bigger. Well enough for tonight. I need to get some sleep. Thanks for reading this far.

So I was Thinking (8/6/08)

My two girls are already enamored with each other.There is nothing that will bring a smile to Flutterby's face quicker then one of Goosie's silly faces! Goosie will get on the floor and lie down with Flutterby, and as much as I tell her not to,she will put baby sisters fingers in her mouth. Then there is the competitive relationship that Goosie and Miniman have. When it is just me alone with the kids, it almost seems they have to one up each other. Like at nap time, Goosie was wiggling her feet around and not to be outdone, Miniman starts putting both legs up in the air and letting them crash to the couch. Not to be outdone, Goosie then lifts up her entire lower half and lets it flop down. It just escalated from there. I ended up having to sit in between them just to keep them from all out jumping on the couch.

Yesterday Goosie and Flutterby had their well child checkups. Both received shots. Goosie first and then Flutterby. Dr says they are doing great and with the exception of getting Goosies eyes checked both girls are thriving. As a person who has not spent Christmas in the same place since getting married. I don't need to convey to you how good this made me feel. As I am writing Goosie is coloring with her markers, Miniman is making a motorcycle with one of his age appropriate toys and Flutterby is laying on the floor doing her kicking exercises. I thought that Miniman went with the flow a lot when he was born, but that is nothing compared to Flutterby. She is just okay with everything so long as she can see what is going on.

I have been thinking about a lot of things lately. There are many examples out there of relationships that have worked and ones that haven't. There are those families which it seems take every ounce of energy to keep them together. There are others in which the relationships are so close and so loving that it is almost the exception to see or even be a part of it. When it comes to parenting there are many examples too. I would like to think of my self as a pretty easy going parent. Sure I coddle my son a little too much(emotionally), I hang onto my children a little too long, and I am probably a little too lenient (and or) strict at times. I just pray that I am the parent they need me to be and not necessarily the one society tells me I have to be.
I still somewhat struggle with the thought of having a son or two daughters. Each looking up to me to some extent. I know the relationship a daughter can have with her mother. I am just not sure about the one a son can have with his mother. I am smart enough to know that they have totally different dynamics and frankly one scares me a little more then the other. I am somehow afraid to be the woman that my son compares all others too. Not that I think I could be a bad example. More because I want so much better for him. I want him to marry a woman that surpasses me in more ways then one. I am sure that Hubby wants our girls to marry someone who surpasses him in many ways (if he ever allows them to date or get married for that matter). I think though that if we as parents model a good working relationship with each other and allow our children to fall in love with us. Then they will be better for it. When a little girl falls in love with her Daddy and sees him in all his wonderfulness, she is less likely to deviate from the rules he lays out. It is the same for a son (I think).
Overall I keep reminding myself that my kids do want to hear praise from me, and to know that what they are doing makes me happy. Even if that means cleaning up a mess in the kitchen because someone wanted to show a little more Independence, it makes me happy to know they are trying.

written 8/10/08 I am Growing and it Feels Good

I have been helping in Miniman's Sunday school class and will be for the rest of this month. The lead teacher has asked me to be in charge of music. One of the songs for this month is titled

Everyday, it goes like this:
Everyday you are with me God
Everyday you are by my side
Everynight you will be my light Everyday
I don't have to be afraid I don't have to run and hide I am always safe with you
You are king of all my days
You are worthy of my praise
I will always worship you
Everyday
( repeat from the beginning 1x)

I was thinking that this is a really sweet song. I am glad that both my older children are learning it and I look forward to teaching it to Flutterby. It has also helped me. Since I have been helping in the class I have been looking at my walk closer. The songs words are simple and true. I have realized that I don't always turn to my heavenly Father in all the things I should. Realization is the beginning of a solution. I have decided to dedicate myself more and have found that helping in my son's class is a welcome challenge for me. I am hoping to volunteer in my church more. I am growing, and it feels good!

My Miniman written 8/14/08

I have been getting Miniman to sleep lately. Who am I kidding I am the only one he will let get him to sleep! But lately he has been sleeping in his big boy bed! All night!
I was looking at him while he was sleeping, his plug half hanging out of his mouth, Elliot Sadlers car held tightly in his little hand, while his other just wouldn't let my fingers go. Oh can he never grow out of this stage. When he wants his Mommy all the time. There are times when it seems that it is me and only me that he wants anything to do with. Hubby will even tell me that Miniman is my son and not his.
Ha Ha! I know how much my two men adore each other. I also know that one likes to push the others buttons. But that is what a son is supposed to do right?I love my Miniman so very much. I coddle him emotionally and at times I wonder if it is a bad thing. He is so precious to me. Not that my girls aren't, it's just that he is my little boy and it is different.
I used to be able to get Goosie to sleep in her big girl bed, but then when I took the job at Arby's. The whole night time routine got messed up. It was easier for Hubby to get the kids to sleep in our bed, and there went the whole thing. But that is how things work sometimes. Now we are slowly transitioning them into their big kid beds and it seems that Miniman is the only one willingly going. Goosie even wakes up when we try to move her to her own bed.
My big little family is growing and changing. I want to freeze them in moments in my minds eye and hold onto their sweet innocence as long as possible! I think I am going to get a picture of Miniman sleeping and then call it a night myself.

Of Stickers, Playdough, and Paper Chains

Hubby and I started a new thing with the kids. We now have a sticker chart. Every time the kids do something on the list, or are on their best behavior when we go out, they get a sticker. My sister S sent a whole bunch of stickers for the kids and so far the kids really enjoy earning their stickers. Miniman and Goosie were helping me put the dishes away so I could reload the dishwasher. Miniman in all his exuberance started bringing me clean dishes to put in the dishwasher. He just wanted another sticker!
Hubby picked up some play dough at the dollar store. Now we have special play dough time everyday. Goosie enjoys making burgers, fries and all sorts of mini food. I will post a picture or two later! It really is a lot of fun!
Now the paper chain. Goosie starts preschool next month and excitedly asks everyday if she can go to school. I had grown tired of her asking so we made a paper chain. Now everyday she gets to remove one link from the chain. I think she is realizing that she is getting closer to starting school.
I admit at first I didn't think my kids would go for the whole sticker chart thing. But they really enjoy it. I have even noticed Goosie doing extra little things to earn her stickers. I am not sure what we are going to do when we have a chart full of stickers. I think Hubby and I still need to discuss that!
About Hubby, I think things are getting better at work. When he comes home he doesn't seem as stressed as he used to be. I still have a good bit on m plate, but now with the help of the sticker chart things around the house are getting a little easier. Enough for now. I have to go take care of Goosie. I just thought it would be a good reminder to never underestimate the power of the little things.

Learning Habbits

Today has been a good day. I was able to clean the house and get most of the things straightened up that I wanted to.
Lately I have been trying to look at my children differently. Think about it, in the first year a child learns the following: how to eat, crawl, hold their head up, say a few words, self soothe, feed themselves and much much more. In the second year of life a child will generally learn even more. All paving the way to their own Independence.
In the past I looked at these accomplishments as my children slowly reaching a point when I am no longer needed, except in the emotional sense. Now I am choosing a different view point. Think about it. All of these major life skills are learned in the first 2 to 3 years of life. After all the skills are learned as parents we pay to send our children to a preschool of sorts. Until they start school children usually learn at their own pace and generally surpass some quotas.

Why aren't schools like this? Oh wait some are, it just costs an arm and a leg (plus some other body parts) to send your child to said school. Why is it like that?
We as a society still favor the rich. The poor and sometimes middle class are then forced to depend on a school system that over all is over-extended and under-funded. When I was in school (1o years ago), I saw a trend of parents no longer being parents. Instead they pushed the responsibility of their children off on an over burdened and under paid (not to mention unappreciated) teacher. I don't think in the past few years things have gotten better.
Sure in some school systems things are getting better. But why in one state is a curriculum better at one school then another. Shouldn't it be equal across the board, especially in public schools?
Okay now that I have that off my chest.

I have started to look at my childeren's potential. I try very hard to give them positive affirmation when they try something new or accomplish something all by themselves.
For example:
The other day MiniMan wanted some Cheerios. I took said cereal out of the pantry and set it on the counter. I walked away because Flutterby was crying and I wanted to make sure she was okay. When I returned to the kitchen I saw my son. He was standing perfectly still over an overflowing bowl of cereal. My son in his need, stepped in and tried something all by himself. Never mind the box alone is 3/4 of his height and was 1/2 full. He still tried. And in his effort he not only poured the cereal into the awaiting bowl (and the area around it), he accomplished something much bigger. He at 2 realized his own need, was able to see the solution, work out a plan and execute it. Was I upset, sure we lost a 1/2 box of cereal, but I was also proud of my son's accomplishment! I let him have his self poured bowl of cereal ( I added the milk), praised him for doing a good job and then cleaned up the mess. All I can think about that situation is that I have a bright little boy. I should add that 1/2 way through cleaning up, Miniman stopped eating and preceded to help me by holding the dust pan. He then went back and finished his cereal.

I am in no way trying to imply that I should get the mother of the year award. But I do think that as a society we should change the way we look at our children. We expect so much of them when it comes to test scores, more and more I hear about legislation that if passed will test our children at younger and younger ages. What will become of our country, will it become like (for lack of a better example) China?
Well, enough from this peanut gallery. I will write again some other time. For now I hope I have given you some food for thought...

Migraine Headaches, at least the kind I get

I have a history of really bad headaches. The ones I get are not your run of the mill migraine either. I have a special type and it is not fun! The type of Migraine is called: Classical Familial Hemiplegic migraine. I am not the only one in my family to have it (hence the name familial).
Just about all of my sisters have some form of migraine headache, and none of them are fun.

The first one I remember having, was in 1993. I had woken up and gone to school and it was a normal day up until my math test. All I can remember is raising my hand and telling the teacher that I needed to call home. She of course let me go to the office. But I don't remember getting there. The next thing I do remember is waking up in the hospital about 3 weeks later. My mom kept a journal and this is basically what happened.
She picked me up from school and took me home. I was placed in a dark room with no sound or light (as these make the migraine worse). Everyone thought it would pass by the next day. Three day's later however I was not any better. Mom took me to the Dr numerous times, but to no avail. Finally after getting no where with the Dr's, Mom took me to the ER. I was immediately admitted, and was placed in the NICU unit. There I was put on about 6 or 7 different monitors. I had MRI's and CT scans done, there were 6 IV's on each side of my body. To top it off I was given a less then 10% chance of living through the first night. There was swelling on my brain (it went up to 1/2 it's normal size) and my left lung collapsed. The Dr's decided to put me in a chemical coma, for damage control. When I was finally brought out of the coma, I was not expected to live a normal life. To this day Dr's still don't know why I am able to do all the things I do.

Since then the migraines I have had are few and far between. I remember having one in High School, again about 3 years later. And then no more until I was pregnant with my first. I was 8 months pregnant and over heated. Baby was fine and after a few hours so was I. the next one I experienced was after the birth of my son. It was a debilitating one just like the ones in the past. And the last migraine I had of note was when I was about 2 weeks away from my due date with my latest baby. That one was not debilitating so much as weird. I don't remember anything from the day it happened except that I was making a roast and Hubby was home. My parents were coming in town and I was trying to prepare for their arrival. My hubby told me what happened from there.
I was not feeling well and decided to take a nap with my son. After waking up, I was not in very good shape. I was like Drew Barrymore's character in 50 first dates. My brain was resetting it's self every 3 to 5 minutes. He of course took me to the hospital, MRI's and CT scans, IV's and monitors (especially for baby). And in the end all that was lost was a day or two from my memory. Baby suffered nothing and I thankfully am fine.

I have had two migraines since the birth of Flutterbye. They have been what I now call walking migraines. This is what I am feeling when I have one. It all starts with a headache that just wont go away. Then there comes a spacey feeling. I can see my body, but it doesn't look like it belongs to me (think out of body experience). My limbs get cold from the inside as if there is ice water running through my veins. Next comes the heavy listless feeling in my limbs (this used to be the time when it felt like they were falling asleep, you know that numb tingling feeling when the circulation is cut off). It is no longer difficult to move my limbs as I have mobility, but they are heavy and clumsy ( like when the circulation returns to your limb that fell asleep). This usually lasts one to three day's. I am still able to function, just not at 100%. It is a very weird feeling.

What scares me the most is the research I have done on my own. The type of migraine I get is 85% more likely to occur in females then males. It is in my blood so my daughters are likely to get this type of migraine too. There is not much known about this specific type and research is slow as only 10 families in the US are known to have this type. Getting the members of those families to the right Dr's is not always easy. So many of the people who suffer from these migraines are given medication that is more likely to cause permanent damage then help. It is very discomforting to realize that just by having daughters, I have opened up the likely hood of them being in the type of pain I experience. Luckily there are triggers and they can be prevented if you pay attention to the signs. My trigger is stress. Wow with three kids go figure, stress! I try very hard to control my stress levels, but alas I am only human and it does get the better of me. Then I am laid up in bed (if Hubby is home) and am able to rest. Man I really don't like it when it gets that way, but there is only so much I can do about it.

Flutterbye... The last

Four Months ago I gave birth for the third and final time. My heart I think will always ache for more children, but my common sense tells me that it is time to stop. If you read my blog about home birthing you already have read her birth story. So here in this entry I will tell you about my youngest...

She has the brightest smile I think I have ever seen. As much as Goosie is a Daddies girl, she is a Mommies girl. At times I am sure it is frustrating to Hubby when it seems she wants nothing at all to do with him. But then I am breastfeeding, and that more then likely has a lot to do with it! I am sure when she gets even just a little older she will realize what a playmate she has in her Daddy.
When I look at my little Flutterbye she is usually covered in spit bubbles. She really likes blowing them. She also recently found her tongue and in all hilarity is trying to figure out what to do with it. Flutterbye and Goosie are very enamored with each other. It takes nothing more then for Goosie to make silly faces at Flutterbye, for Flutterbye to reward her with a toothless grin!

There are other times when I look at my little girl and see how much she has already grown and I am sad. Sad that she will be the last baby of mine I hold. The last one that was grown and nurtured in my body and is now out in this crazy world where I can only protect her for so long.
I have already been praying for her, just as I have prayed for my other two. My sweet babies, will you ever truly understand my love for you?

Oh the brightness of her small smile greets me like the morning sun.
When she curls up on me I am warmed, as if from a crackling fire.
In all my life I never dreamed I could love, as much as I do now.
I am overwhelmed and satiated with my childerens love for me.
I am a Mom and that is a title I now carry through eternity.

Things I have written...

I was thinking today about the volumes of things I have written in the past. There is so very much. I have been working on a novel since high school that not many people know about. I have also written some short stories that no one will probably read. I need to work on character development and keep a dream journal. I have very vivid dreams. I can even read print, see faces clearly and even experience heightened emotion and senses while asleep. I don't know if this is normal or not. And to tell the truth. It doesn't really matter. They are my dreams. I haven't had any of them interpreted before, but it would be interesting if any of them ever were.
I think I am going to put a few of them my blog, hey they need to get out of my head anyway right? I will do my first entry tonight after the kids go to bed. To all my readers, look for it later!

Home Birth....is it the "in" thing to do?

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1830388,00.html



As I reached in my mailbox this afternoon I was happy to receive Time Magazine. I skimmed through the pages ( I like to read what interests me first and then the rest. I can across the article above. I cannot say that I agree or disagree with the article as it was neutral (as all good articles should be). It was informative enough for you to ask more questions, but not so informative that you would make a decision based solely on the article.
I have given birth to three children all in a hospital and while I would change a few things about the experiences I wouldn't change the out come. A healthy mom and baby to me is what counts the most. Ask any good medical practitioner and they will tell you the same when it comes to pregnancy.
I am prompted to write out my birth stories to any of you who are interested.



My first birth experience went something like this:

7am ~my water broke, I call my mom and she says I have time to shower, but rush to the hospital anyway.

8am ~OB nurse confirms my water is indeed broken ( this only happens in 5% of pregnancies). I am fully checked in to the hospital
8:30-9:00am ~ Nurse comes into to check me and the array of monitors I am strapped to and tells me that I am not contracting on my own. She walks out calls the Dr who comes to the hospital to administer pitocin.

10am~ Pitocin is administered and I am restricted to bed until further notice.

From this time until about 3pm I am restrained to the bed. I can get up to use the bathroom but that is it. The Dr wants me monitor closely as he believes I will need a c-section in order to give birth.
3pm~ Full and active labor starts. I freak out b/c I can hear another patient screaming and ask for the epidural. The epidural is administered and I relax a little.
4pm~ I feel the need to start pushing, the Dr is called and quickly comes. My daughter is born 15 minutes later. I needed an episeotomy and a vacuum assist as her heart rate would dip with each contraction. I am still thankful that I did not get a c-section. Baby was born completely healthy, no problems at all.

Hospital staff took over from there and I was unable to see or hold my daughter for a full half hour.

4:45pm Finally able to hold my little girl. My daughter was born in Washington state.



Second birth story:



I scheduled with my OB an induction 2 weeks early she was also concerned that I would be unable to give birth with out needing a c-section.
6am~ Woke up and showered to go to the hospital.
7am~ Checking into the hospital. J is staying home from work to take care of F while I am in waiting.
9am~ Pitocin administered to get things started.

I sat alone in the hospital until my water was broken by the Dr. . Things picked up then. J dropped off F at the neighbors and came to stay with me at the hospital until the birth.

10pm~ I felt the need to push. I had been given an epidural a few hours before but had been allowed to move around so much in my room that, the epidural was no longer in place. I was asked to not push until the Dr got there. I was able to wait.
10:15pm~ I gave birth to my son. No assistance needed, and he was 2 lbs bigger then my first. The cord was wrapped around his neck, he was a blue baby but as soon as he was breathing he was in my arms until I felt like letting him go.
My son was born in Idaho.

3rd birth story:

I had an unusual migraine headache two days before a scheduled induction. This time it wasn't for the babies size or the Dr's thought that I wouldn't be able to deliver vaginally. I chose to be induced because I wanted my mom there to act as a Dula for J and I. Two days before Mom's arrival, I had the unusual migraine. J freaked (and rightly so), I was loosing my short term memory (think Drew Barrymore in 50 first dates). My brain was resetting itself every 3 minutes. So after a few brain scans , and the eventual return of my memory (except 1 day). I was induced a day early. I think the Dr was afraid for the baby.
10pm~pitocin administered
12am ~epidural administered
6am~ began pushing after the Dr arrived. Baby healthy and strong. I was able to reach down and deliver her myself after the Dr made sure her head and shoulders were out.
My daughter was born in Ohio.

So there they are my birth stories. Sure none of them followed the birth plan I typed up. But the outcome was a good one. Healthy Mom and healthy Baby, in the end that's all that matters. Just remember even the best laid plans go a drift.

Today's entry

Today has been half decent. I had a luncheon to go to and was able to take just one of the kids. That left Hubby and M with the other two. From what I understand things went well. The kids were able to drive both of them crazy. But that is normal right?
Things are a little different with a teenager in the house. Not that Hubby and aren't careful about our intimate stuff, but it is almost like teenagers have super sonic hearing or a sixth sense about this stuff, Then I think all kids have it. Who knows.
Things have been going well. I think that my Mom and M were just getting in each others way because they both wanted to help and Mom would get to it first. This can be frustrating for all parties involved. But I think it is all worked out now.
Tomorrow we have an appointment in the afternoon for a modeling agency. It is good to know Hubby and I have good genes. I guess we will just see what happens.
Hubby and I did talk this morning about the stuff that happened yesterday. Well, I say it was this morning. But it was really last night. It is so good to know that we can talk to each other and work things out. I am truly blessed to be married to such a wonderful man among men. Where would I be without him in my life?I don't even want to think about it. I just want things to get better. Well, enough for today. I will write again some other time!

Today was a crap shooter

Today was a bad day all together. I got caught up in hanging out with my niece that I wasn't the wife or mother that I needed to be. I wont let it happen again. I love my little family so much, but if having someone here is at the cost of them, I don't want anyone here. But that can't happen so I will have to figure out how to fit this all in. I know that I can get my house clean and my kids taken care of all alone, but then when someone is here I get distracted. Then the whole day ends up being a bad one.
Hubby got upset with me and rightly so. I was irresponsible and a bad steward of all the wonderful things he has provided our little family. I still believe that I don't deserve him. I love him so much and to see the disappointment in his eyes and feel it seeping from him. I hung my head in shame. I wont let this happen again. I will be better.
I know that Hubby is an outward person. When he feels something intense he projects it. I am the opposite. I am an invert and at times when he is projecting negativity, I internalize it and the day goes even more into the crap shoot.
My niece M is staying with us until August and I am now responsible for a teenager. It isn't something I don't think I can handle. I look forward to all the things I can teach her and that she can remind me of.
Well, it is late and everyone else is asleep. I have a trip to a volunteer appreciation banquet in the morning, it isn't a short drive so I need to get some sleep. I will be taking Flutterbye with me. I love that sweet baby so very much. I look at my children everyday and am reminded how wonderful they are and how much I don't deserve them. I just want to be what they need me to be and today, I wasn't. But tomorrow I will be and all the days fallowing I will try my darnedest to.

This Summer

I have been off line and out of touch for almost a month. I havn't written, but I have had many thoughts. My children have gotten a little older and I hope I have gotten a little wiser. We will have to see about that last one.
My parents were here visiting and as always when they leave I am challenged in
my standards. My parents hold themselves to a high standard that few feel the pull to hold themselves to. There is nothing wrong with the way I and my little big family live, but it is not up to the standard that my parents do. I was held to these standards when I was young and have since found my own set to live by. I wont explain them here. That would be for another time all together.
It was a good time, and I once again was able to see a side of my parents I rarely glimpsed growing up. I hope that it is not the same case with my children. I want them to know me and all the sides of me without having to learn about them much later in life.
My niece M is staying with us for the summer, we will be taking her home in August. I am excited to have her here and can't wait to really enjoy her company. But enough for now. I have a baby to tend to.